Mil nightmare

[fishingboat]

Should We try to get back on good terms with dh s mother or is it to late?
Got married in 2000, 2001 sil started ignoring me for no reasons my Fil told her to leave me alone she flipped at me at her mothers house ( in laws divorced 20+yrs ago) mil very bitter about it anyway she took her daughters side then did not speak to her own son or me for 2yrs not that we didn't try, then in nov 2003 our first child was born dh rang his mother to see if she wanted to see her, she came to our house to visit I felt very uncomfortable nothing was mention about what happened. Anyway that was the first and last time she came to our home she was always invited but made accuses at the last minute for the next 3yrs it was me that took our dd to see her grandma nearly every tuseday I would sit there making polite chit chat knowing full well she didn't like me, a few occasions my sil turnrd up with her son and on entering the house she told her mother he was not playing with my dd but I bit my tongue and said nothing. The final straw came just before our dds 3rd birthday
I pop admittly unexpected to see her with dd she made coffee then started to look at her watch repeatedly she then asked me to leave because my sil and her child was coming she told me you know what she s like!! She couldn't get us out the door quick enough, it was pouring with rain nad my dd was screaming she hadn't finished her milk and biscuit I cried all the way home. When my dh got home I was told what had happened he rang his mother to tell her if that s the way it was going to be she would have to make an effort to come to us to see her grandchild. Anyway next day got a phone call from her she told me I was not welcome in her home anymore but dh and dd could still come round, dh fliped told her she was being unreasonable and if thats the way she wanted she would see none of us and to think about what she wanted, he gave her a couple of days but he still got the same response, again 2 wks later the same response after that phone call My dh was that upset I went to see Mil she wouldn't let me in She was so cold and said I caused trouble, I explained how the whole situation upset me and dd and her reply was dd will have to learn, on that reply I walked away. She then 3wks later sent dd a birthday card with money in it dh was that mad he took it back to her and told her it s not money dd needs it s time spending with her. That was all 3 yrs ago since the we have another dd she s 14mths MIL has made no attempt to see her, just started to get to know BiL little girl she is a yr younger than our 1st dd, mother is not with dad any more so we see her threw mum, but niece sees grandma (MY MIL) often and talks about her when she s at our house, she s been today when mummy picked he up tonight she was going to mil to sleep Recently our dd as been asking question about who s who I try to reasure her she s got grandad (MY FIL) and nana(MY MUM) but she lives 350miles away. Been thinking lately should I send mil some photos of dds to see if it triggers something in her, not for me but for my girls I feel sad that they are missing out on a grandma, any advice please, so sorry this is a long thread!!

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

Paragraphs, please. My head is spinning.

[lal123]

Sorry - I tried I really did try but I couldn't get further than "I felt very uncomfortable" - never mind paragraphs, some full stops or capital letters would help?

[scurryfunge]

Sorry, can you explain in briefer terms what's happening. I got lost I'm afraid.

[Niftyblue]

MIL and SIL are not worth the bother

Its their loss
They sound toxic

[Rosieeo]

Can't see what benefit these people would have to your children's lives. Avoid them like the plague!

[LisaD1]

Life is too short to spend your time and energy encouraging/persuading people to participate in your children's lives. Either someone is interested or they're not and if they're not they're not worth the hassle.

Tbh, even if your MIL/SIL were interested they sound like they are nothing but trouble and not a good influence to have around your children.

Cut your losses and enjoy your DC's.

[sugarfreecoco]

I agree with Lisa, they aren't worth the effort or the stress.

[fishingboat]

OK Brief terms MIL hates me, no contact with me, her son or grandchildren, which is her choice, for nearly 3yrs now, should I make the effort to make contact or leave it be?

[TheProvincialLady]

So glad you summarised! Leave it be. Why would you want to have contact with someone who hates you and is not interested in her own son and grandchildren? It doesn't sound like your children are missing out on a grandma, more gaining from not having an unpleasant person in their lives. You don't have to feel guilty.

[scurryfunge]

If you have made every effort then you have done your best. Your children will be better off without her nastiness.

[RunawayWife]

My advice would be leave well alone, your children will be so much better off without this vile woman and her vile daughter in their lives.

Also as long as you and your DH present a united front so she knows she is not causing problems in your marriage.

[thatsnotmymonkey]

Leave it well alone. Decide what you want to tell your kids and be done with it. She has had every opportunity to make amends and you and your DH sound very reasonable.

She sounds toxic. Imagine the negative influence she would exert on your kids as time passes; you don't need that.

[fishingboat]

RunawayWife I am so proud of the way my DH stood up to them, we did not even discuss her terms, there is no way this will come between us if anything it has mad us stronger, thank you for your advice.

[mrsboogie]

definitely leave it.

[saggyjuju]

same situation as you,and my argument is with my own mum and dad , i honestly used to look for my adoption certificate because that would explain why i was treated so differantly to my siblings,and yes we all look exactly alike ! i went through life just accepting that i was always put on,put down and ridiculed and i chased and craved their approval until 3years ago where i said no more enough is enough,you (my parents) are in the wrong and have to make amends to me,needless to say they couldnt be arsed and for my own childrens sake that is how it will stay,it is sad that they dont give a shit about their grandchildren but i tell you what my children wont reach almost forty like me before realising their own self worth and i guarantee you they will be surrounded by positives,i am very stong and happy and the dark clouds have lifted,move on for all of your health and happiness

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

fishingboat

Can only reiterate what the others have said here; leave them to it. These people had ample opportunity and they blew it. Do not send MIL any photos, she is truly not worth the bother.

You and by turn your children really do not need such toxic people in your lives; they are more than happy too to pass on their crap to the next generation as well.

[Saffysmum]

Great the way your husband has behaved in all this - he hasn't been torn by family ties, which is really good, he's put you and your kids first. So, with a lovely hubby like that - who needs this selfish, horrible woman? No Grandma contact is better than toxic contact - take it from one who knows!