Is anyone else horrible to their oh without knowing why?

[obsessivereader]

Hi there. Just had a row with dh over something and nothing and he's said he's had enough of me talking to him like he's something I trod in.

Tbh, I knew I was a bit snappy at mo but didn't think I was that bad. The thing is, he's really getting on my nerves and I don't know why. We've got a 3yr old and a 3m old who isn't sleeping v well so of course I'm tired, but dh can't do anything right and I'm always getting cross over stupid little things.

I guess I just thought I was hiding my irritation a bit better than I obviously am.

I love him to bits and he's very hands on with the children so I shouldn't complain so why can I not stop myself from being horrible to him?

Has anyone experienced similar?

[Dominique07]

Is there a basic problem that your have with him, that you've been ignoring or assuming its not really important?
Maybe you need to get something out in the open with him?

[BitOfFun]

Is your tiredness setting off your Irrit Levels? Or could it be an underlying resentment or level of hostility on your part?

[kickassangel]

i get like this if i don't get time on my own. it doesn't have to be self-indulgent, i can do housework, but if i don't have some quiet, i get really harassed. could it be something like this? with 2 young kids things can easily build up without you realising before you snap.

fwiw, do sit down & apologise & tell him you love him. perhaps even remind your self (and him) of all his better qualities.

[obsessivereader]

I don't think there's anything underlying although I do feel a bit resentful over his job. I'm a sahm and feel very lucky that I have that choice. We had a crappy year last yr with him being out of work for a lot of the year, but he's recently started a new job which he really enjoys. He talks about all the positive feedback he's getting and I want to be happy that he's earning and enjoying it and doing well, but I get irritated cos I don't really feel I'm doing a v good job at home and even if I was, nobody tells me!

Our 3m old is bf and won't take a bottle, plus she's co-sleeping with me and dh is in the other room. Time for me is very hard to come by and yes, I crave it.

We've got a relative staying for a few days so difficult to have a heart to heart. He went to bed so I sent a text trying to say sorry and I love him but he took it the wrong way and panted at me in reply. Yes, I know texts are rubbish but I thought he was asleep and didn't want our guest to hear.

It shocked me that he didn't accept my apology and I'm quite upset by his reaction it's unlike him so he must be hurting too.

[BitOfFun]

It's difficult if somebody is staying, but when you get a chance, do try to have a good heart-to-heart. It might just nip this in the bud. The ideal is to think of yourselves as you and him against the world, rather tham you and him against each other. Talking is the only way to get there.

[obsessivereader]

Feels more like me against the world at the mo and I'm losing! :-(

[thumbchick]

Yes I do this and sometimes I wonder why, other times I know why.

We have had a very stressful year, with moving to Australia (he is Aussie so for him it was going home) and me having to adjust to the whole thing, including leaving friends and family (i.e. RL support network) behind. We have a 2.4yo DS - I am co-sleeping with him again, despite having had him trained to sleep on his own in his own room in his cot from between 6-18mo. DH sleeps on his own "because he needs his sleep" .

I get down, I get tired, I get depressed. And then I get ultra snippy and some days I can barely say a civil word to him.

Sometimes I just need time away too - several times I have been tempted to just get in the car and take off for the day, leaving DH to take care of DS by himself (except he never does, he always phones his mum to do it)

Some days he just takes it, other days he also tells me he is sick of me talking to him like he's a piece of shit. (Are they the same person, I wonder?)

What he never seems to do (and maybe this is my fault, maybe his) is to actually address the situation and ask me if there is anything he can do to help me, or that would make me feel better/happier/less irritated. It doesn't help our case that he seems to positively delight in winding me up, I tell him he's doing it, he knows he does it but "he just can't help himself" - so IMO he often deserves the snippiness.

There is simmering resentment on both sides, something we need to deal with as it is slowly poisoning our relationship.

You have just had a baby, you are tired, worn out, hormonal and possibly slightly PND (Have you been checked by the HV?) and your DH needs to do what he can to help you, rather than just getting all huffy and "poor me" about it.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

WOOHOO I am not alone!!

I do this to DP sometimes and then feel awful afterwards.

[obsessivereader]

I know what you mean. Sometimes he doesn't help himself and seems to be winding me up on purpose - but gets all indignant if I suggest such a thing - who knows!

Not sure about pnd - hv asked me if I wanted checking but said I seem fine so I didn't bother. That was a couple of months ago and I don't see her again unless I want to.

[firsttimestepdad]

This is something us males suffer from too!!
Just talk......Find a way of removing all destractions and find each other again. I went through this, and through talking i descovered it was caused by the pressures of my working time table....i started to understand the other view, i think thats the key!

[obsessivereader]

Yeah we need to talk - just difficult to determine when!

Was really upset last night but feeling angry this morning that he didn't accept my apology - it makes it more difficult to sort things out if he's being hostile. Still he did ask how dd2 slept give me a kiss when he left.

