Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH wants to come back but not sure if he means it

3 replies

lookingahead · 03/04/2010 21:27

My DH walked out on me in October. We went to counselling but I couldn't continue after 3 months as I felt like his heart wasn't in it (he has since admitted this) it felt as if I was sliding backwards not forwards in my recovery .. plus I am pregnant (found out the week after he left) and felt I wanted to focus on the baby.

Things between us were limited mostly to DD (2.5years) chats etc but he has had something of a turnaround in the last week..... saying he realises how many mistakes he has made, how he wants to move back in , go to couples' counselling etc (which we can't do whilst I am pregnant). In a way this is all I have wanted to hear for months but I don't know the way forward for this.

I have told him I think it would be a bad idea for him to move back in whilst we worked on things as too much has happened (not the main cause and all over now but there was a girl from work on the scene for a while)and it's too much. I did not want to close the door though as actually I do want my family back together so I suggested us spending some time together -maybe once a week for an hour or so away from DD so we could work on 'us' and just talk about everything. He agreed....

This was a week ago and I guess I am waiting for him to make the next move... Is this fair enough ? I also want him to go and see a counsellor alone to discover what drove him to act the way he did. He has said he can't afford it... Can I make it a pre-requisite of us working on things ? I also lent him 'Not just Friends' whilst we were in couples' counselling and he admitted last week he had not picked it up - but did not say he would - should I demand he reads it or is that just controlling ?

I am open to the idea of us working on things although it scares the life out of me and puts me back in a very vulnerable place but I do need to see some effort from him too and I need to know that he is genuine -. I do know that he too is very scared, does not like himself at all right now and is full of guilt and shame but does this mean I should expect anything different from him in terms of effort ? (or should I cut him some slack?) I have told myself that I can't /won't trust that he means it until I hear him saying the same things over a period of time and see some actions from him... ie HIM arranging the babysitting so we can have that hour together once a week, going to counselling by himself, reading the book, making an effort as all I have had so far is words... Or am I expecting too much given it's been less than a week since his turnaround ?

I never wanted our marriage to break up and have been through the hardest 5 months of my life so I am really scared about 'letting him back in' - or anywhere near me until I can be sure. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it thanks

OP posts:

Report

choosyfloosy · 03/04/2010 21:35

I think I would write him a letter.

I'm normally very against doing anything in relationships unless it's face to face, but I think a letter in this case makes sense. I would be positive, if possible, but clear.

I think I would also pick one or two things to focus on - I wouldn't insist he read a particular book TBH, but I would put in the letter that I had felt that meeting once a week could work really well, and expected him to sort out some NHS counselling via his GP, and that the ball was now in his court, with best wishes, kind of thing.

I'm sure you'll get some better advice on here. HTH.

Report

DuelingFanjo · 03/04/2010 21:46

yes, you are absolutely right to set conditions for his return. If he really wants to make things work then he should accept that you do not want to move so fast and that he must go to counselling.

If he wants to make it work then he will find a way to afford it. Stick to your guns!

Report

lookingahead · 03/04/2010 22:15

Choosy -yes perhaps a letter. I would be scared that once I started it could go on for ever - actually that was one of the problems in our relationship - communication and him being such a strong personality I never got what I wanted to say out.

Dueling. Yep that makes sense. I guess the emotional side of me is scared of coming up with these demands in case it seems like ultimatums and sends him running... but the rational side tells me that if this is the way he reacts to me sticking up for myself setting boundaries then maybe there's the answer to my question. I don't need /want flowers every day or gushing words -I just want some genuine actions to back his words up