How do you work out what you and DP do? Am feeling angry but realise am behavingly badly

[whattheheck]

For past few weeks I have alarmed myself at how cross and resentful I feel...and ashamed of how I'm behaving.
When I was on mat leave I did pretty much everything for DC - food, clothes, nappies, washing - which was fair enough because I was at home.
Now am back at work, and am appalled at myself because I seem to be in a low-level (and not so low-level) sulk a lot of the time. I take DC to childminder and pick up, do bath, organise food, clothes etc. DP cooks evening meal which is great, but I find myself resenting the fact that he never has to think about the boring 'what shall i give DC for lunch/tea/are there clean clothes?' stuff) Plus at the weekends he never ever changes nappies unless I force him to....and never does bedtime.
He does do stuff if i ask but often forgets or won't do it for hours
Eg we ended up having a huge row y'day because I said 'DP do you want to feed DC lunch or hang out the washing?' He said he would do the washing but immediately got distracted and decided to make DC an omelette for tea...It was stupid of me to get cross, he was doing a lovely thing but I thought well that could have been done 3 hrs later and if the washing didnt get hung up then then there would be no dry clothes for today...and my suspicion was he wd forget to do it altogether
But realise I am being very grumpy and difficult and not appreciating what he was doing. Can't bear the way it is - just snapping at each other all the time, and try hard to bite tongue - then get sulky again. Tell me to be grateful for what I have....How did you work it out?

[EricNorthmansmistress]

You need to allocate responsibilities. I have more organisational responsibility in the house because DH is hopeless at it, it stresses him out and is pointless. So I do food shop, laundry, preparing lunches etc. I tidy round more than him.

He does kitchen, rubbish and floors. There are obviously more jobs than that but basically we play to our strengths DH does the jobs that are totally obvious if they don't get done, he needs them to stand up and smack him in the face before doing them. Whereas I do the jobs that require forward planning and organisation.

We share cooking pretty equally. He's lazy when I'm around about taking initiative for DS though which gets on mty nerves. He can do it when I'm not there - so why doesn't he think of it when I am?

[comixminx]

Yes, sit down and divvy up the tasks in some clear and logical way - after all things have just changed with you going back to work, so it's fair enough to have to work it out again, different to what it was before. Make the point that if you have to think of things and ask him to do them, this is still leaving you with the responsibility of them - the things that are his should be entirely his.

Mind you this does mean you'll need to be strong enough to let him not do things if he doesn't - so that you all see the consequences, if you see what I mean. If his task is always doing the laundry and putting it away, and he doesn't do it, then you'll all be inconvenienced, but he has to see it becoming an inconvenience - it mustn't be done for him or him be nagged into it, as it were. Sorry if that sounds patronising, it's just that I know it's really hard to stand by and see something not done or done in a way you wouldn't do - but otherwise he might not take the task on as properly his, because you'd not be really leaving it to him.

These tips are from me having to housetrain my male housemate some years ago by the way! It should be easier with your DP I hope.

[CarGirl]

Part of dividing up the chores also is bedtime routine IMO it's important that either of you can put the dcs to bed so either of you can go out. If he is not able to do it during the week then he will have to do the weekends, if not give him 4 nights and you do 3

[whattheheck]

yes maybe that is the way forward...more demarcation and just accepting DP is not going to change. I can't go on feeling cross like this - it is horrible for him, DC and I hate myself too

(part of my grumpiness is I guess, that we were both fairly laid back and disorganised before we had DC; now I have had to change and he hasn't... )

[whattheheck]

comixminx - good point...I think we may all have to wear dirty clothes for a week , but the long term good will be worth it....

and CarGirl - yes. It actually makes me sad that he shows no interest in bedtime because DC is actually fairly amenable - it's not always a big fight. It means that for me however 5-7.30 seems like a big grind with tea, clearing up, bath, story, milk etc

[GrendelsMum]

Have you tried explaining to him how you feel? i.e. that you're taking on all the responsibility, although not all the actual carrying out of the jobs, and that that's making you grumpy. And letting him explain back to you how he feels about it? And then working together to agree a solution?

[CarGirl]

So if he is around every eveing one of you washes & clears up whilst the other puts to bed (inc bath,story etc) surely that is logical?

