Have been stupid, cant talk to anyone else...

[paitientpartner]

Name-changer. Please dont out me if you recognise.

Been with dh 5 years, dd 3. Only been married a year. He is considerably older than me.

Sex has never been great, he isnt particulary well indowed, and over the past couple of years has struggled to maintain an errection. We get by, we do other stuff. He isnt bothered about sex though, partly due to his problems, partly I guess due to him having a very low sex drive. He once saif to me that "he has been there done that and wouldnt really be that bothered if he never had sex again", although this was in the middle of a row, and he now maintains its not true. We have discussed him seeing the doctor/reducing stress, trying to sort things out but it never really happens. A few weeks of him making an effort (which doesnt really do it for me as I always think in the back of my mind he's only doing it to keep me happy)

My sex drive on the other hand is sky high, and getting more so due to being surpressed. I have read so many threads on here about people having affairs and fb's due to lack of sex, always sympathized, wondered if one day I would end up in a similar situation, as cannot imagine no sex for the next 30 odd years.

So the inevitable has happened. I have met someone through work. He is gorgeous funny and flirty. Only chatted a couple of times for a few minutes, but the stupid stupid man seeked me out on facebook, we started talking last night, things got quite... not steamy but there were lots of inuendos, flirting etc.

Now he's on my mind. Too much. I shouldnt be even thinking about it but in my head I'm thinking of him as a fuck-buddy (hate the phrase sorry). I love dh, we havent been long married, we have a lovely life, a wonderful daughter, but he isnt satisfying me, cant/wont. I am 30 an cannot contemplate a sexless life, but am so utterly ashamed that such a short time after taking my marriage vows I am thinking like this.

Please slap some sense into me.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you have to talk to your H again and tell him how you are feeling: that you cannot contemplate never having sex again and want to address this. Ask him how he would feel if you did have a no-strings sex-only affair. (OK don't tell him that you have a candidate in mind, that's a bit too much at first).
Because no one has the right to enforce celibacy on a partner against that partner's wishes. He's got to either make an effort, accept that you will have sex with other people, or agree to let you go.

[VinegarTits]

if sex has never been great then what made you enter into a marriage with him? did you not foresee that this would become a problem further on down the line?

I do sympathise, 30's is when a woman peeks sexually (as opposed to men who peek in their 20's) so it must be very frustrating, you need to talk to your dh about how you feel, i wouldnt persue anything with the FB guy as it will only end in tears

[paitientpartner]

We had a row about it last week, told him that if he couldnt/wouldnt that I would find someone that would. He chose to ignore me.

He has said that he will try and sort things out, look into medication, vist dr, make more of an effort but he shouldnt have to should he? And he isnt going to contiue making an effort for the next 30 years... until he is nearly 80

Every time we do have sex its always in my mind that he is just doing it to stop me from naggin/getting upset/causing an argument. He never really gropes me/ shows any sexual intereset in me.

btw thanks sgb, was hoping you would see this. we have spoken in the past. x

vinegar because I love him.

[paitientpartner]

I love him, and he is almost perfect in every other way

[mrsruffallo]

I agree that you need to talk to your husband again. It is unfair for him to expect you to live in a sexless marriage.
Try to keep a distance from your work colleague whilst you and DH sort this out

[paitientpartner]

We have spoken about it over and over. He wants to change, or at least he says that he does, but can you really change your sex drive?

The same things get discussed, the same things decided upon, but over a few weeks, sometimes even a few months, things go back to how they were before. Me turning into some sex-obsessed hormone fuelled bitch on heat, and him rejecting advances, making me feel embarrassed and ashamed, and feeling very guilty and embarrassed himself I guess.

Such a mess

[kalo12]

fwiw i would have sex with the fb guy

[paitientpartner]

Thanks

Although on a serious note, he is someone's husband... hopefully not yours eh?

[CrankyTwanky]

If he is married I'd back the chuff off.
It's one thing to wreck your own marriage...

Sympathies though.

[paitientpartner]

You are right Cranky.

All I want is a healthy satisfying sex life.

[SolidGoldBrass]

As with any aspect of a relationship, a lot of people seem to think that if they 'promise' to change then that will shut the other partner up at least for the moment. And despite this idea that all men are rapacious fuckpigs who can't keep their dicks under control, it's actually fairly common for men to be lazy about sex and yet not want to end the relationship because they want their female partners to carry on with the domestic servicing. I think if you have repeatedly been let down by your H on this issue and you have told him that you are going to look elsewhere, then it is up to him to either make the effort or take the consequences.
But if he is prepared to keep on ignoring an issue that is really important to you, how good a partner is he?

[Snooks14]

Patientpartner - my heart goes out to you - I sort of had a similiar situation with my ex - towards the end of our relationship he went totally off sex. I completly understand how it feels to feel as if you are being rejected sexually by someone. It is the most humilating and confidence sapping thing.
When you say sex has never been great do you mean that you have never had that first can't keep your hands off each stuff at the start of the relationship?

[scoutliam]

I think SGB has a very good point there, it sounds like your H is telling you what you want to hear while not actually making the changes needed for your relationship.
If the issue was money or drinking habits you wouldn't put up with being strung along would you?
Sex is just as important and your needs deserve to be met.
He needs to wake up to that.

I really really wouldn't with fb guy though as he's married.

