STIs

[catwalker]

I hope people don't think I'm barmy asking this but something on the other infidelity thread made me wonder...

If your dh had had unprotected sex with another woman once (I know it only takes once) 18 months or so ago, would you want him to get himself checked out at a clinic? The ow has been married for about 20 years, though of course I've no idea what she or her husband get up to in their spare time.

Am I being paranoid, OTT or sensible? Neither of us has any symptoms but my imagination is working overtime, and then some.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Yes Catwalker, absolutely.

[catwalker]

Thank you. It just hit me today (a bit slow sometimes)and I got in a terrible state; then persuaded myself I was being irrational; then decided I didn't know. As soon as I mentioned to dh that I thought I would get myself checked out he said he would go and is taking himself off there tomorrow. I was just worried that deep down I was doing it to make him suffer.

[PrettyFeckinVacant]

Yes, he should be tested.

Have you been tested?

I went through the humiliation of sti testing but my h hasn't. That is why I wont let him near me.

[catwalker]

If he gets tested do I still need to? I haven't slept with anyone else for about 18 years.

[Eurostar]

I think I'd go in case it wasn't really just the one woman the once (sorry).

[catwalker]

But if he goes tomorrow and is clear, how could I have anything? If he isn't clear then of course I'd get tested. But I don't see why I would need to go if he is clear?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I worried about the penance thing too, especially as DH was very low risk as had used condoms. However, condoms do not prevent all STIs and so DH willingly got himself checked.

He said it was a really sobering experience and felt horrible, but the clear results also brought peace of mind to both of us. And don't worry Catwalker, it didn't occur to us to do this for some time either. Thinking of you.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

If he is clear then you won't have to be tested. You know your own sexual history after all.

[kittya]

Some sti's show themselves straight away - discharge, burning when peeing etc but others like the wart virus you wouldnt necessarily know. Ive had the treatment for changing cerivical cells (18months after the first time I caught him) and before then my smears where always clear. Although I dont like to think of cervical cancer cells as been an sti, there is a connection to the wart virus so I would most definitely go for a smear and while you are at it ask them to do a chlamydia test. Its simple and quick. Try not to worry too much though. I know you can read these threads and panic!

[AnyFucker]

yes, get him tested

and the humiliation of that wouldn't go amiss either

who cares if it is "penance"

a necessary evil, I would say

[partytime]

Get tested. I did a few weeks ago. I haven't slept with anyone else for 20+ years, nor had my ex (as far as I know) until OW, that began 3 years ago. He left me 6 months ago. She was in a relationship when the affair with my ex started. My ex and OW don't use protection as he had a vasectomy 15 years ago. I had my first 'bad' smear 2 years ago - coincidence, who knows? But I didn't get tested for STI until a few weeks ago, as I hadn't made a connection between STI and possible cervical abnormalities until recently. I still have 6 monthly smears now, and am awaiting my STI results. Fingers crossed all is well but you need to be sure you are OK.

[catwalker]

Many thanks for everyone's replies. HPV hadn't occurred to me - think I must be brain dead at the moment. I don't know if you can test for the presence of the virus can you? Or if you just have to wait and see if any warts appear or any irregular cells in smear tests.

This has set me back a lot. I was having huge difficulties accepting that my dh could be so careless with our relationship and my love. Now I have to accept his carelessness with my health. I think he's just going for tests to humour me and thinks the ow isn't the 'sort' to have anything nasty. I've tried explaining to him how common hpv is and that even 'nice' woman who aren't unfaithful have it. I've also pointed out that the ow may not have been telling the truth (shock, horror that anyone would lie) about not having been unfaithful before. That's before we get into her dh's sexual history .....

[LadyLapsang]

I think you should both be checked, then you will have total peace of mind.