[whattheheck]

yes grendelsmum have tried, but he says i have to tell him what needs doing, but then gets cross when says I want things done in a certain way at a certain time.

so it works for a bit, then falls apart - and then i get grumpy again....

i think underneath it all - and i know this makes me sound awful - is i resent he gets all the fun time with DC and little of the grind...

[Condensedmilkaddict]

You need to sit down and write it down.

Yes, I know it's boring and he will baulk intially, but better that than your DC growing up in a tense household, and you feeling stressed and unorganised.

In our house DH does the shopping, cooking and bathrooms.
I do the laundry, floors and breakfast run (making lunches.
He does the gardens, and I do the pets.

It's about fairness and doing what you 'like' (or at least don't hate).

He likes cooking and is far better at it than me. I do the washing up because I am extemely grateful to have my food cooked for me.

Without it being really clear, it will just continue along the way it has been going.

[Condensedmilkaddict]

initially and ) and extremely.

I really am literate

[groundhogs]

"So if he is around every eveing one of you washes & clears up whilst the other puts to bed (inc bath,story etc) surely that is logical?"

You are going to tell me that not only this is logical that it is common too aren't you?




Honestly can it not even cross that excuse for a mind as to why we get so ffing resentful?

[comixminx]

Another thing that I found very useful when house-training my male housemate was agreeing timescales - also sounds boring and a bit rigid but it worked. By that I mean that rather than agreeing it was his job to clean the kitchen and mine to clean the bathroom (or whatever) and leaving it up to the individual to do it when it seemed to need it, we agreed that the kitchen needed cleaning once a week and the bathroom likewise (and we took turns in doing each of those). So long as it was done by end of day Sunday that was ok (leading to him cleaning his allotted area at around 10 at night more than once!)

Maybe with the "i have to tell him what needs doing, but then gets cross when says I want things done in a certain way at a certain time" bit, you can agree the overall ground rules including rough times (say, kids to be in bed by whatever o'clock at the latest) and then leave him to it, even if he does things in a different order or whatever within that agreed structure?

[groundhogs]

Thing is, condensedmilkaddict I can see how they'd baulk at the sit down and distribution of tasks, but I know for a fact that DH will just refuse, point blank.

I get the 'Men in my country don't to that....' reply, folded arms and entrenched position.

I reply yeah female prison population in your country are, almost to a woman, there for killing their husbands...

[templemaiden]

groundhogs - did you marry him knowing this already, or has this changed since you married?

Personally I could not marry a man who had that kind of 50s opinion - it would be a deal breaker for me.

So I guess if you already knew what you wre getting into, you can't really complain

Sorry.

takes cover

Personally we don't live together full time yet but I and my dcs stay at his house every weekend, and have actually been here for five days this weekend with it being Easter.

I have also been taking my washing down for at least 6 months since my washing machine broke.

He completely pulls his weight - he cooks, washes up, hoovers and even does my washing for me sometimes. He even changes nappies.

So I have no doubt that when we do live together full time that the distribution of household chores will not be a problem.

Luckily for me he lived by himself after his wife left and he realised that there are no little house fairies that come and do your laundry and your washing for you - you have to actually do it yourself and iron your own shirts if you want them ironing.

We have had preliminary discussions about distribution of chores when we do live together. I hate washing up and he hates laundry and ironing - so that is two jobs sorted right away. He will wash up and I will do the laundry.

If when we got married, things changed and he suddenly started expecting me to do everything we would be having some very loud arguments about it. But I don't think that will happen.

[Condensedmilkaddict]

Angry on your behalf Groundhogs.

Are you both working? When I wasn't working I did most things, but like the OP we are both working fulltime now, and it needs to be 'fair'.

I don't like my SIL but one clever thing she did do once was to go on strike.

She refused to wash my brothers clothes, only did hers and the kids

Refused to cook for him.

Refused to do anything really...

I get the whole 'not up to your standard' thing. DH spent $500 on his first weekly grocery shop that's approx 300 pounds.
But I have learnt to not say anything...

[Aussieng]

My DH is reasonably willing but like EricNorthman.. says does not see anything unless it smacks him in the face. So on a Sat morning when we prepare to do a tidy round he has to ask me what needs doing and you can't just say tidy the kitchen it has to be ver specific (empty the rubbish, unload the dishwasher, transfer the washing to the dryer....) Drives me nuts. He also has not good habbits so dirty clothes just dumped on the floor. He has this huge thing about PMA so tells me that I should not criticise his failings but should praise him when he does something well as that will make him to better [snort] Yes darling but give me something to work with wont you?

