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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

im shaking with anger just now and ive thrown dh out

436 replies

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 13:58

he has a long standing problem with gambling and so after many years of putting up with it last year i told him if he goes in there again i will kick him out - the day started fine we all went out to the town to do some shopping and take the kids to the park,we split up to get things done quicker and said i will meet you at the park - he's a no show so we leave the park and the first place i look for him is in the bookies and geuss what the bastard is doing - feeding the fucking fruit machine
i tell him to leave now and he comes out for a minute then goes straight back in and continues to gamble
i go back in after a ten or so mins and gives him back my wedding ring and told him he will be locked out when he gets home
ive just put his bag out of the door
dont really know why im posting this other than to vent - feel so let down

OP posts:

Report

Jojay · 10/04/2010 14:01

Gawd, what a nightmare.

For what's it's worth I think you did the right thing. Well done for being strong and wishing you all the strength you'll need over the next few days and weeks

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 14:06

im scared to death to be honest but ive put up with this shit for 13 years and i know i have to draw the line somewhere to get him to realise he has a problem
all i can think about is our money washing away down a fruit machine

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Mouseface · 10/04/2010 14:08

No advice really. Well done for being strong enough to take action. DH clealry has an addiction.

I'm sorry to say that if he didn't come running after you, he's putting gambling before you and his children.

He needs help.

skidoodly · 10/04/2010 14:11

He needs help, but you can't give it to him.

Well done

Meglet · 10/04/2010 14:11

. Sorry you've had a crap time from your DH.

I also think you've done the right thing. the gambling must not be your problem anymore.

He can get help if he wants it.

GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 14:12

I'm so sorry gambling really does destroy lives. FIL has had a problem for many years and went to very low depths. Without attending GA he would still be gambling for sure.

Your DH needs to know he has crossed the line. I wish you courage and strength over the next few weeks.

mixedraceparents · 10/04/2010 14:13

Well done and don't weaken! He needs to get help you cannot do it for him and until he does get help then he can stay out!

If I were you I would distance yourself from his debts as fast as possible either take legal advice or get a diy divorce kit.

DramaInPyjamas · 10/04/2010 14:14

Has he had help with the gambling? Does he admit he has a problem?

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 14:22

he has never had any help - he doesnt think he is addicted as he can go a good 3- 4 months without going in one - to my knowledge ,we have huge debt because of this and im fo fed up with it - im feeling so upset,for the kids really ,why didnt he come after me ??

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cakenomore · 10/04/2010 14:27

my exP was a gambler, it was horrible every now and then all the money would be gone. just wanted to say to you how nice it is being in control of my finances now, not having the headache and uncertainty. Good luck, stay strong, you are quite right not to accept this kind of behaviour. Time and time again i let him get away with it because he said he would get help, which he meant with all his heart but never did - dont believe it till you see it.

thumbwitch · 10/04/2010 14:29

well done candyfluff - that must have taken a hell of a lot for you to do.

The man must realise that you are serious and that there is no hope of you taking him back unless he goes to GA and gets help for his problem.

Sometimes a wake up call is the trigger needed - and sometimes it still isn't enough.

He probably didn't come after you because he probably doesn't really believe you and therefore doesn't want the earbashing - I hope that when he gets home and sees that you were absolutely serious, he gets the message that something has to change.

Stay strong - when do you expect him back?

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 14:35

i have no idea when he is gonnna come back but this place is like fort knocks he cant get in at all ,the bag is on the door step- my heart is going mad ,i need to calm down

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thumbwitch · 10/04/2010 14:36

is there anyone you can ring to come and be with you? He's not likely to kick off, is he?

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 14:43

erm not sure who to call - ive fallen out with my mum recently and im sure they are all sick of the same old drama - lost count of how many times he has done the same.

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GladioliBuckets · 10/04/2010 14:48

Well done. Now, practical stuff - is he likely to go off on a binge right now? Do you need to secure some bank accounts? If you don't have online banking I would phone up and move some money around just in case it vanishes over the weekend. (or are you already in charge of it all anyway?)

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 14:54

we have separate bank accounts his wages goes in his bank and my ebay money goes into mine - i have no way of stopping him if he is on a binge right now,what can i do -?

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skidoodly · 10/04/2010 14:55

Gladi is right. you need to secure your money.

theonlywayisout · 10/04/2010 15:11

He didn't come after you because his addiction comes first, my ex used to drink and gamble, though it was the drinking that was the real problem, leading to the debt leading to him gambling in order to try to recoup money gone on drinking binges and so on. He described it to me as "knowing what will happen but the wanting to drink is so strong that I convince myself I will be able to sort it all out later". Your dh "needs" to keep gambling and he thinks he will "sort it all out later" with you.

You say you are in debt due to his gambling, if it is affecting your lives to this extent, as my ex's drinking was then you MUST throw him out and force him to face up to his problems. My ex spent and lost tens of thousands of pounds due to his addictions, financially I will probably never recover and will always struggle. You have to stop it NOW.

My ex's addictions have ruined at least five people's lives, his mother who tried so hard to help him financially and is now bankrupt, me and our dc who have nothing like the life we should have because of him. And of course his own.

maduggar · 10/04/2010 15:13

My ex-H was a gambler. I know how horribel it is . In teh end I couldnt handle it anymore, and I left with my young DDs (dd2 was only a newborn baby).

I remember the helpless feeling, when he was out with his bankcard (and tehrefore out entire income), knowing he was probably gambling it and there was nothing I could do . I have no practical advice, I just wanted to share my sympathy & understanding.

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 15:17

i dont know if i can be strong enough to see it through

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maduggar · 10/04/2010 15:19

Just remembered, once I dragged my 1 year old DD down to teh amusement arcade (his addiction was fruit amchines too) and begged him to stop, to come home. I asked him to look at me & DD and make his choice. He refused to come out the fruit machines had a stronger old on him than me, his pregnant wife, and baby daughter. That still wasnt the turning point for me though, I struggled on for another year after that.

Now, I wish I hadnt waited, and wish id left right then . GA hasnt helped him, he is stil a mess 8 years on and me & his children are well out of it.

I agree with teh poster who mentioned the feeling of being in control of your own finances. Its wonderfull, knowing you can pay the bills/rent and feed your kids.

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 15:22

i gave him a chance i asked him the first time to come out and he went straight back in again - no regard for his kids standing outside ,im so angry

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thumbwitch · 10/04/2010 15:27

hold onto that anger, CF - remember that he put his love of gambling ahead of his love for you and the DC. Remember that pouring money into the machine is more important to him than ensuring his family is properly provided for.
And remember that he is lying - to you, to his family, and most importantly to himself.

Knowing all that, how can you want him to stay? He isn't going to change without a serious rocket up the arse - you chucking him out and sticking to it could well be that rocket.

candyfluff · 10/04/2010 15:32

thankyou - i do need to see it through this time

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GibbonInARibbon · 10/04/2010 15:34

Please don't be offended but if you don't see it through this time, what need has he to change?

This could be the point that makes him turn his life around and be the husband and father he could potentially be without the insidious gambling.

Stay strong.

Flip

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