[paitientpartner]

we had a bit of that, but have always had problems re size and erection or lack of. TMI but things like no oral, and it only really working if i go on top and put the effort in.

[Snooks14]

I know this is prob TMI but with my ex there was a terrible lack of oral - I think on one occasion when I asked the favour his reply was "what's in it for me" I still have hang ups about oral because of that comment.
I do think you really love the guy - but can you honestly think sexually things will ever improve.
And I do agree that fb guy is a bad idea but if things go on the same how long before someone else comes along.

[paitientpartner]

I do love him, he is wonderful, caring, fun to be around and a great dad. Despite everything he does turn me on mentally, and I long for steamy sex sessions with my husband.

You are right though, if it doesnt get sorted then if not fb guy then it will someone else, as without sounding big headed I have never really been short of attention, and I seem to be a lot more aware of it just now. Just the smell of a mans' aftershave when I am out sets me off

Perhaps its me... perhaps I want to much. You know when women come on here and say "my husband is constantly goping me, and is up for sex every night" I am so jealous. I would love that. I long to be woken up for a middle of the night session, or be poked in the back first thing on a morning.

[traumaqueen]

Do not, do not, do not have sex with fb guy or anyone else. Don't. Having an affair is a selfish and hurtful thing to do that will break everyone's hearts, and to add insult to injury it will mean you never ever sort out this issue with your dh. You will become the Bad Unfaithful Wife who can't keep her fanjo in her knickers, he will become the betrayed and badly done by spouse.

You need to face up to the issue - either you put up with your lack of sex life, or you get his agreement to get sex elsewhere, or you leave. A quick shag looks like a much easier option but take it from me, you will regret it forever.

[MamaGlee]

agree traumaqueen

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Um, this might not be appropriate but it sounds as if he's doesn't "get off" (sorry) by turning you on/seeing your pleasure. If that's the case then I think you may have to seriously discuss your needs being met elsewhere.

If I'm wrong, then maybe bringing some toys into the love-making might spice things up a bit?

I don't think your desires are unusual or unreasonable. I've quite a high sex drive (well, I used to have before child related tiredness wiped me out) and I've been in relationships where the man witholds sex for some reason or another. It makes you feel worthless and unattractive. My honest (and I'm prepared for a flaming here) opinion is that if you're not getting it at home (and you've done what you can to resolve it) then you have every right to get it elsewhere.

[paitientpartner]

You are right Trauma. Belle We do use toys, he is more than happy for me to use vibrator, and will help, but its not the same is it?

He says that I turn him on, and that he fancies me, I guess he is just one of those guys, of a certain age that doesnt really do emotions IYKWIM? Like I said, he never touches me in a sexual way, never ever tries it on, or actually initiates sex. Shit, thats bad isnt it. Its funny you dont see the bigger picture until you actually write it down.

I do feel worthless and unattractive, to him anyway. I know that I am not, and seeing someone looking at me, flirting or whatever confirms that, and starts to make me think about alternatives.

The bloke at work is gorgeous, funny and intellegent, and knowing that he fancies me has boosted my comfidence no end. You are all right though, he is married, will not go there, nice to feel wanted and attractive though.

[Annieoz]

Please, please, please do not ruin someone elses life as well as your own.

I have every sympathy with you, but having just separated and divorcing my husband because of his affair with a work colleague for 13 months because her sexlife at home was lacking, it has destroyed mine, my daughters and (when he realises it) even my horrible ex's. His mistress ditched him as soon as she found out he had left me for her - suddenly it wasn't the bit of fun and adoration she wanted, it became a little too serious and she wasn't ever going to leave her otherwise fab lifestyle for 20+ years with her partner. My ex was her 5th affair, sad woman.

Can your DH not seek therapy somewhere? There is so much help out there.

Good luck to you x

[paitientpartner]

So sorry you have been through this Annie.

Yes, help would be good, doctors would be a start. 50 year old ex army captain isnt overly keen on discussing feelings at the best if times..

[thumbwitch]

I hope you get some results from teh GP - otherwise you might get some benefit from starting him on a multi-vitamin/mineral supplement. It doesn't always help but if he is low in certain nutrients it can affect sex drive, so it's one more thing to eliminate.

Please don't have the affair - certainly not with married man - Annieoz is a great example of why not to.

Annieoz - so for you.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

pp the problem (I think) with the married chap is that if you did get into something with him (leaving aside the morality and his poor wife) it's highly possible that you will end up very unhappy indeed. If you end up having an affair, I think you sound emotionally quite vulnerable (again, apologies if I've misread that) and you could end up more involved that you think you will. I just think you're opening yourself up for a whole new level of hurt (speaking from experience.

If you're like me, however, it will be very hard to resist the allure of a man who finds you desirable when you're feeling low and a bit empty...

[paitientpartner]

You have hit the nail on the head Belle.

Habve always been the life and soul of the party, very mis-spent youth, lots of attention mostly from older men, enjoyed every second of it.

Now I'm married I feel like I get 0 attention from dh, and its killing me. I want to feel wanted/sexual. I want to have a good bloody shag with someone who I can actually feel inside me (yes it is that bad at times). We have never had sex in any other postition than me on top because it doesnt work FGS, and even then he can loose it, so I have to climb off and finsih myself off. God how embarrassing is this??