But I feel blessed compared to Groundhogs DH also tells me that it takes 28 days of routine to get into good habits. I have to confess that I am not naturally a domestic godess so I do not help in this respect. eg I have been trying to say to him lets load the dishwasher every night and he says fine lets get into a routine in 28 days it will come naturally. Does not sound so bad but it always falls to me to make the effort and after about 5 days (usually by Thursday evening when on the home stretch for the weekend) I lose focus and it slips away... A puppy would be easier I think

[groundhogs]

he's changed. He was pretty well trained, 20yrs in the uk. Used to cook pretty often, had been known to iron my clothes sometimes while i was working.

That all stopped though when i had ds. Right when i really needed him to help. Then we went to his country. 3yrs and he's reverted back to the way they are raised out there.

Gah! I'll stick to my guns, stand up for what i know is right, and if that's too much for him then if can go, i'd be better off on my own. Eventually...

[Undercovamutha]

We sort things out by looking at free-time left IYSWIM. So I work p/t, DH works f/t.

I get most of the cleaning done in the day when I am not working (when DS is asleep and with DD helping!, or when DD and DS are playing together).

By the time DH comes home from work, all I want him to do is take the kids off my hands so I can have some peace! And also I think it is important that they get time with him. So DH does bathtime and bedtime EVERY NIGHT, while I cook the tea (am happy to do this - as enjoy it and get to listen to the radio!). We both then get our evenings free, once the kids are in bed.

Things are not quite so simple on the weekend - mostly because I am a control freak who finds it hard to slow down. DH tends to do most of the childcare (mostly whilst lying on the sofa ()whilst I do any chores/cooking. It seems to work well though, most of the time.

[choosyfloosy]

I would say talk to him about what standard of house/childcare he actually likes. Does he like a tidy, clean house, does he like knowing there will be clean pants in the drawer, milk in the fridge, knowing the children have eaten rather than screaming 'I'm hungry' and realising that it's 6.30 and you haven't even decided what to cook?

Because really all this 'you have to tell me what to do' is either sheer bullshit, or else he is afraid of transgressing your standards in some way, or else he really doesn't care whether the house is tidy. If a man is capable of holding down a job, he is more than capable of cleaning and planning 48 hours ahead WRT food for the kids. But cleaning is dull, menial and has to be done a million times a year with no respite; someone has to do it. Planning ahead for children does take a little practice IMO (I remember my brain literally aching in the early days of having ds as I adjusted to it) but it is hardly rocket science.

what 'men in his country' do or don't do is irrelevant. He's not there and he married you. You married him, and you don't want to be angry all the time. He needs to work with you to sort it, and this 'you have to tell me what to do' is ridiculous, is he 6 years old?

[templemaiden]

groundhogs - thank you for replying to my question without being annoyed - I wasn't sure what the situation was.

[CarGirl]

You see I am just evil, dh has to help,it's not optional.

Boy did we have some screaming matches in the first 7 years but it's all sorted now. Dh is the tidy freak but useless at cleaning and cooking but he is willing and does lots of stuff without ever being asked.

I think SIL & MIL are in awe that I will endure the confrontation to get stuff sorted out whereas they would back down for an easy life.

I am determined to not become put upon like my Mum was. Dh works locally and doesn't have a taxing job - he puts the dc to bed everynight he is home, washes up, will hang up wet washing and put dry washing away (have even labelled pants to help ), he hoovers, clears away after meals, gives the dc lunch at weekends, pop out for small shops (he doesn't drive), will clean the loo (when I point it out to him) - probably other stuff too. I don't really work much at the moment so yes I do everything else put he would still rather go to work than be at home!

[groundhogs]

he he, no, absolutely fair point templemaiden he did say that he wouldn't be overly hands on in the dad stuff, but tbh i didn't expect that he'd be as bad as he was.



When you are so utterly let down in the division of life and the everyday chores, it really kills the respect and love you have doesn't it?

Sorry to hijack whattheheck, sit the bugger down and set him straight. The sooner the better. That's what men here DO, share the load, share the lie ins, share the time off.