[belladownunder]

I used to do this and I always felt terrible about it later. Obviously you're tiredness and lack of me time would be making you more snippy than usual.

I eventually had a sit down discussion with my dh about it and we talked about what triggered my snappiness and what he could do to make things easier. It rarely happens now. Talk to your hubby.

[templemaiden]

I used to be like this a lot but seemed to calm down in recent years.

Then last December I tried out the contraceptive injection and - bagn - all my old irritableness came bouncing right back!!

For me it's purely down to hormones - without them I am really very calm and serene most of the time - although not all, I do still have the odd moment, but nothing like what you describe, which sounds gorrible for your poor dh.

My dh has moments of crankiness too but the key for us has been to identify why - he gets cranky first thing in the mornings, before his first cigarette - and also if he is very tired, or is frustrated when a job he is doing isn't going right.

Talk to him, apologise, explain, and try to identify the cause and put it right. If you're on hormonal birth control, try coming off it and trying something else.

I am going to have to try something different as I've had two Mirena coils in and they keep getting dislodged, I can;t have hormones for the above reason, and we don't like condoms, so I'm thinking of trying a diaphragm but they are only 84%-97% effective!

Anyway, I digress. GOod luck.

[templemaiden]

wah - ignore all my typos - I can spell, I just can't type!!

[plantsitter]

Who is the relative staying? Could you ask them to babysit for an hour while you and DH go for a coffee/ a drink?

[legscrossed]

see things from his point of view.

would you put up with you?

would you ever treat random others like this let alone your very nearest n dearest?

stop it.......just stop it.

Its all about respect........get back to the love.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

In the bad old days when H was a selfish, lazy procrastinator, I used to do this a lot. I'd get thoroughly fed up of the unfair division of labour, the polite requests to do something that obviously needed doing, the promises to "do it in a minute" and finding it either didn't get done, or was done badly....so yes, I would react with contempt.

If that's what's happening in your house, nip it in the bud now, but don't assume you are being horrible "for no reason".

[thumbchick]

ironically pmsl at legscrossed - if it were that EASY do you not think we'd have DONE it by now??

[ItsGraceAgain]

You've got a lot of good reasons for being snippy: 2 young kids, one a baby; staying at home; possible imbalance of power at home; insufficient load-sharing. Obviously you shouldn't react to it all by biting your partner's head off but you're hardly alone in this. And you do apologise.

Which makes me wonder: you haven't said anything to suggest there are underlying problems between you, so it's worrying that he's so cross that he doesn't accept your apology straight away. So are you very nasty in what you say, or the way you say it? I'm thinking about how often this kind of thing comes up in 'Stately Homes'. There could be some background anger going on with one (or both) of you, leading to unreasonable amounts of - ahem, verbal abuse, or unreasonable levels of hurt in response.

What are your parents like, and his? Just thought I'd mention the possibility, in case it makes you go "Aha!"

[belladownunder]

Armchair psychology at its best.

[mathanxiety]

You have got to carve out some time for yourself. One afternoon every weekend for instance. Everyone will survive for a few hours without you.

I would also go and have yourself screened for PND. The tension in the relationship plus the lack of good quality sleep, on top of a year when you were pg and your DH was unemployed and you were all the while dealing with a toddler, and still are, might be a recipe for some level of PND -- at the very least, you have been living with a high level of stress for a while now, and attending to that might be productive.

You haven't mentioned ahem how the sleeping arrangements are affecting your sex life and if you don't want to, then don't feel obliged to share, but maybe your DH is feeling a bit left out and overly irritable despite being the only adult getting a good night's sleep in the house. You mightn't be too snippy -- it might be that he is just too irritable.

He has to recognise that things are not exactly peachy for you right now, and do his best to meet you halfway if he wants things to improve (assuming there's room for improvement), but even in terms of how much the two of you feel that you actually like each other, he needs to be willing to help you make your life feel more like your own before the two of you can get onto the same page and regain your equilibrium (this really needs to be done after every baby arrives, not just the first).

[obsessivereader]

ItsGraceAgain - I'm not very nasty no, just very defensive and snippy. He poss took it badly this time as it was in front of some of my relatives who he really likes and in his family its not the done thing to say what you feel - my family is a lot more open and wouldn't really bat an eyelid!

Mathanxiety - happy to share! Sex life is non existant - same thing happened with dd1 when I was exhausted, breastfeeding and stressing about being a good mum. He struggled with it, we talked and once he realised I hadn't gone off him, he came to terms with it. We talked about it again before deciding to have another and he expected the same thing to happen again and was ok with that as he knew from last time that it would return eventually! There may well be some subconscious element of this in his reaction though.

Things have now settled down - I am biting my tongue when he talks about how tired he is!

Will talk to hv on Mon re pnd - I'm sure some me time would help but I guess I'll have to wait until dd2 will accept a bottle and it won't hurt to get checked out in the meantime.