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finding myself after divorce and my mothers disaproval of that

7 replies

iamwhoialwayswas · 02/04/2010 09:18

I didnt see /speak/no contact at all with my mother from the age of 19 to 28 ( might have been 29).
When we started a relationship again i had just seperated from my husband and was a bit of a mess. Me and ex dh were on a off for a while and we are finally getting divorced now.

Over the last year i have started to slowly feel more and more like myself. its been a slow and sometimes painful process as i recongised how unhappy i was and how over the years i had lost myself. I feel more like myself that i ever have done. Im still a work in progress but im definatley a lot happier.

My mother is not happy about this at all. She keeps saying its not me. Except it is me. she just didnt know me as a grown up at all. The only grown up me she has known is a very stressed out super in control and under pressure person. which is not who i am at all.

My style of clothes and hair has slowly changed and she doesnt like it. Im back to being spontaneous and taking things as they come. making no plans. she doesnt like this and says i like to plan things. BUT I DONT. I never have done its just i was in a situation where i had to else i wouldnt have coped.

She doesnt like my laid back attitude to things how i am enjoying music and clothes and friends again. she keeps reminding me i am a mum and should not try and be so 'cool'.

and whats making me most angry is that she is attaching all this change in me to a man who she has never met. someone ive been seeing for a short while. she says beacuse he is like that i am becoming like that. But tthats is not the case at all. I stopped wearing a watch last summer as i was sick of looking at the clock and working out when i needed to do things and how many hours i have to do them in. She has only just noticed and apparently its 'his' fault.

its making me very angry. 'HE' is lovely and my friends and other family have noted how he is exacally my type pre marriage. if he was in a line of up men he would be the one they would know i would picl=k. ( based on looks alone) however my mother cant stop going on about my ' odd' choice in men and why i have come over all atrange.

how can i get her to realise its not beacuse of him. its beacuse of me. this is who i am.

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VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 02/04/2010 09:22

Maybe you can't get her to realise? She's sucking you into a battle when really you don't have to prove this to her at all.

Accept the fact your mum is who she is and you cannot change her.......

She has to do the same about you.

Be yourself and limit your contact with your mother until you feel strong enough to just smile and ignore her remarks

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BessieBoots · 02/04/2010 09:25

She sounds jealous tbh.

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iamwhoialwayswas · 02/04/2010 09:30

i think it just comes from the fact that she doesnt actually know me as a grown up.

She has alwasys said how much we are alike. She plans everything down to the last min of her day. Or weeks in advance. she organises everyone bosses them about. she loves routein and knowing exacally what she is doing.

I HATE THAT. i am not like that. To an extent ive had to be like that to get through the last few years and ive despised every min of it.

I think she doesnt like the fact that actually im not like her at all. All i keep hearing is ' the old you would of never of said/done that' except she has only known me for a few years.

pisses me off

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Bonsoir · 02/04/2010 09:37

You feel that your mother moulded you into a certain sort of person, and now you are breaking free from her mould and working out who you really are and want to be. Your mother is obviously going to resist your breaking free from her mould like crazy, since she undoubtedly invested huge amounts of energy into making you into that person.

Relax and stop thinking that you are ever going to gain your mother's approval ever again.

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iamwhoialwayswas · 02/04/2010 09:40

but i was that person when i was 18/19/20. ive just gone back to being me. she just didnt know me then.

and clearly she disapproves.

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ducati · 02/04/2010 12:40

your post made me smile. i am going through similar with my mother.

Like many parents I expect when you were little she pretty much told you how you felt, how to deal with things etc and she cannot believe it hasn't stuck. i dont mean that she is not a nice person or anything. Routine and organising eveyone is what has got her through life and she doesn't know any other way, so thinks you are now very subversive.

she isnt going to change. nothing you say is going to make a light go on and have her think "aha now i get it. when she was young she didnt really know her own mind and now she is an adult she does". you'll have to learn to deal with her disapproval and not take her criticisms too much to heart. You are not her. and sounds like the "old you" was not particularly happy....

My mother is really struggling to accept me at the moment. we were very close for many years but I have had major marital crisis in last year and she cannot bear that I am not dealing with it the way she would have. She is very much the "keep marching" sort, and I have refused to put a brave face on my problems anymore and play them down, as she would have done. It's like she is furious that I have broken free of her way of dealing with life's problems. it's a shame because i could do with her support.....

good luck

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iamwhoialwayswas · 03/04/2010 15:24

ducati

so sorry you are having a bad time and i can understand how you are feeling about your mum too. When i was having the 18 months from hell she was like that with me to. Gave me no support despite shouting from the rooftops that she was.

It seems that another full scale war is about to start beacuse she thinks i wasnt where i said i was at a sepcific time.

The fact that im in my mid 30's and dont have to report to anyone seems neither here nor there nor the fact that i dont have to tell everyone where i am going all of the time.

I actually cant stand it. We have a huge massive row every few months ( or weeks if i say something to her about it). I cant live my life with her disapproving comments and constant judgement. and her having to know every fucking detail of my life at all times.

Im seriously going to blow a gasket at her.