[LindenAvery]

Both should get checked - also need to consider hep B

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

One of the reasons why I insisted on a test was that OW had claimed that this was the first time she had been unfaithful. However, she also claimed that she had been drugged by a colleague earlier that year and sexually assaulted. She forgot she'd mentioned the assailant's name to my H and in a later conversation, spoke of the intense friendship she still had with this man and that he regularly bought her flowers and gifts. This conversation was purely designed to introduce a competitor male, but she lied so much all the time, she had forgotten the earlier assault story.

My H did remember though and expressed astonishment that she was still friends with her assailant, which sent OW into a tailspin that she'd been found out in a lie and she could only say that this man had said sorry and was actually a "really nice bloke"... She also started to back pedal somewhat on the "assault" story. My H wondered whether the sex had actually been consensual.

She also told my H about another earlier sexual experience that year, but this time with a woman.

On the basis that in all likelihood, she had been unfaithful with two other people in the space of 12 months - and her H also had been unfaithful to her earlier - she seemed pretty high risk to us.

However, the point is, people lie all the time about their sexual history - and it's safest to check. Afraid I cannot remember very clearly now, but I think my H did get checked for the HPV virus when he went, but in any case I had a routine smear done and thankfully all was fine.

[kittya]

You can test for the hpv virus but it is expensive and some would say a waste of time. You cant always see the warts and they arent necessarily painfull. A friend of mine had only slept with her husband, she started to get dodgy smears after he was unfaithful. To be honest, its pre cancerous cells which worry me the most and its the first thing I would do. I think simply because anything going on there is hidden. Like I said, the obvious ones would show signs within a couple of weeks. By the way, before we get into it, having hpv doesnt make you dirty, thats what I meant when I said Im reluctant to class it as an STI, but there is a definite connection. And it doesnt make the OW a slut either!!! (and thats not me sticking up for OW) you really wouldnt know and, dont forget you can go for 5 years without having a smear so its not always easy to pinpoint it. Also, dodgy smears can, but not often, be a result of an infection through using tampons or something, which is why they always tell you to repeat in 6 months incase it has gone.

[catwalker]

I had a routine smear test probably about 6 months after dh had sex with the ow. But that would just show that I had no precancerous cells wouldn't it? It wouldn't show if I had acquired hpv?

[kittya]

I would think that 6 months would be too early to show cell changes (but I could be wrong) If you want to pay for the test then you can go private. I would really just advise you to go to family planning for another smear, as you wont be due for one at your gp but, and not everyone know this I dont think, you can have as many smears as you like. Try not to worry though.

[Malificence]

I don't want to alarm people but HPV can be transmitted by contact with a surface or something like a towel/bedding that has been in contact with a person with active genital warts. I know it sounds a bit like the old catching VD from a toilet seat myth but it can happen - if a partner contacts genital warts it doesn't automatically mean they have been unfaithful.
Of course it's only really likely to happen where people are living in close quarters and sharing beds etc.
I know this because of a scare DH had on detatchment many years ago - a bloke had the warts and had been sharing sleeping bags with a group of others , DH included, the virus can survive in a warm damp place very nicely and where better than a sleeping bag in continuous 24 hour use? i.e. one in, one out. A dozen men had to be informed about it and be checked out by the camp doctor.
It still makes me feel ewwww just thinking about it.

[HappyWoman]

Mal - sorry to say it really does not get transmitted in a sleeping bag!
I am medical. To avoid 'blame' on either partner there are a whole host of reasons to give.
The reason a Dr would not catagocially want to say it was from intimate contact is to avoid all sorts of comebacks.

It could be that the mans wife was 'playing away' and gave it to him.

Believe me there is a lot of 'unknown' sexual activity from both men and woman .

[HappyWoman]

Now read all the thread - i did get checked - clear of all stis but had abnormal cells - re-called 6months later and had deveoped CIN - had treatment which was not very pleasant.
As i am medical no bullshit from dr - the only person i could have got it from was h.
Although i may have had it sometime - i pretty much knew it was HPV and so also know ow must have it - i have never bothered to tell her to get herself checked though - how bad does that make me??