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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Bloody ILs! So fed up with having to visit them every bloody holiday.

41 replies

OrmRenewed · 04/04/2010 22:24

MIL lives in a tiny overcrowded flat. We sit and talk and drink tea. God it's dull! Children aren't allowed to make a noise or run around.

We have to spend a precious day there tomorrow. Sitting and talking and being soooooo bored. I have no extra leave and I don't want to spend it there. MIL doesn't drive, neither does eldest SIL so if we have to see them we have to drive. DH can't atm so I am forced to drive the whole family there.

Have just had a lovely day at my parents - Db and his family were there. Spent the day having Easter egg hunt, searching for frogs and frogspawn in the pond, walking the dogs, watching the children playing in the garden. Can't go there tomorrow because we have to sit in an overheated flat being bored, I will be the one making conversation because DH can't be bothered.

Why do I do this? Why don't I just say no?

OP posts:

Report

DinahRod · 04/04/2010 22:32

Feel your pain.

Any chance you can combine the duty visit with an outing somewhere as it "isn't fair to you or the dcs to coop them up" and invite them along?

SpeccieSeccie · 04/04/2010 22:53

Feeling your pain too. Had an in law day today and actually it was better than I feared but, phew, the hours can drag on. For me I particularly dread the topics over lunch/tea which are always so mind-numbingly insular, and repetitive, and etc, etc.

Think Dinah's was a good suggestion. Can you take MiL out?

Hassled · 04/04/2010 22:56

There must be a nice National Trust place nearby? Or even a garden centre? MIL might actually be grateful for the change of scene.

thisisyesterday · 04/04/2010 22:56

yes, was going to suggest the same as DInah, take them all out somewhere.

national trust property? nice cafe for lunch? even just to the park???

OrmRenewed · 05/04/2010 09:38

We only have a 5-seater atm and there will be 5 of us plus at least 2 others. She can't walk far these days and SIL is about 25 stone (at least) and has resulting joint problems.

I'll take the DC out to the nearest park for a while I think.

Thanks everyone. And thanks for not telling me off for being uncharitable. I normally do this without complaint but I must be in a very selfish mood atm

OP posts:

diddl · 05/04/2010 09:42

I would second the taking the children out.

Is she too far away to fetch her to you for the day?

Alouiseg · 05/04/2010 09:43

You're not being selfish! The Il's are. I wouldn't go. My dc's are my priority.

fruitful · 05/04/2010 09:45

How old are your children? Can you take board games to play? Invite your MIL to join in ...

giveitago · 05/04/2010 10:55

Oh yup same here - I've had bloody 16 years of spending the vast majority of my free time with ils abroad - expensive and boring as they wouldn't travel.

Now we have ds it's expensive borning and with a very bored and frustrated ds and I refuse to accept that this will be his life of 'holiday's' from now until 16. It's awful.

Now mil travels - ie we have to fly and get her - expensive and then bring her here for long periods of time (ie when we can fly her back again) and it also makes my life hard as I have to babysit her.
Agh - insist you take your lo out for a bit.

Can they not come to you on a train?

cornsilk · 05/04/2010 10:57

It's not MIL's fault she lives in a flat though is it? It's easy to let kids run about if you have a nice garden.

OrmRenewed · 05/04/2010 11:46

No its not MILs fault cornsilk. But it's not the DC fault either.

OP posts:

GeekOfTheWeek · 05/04/2010 13:22

This would irritate me too.

I would go and have an hour then take dc's somewhere. Then pick dh up and have another hour.

Could the mil and sil not use public transport?

My 79 year old gran gets the bus everywhere although I appreciate not every old person can do this.

Tbh it would really annoy me having to facilitate everyone else because I was the only one able to drive.

SugarMousePink · 05/04/2010 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fireandlife · 05/04/2010 13:30

Why don't you combine a visit to her with a visit to the park or National Trust property. Just join her for tea afterwards. Really you and DH should be in control of what you do, not your MIL! Alternatively, don't go so often, say you need some family time together. This is totally reasonable and she should have to get on with it!!

marantha · 05/04/2010 14:28

Oh for heaven's sake, you only have to spend a day with the woman. You have no backbone.

marantha · 05/04/2010 14:30

Grown women enjoying Easter egg hunts! For heaven sake!

marantha · 05/04/2010 14:47

Of course children simply must be amused 24/7, the little darlings. Heaven forbid that they should EVER be bored!

AnzoneioBanderas · 05/04/2010 14:49

why not get her to yours? or send dh alone

FabIsGettingThere · 05/04/2010 14:51

What's wrong marantha?

diddl · 05/04/2010 14:53

A whole day?
Blöödy hell is that all?

marantha · 05/04/2010 15:07

FabIsGettingThere What's wrong? Several things.
First (and, yes, it IS only a post and I don't know what this person is like in reality), the OP's opening post strikes me as being written by someone who has little concept about the notion of duty within a marriage- YES, nobody should tolerate abuse or violence but this is just simply a case of spending a few hours with her MIL. Hardly that bad, is it?

Secondly, the MIL could be lonely and to NOT visit may hurt her very much.

Thirdly, the flat is "tiny and overcrowded"* and the children will be bored. SO WHAT?! Children need to learn how to cope with boredom. Most of life will be boring to them- even the most prestigious job is boring to a certain extent.

*Also, this tiny, overcrowded flat might be in Mayfair and p---ing of mum-in-law may not be a good idea if it is if you know what I mean.

FabIsGettingThere · 05/04/2010 15:10

your last comment is crass

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marantha · 05/04/2010 15:15

Yes, it is a little crass I admit- just turning the notion of what "tiny and overcrowded" means on its head, that's all.
Nevertheless, the last comment has only a fraction of the crassness displayed by the Opening post. God, I feel sorry for mum-in-law cooped up in her little flat on her ownsome because the children must be amused no matter what. I do hope Opening poster had a change of heart and went to see her, after all.
Perhaps the OP was posted in a fit of pique and she came to her senses and did do her duty.

jardy · 05/04/2010 16:35

marantha you are right.A sense of duty and hanging in there is very important.I know someone who just would not visit her mil with her dc or her own mother for that matter.
Now she is upset because she never sees her grown up ds.What goes round comes round.
You are also right that children need to cope with boredom.No wonder the world is a mess,what about values?
Combining the visit with a trip to a park or rationalising the vists,but not to visit because you want to put your kids first,by visiting you are putting your kids first.

DuelingFanjo · 05/04/2010 16:40

"Why do I do this? Why don't I just say no? "

get her a train ticket so she can come and stay with you for a while?

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