Can this relationship survive in France? sorry this has turned out long!

[Dirtyyurty]

Hi, wise words of wisdom and honesty requested!!!

I've just written a really long post about how terrible my relationship with my DP is. When I read it I thought whats the point in posting it? I already know what poeple would say if they read it- so I deleted it!!!!The synopsis of my relationship with DP sounds terrible and I guess on the whole it isn't great, but the day-to-day living with DP has been manageable.

What I really want to know it whether there are an mumsnetters out there who live, or have lived in another country and how stressful was/has this been on your relationship?

DP's dream has been to live in France whilst I've been more ambivelant and realistic about the difficulties, especially as neither of us speak french. I've started French lessons and have opened up a french bank account and have been the one to research into the hows of living in france. I'm also the one who has recently received an inheritance which is big enough to use towards any property either here or in france.

So....we've found a propery in france which is everything we would want and we could afford to buy the land (no house on the property) outright with my money and we'd hope to get a mortgage afterwards for the house. We've put in a verbal offer with the owner however I have concerns about how our relationship will fair, especially as its been pretty bumpy this last year since DD was born. If things went terribly wrong I wouldn't be able to live in France on my own- not that I would want to anyway- and I would be afraid of losing all of my inheritance.

I feel that if I expressed my concerns to DP now it would really irrevocably hurt our relationship and I know I shouldn't be feeling this way

Anyone got any advice?

[Eurostar]

Have lived in many countries.

A few questions to start...Why is it your DP's dream to live in France? What experience does he have of it? What part does he want to be in? What would he do for work? Why hasn't he learnt the language?

[AnyFucker]

I don't understand your post at all

You say your relationship is terrible

I have a few questions for you...

1. why heap a trillion more tons of pressure on it by emigrating (top of list of stressful life changes) ?
   
   
2. why sink your inheritance into something you know nothing about and be so blase about the possibility of losing it all (if your relationship is so bad...and you end up selling at a loss)
   
   
3. if France isn't your dream...why are you willing to make your partners dream come true...when you clearly fear for your relationship ?
   
   
4. what exactly is your partner contributing to this "dream" of his ?
   
   Please think about these things. Your inheritance is not just yours...it is your children's too. Don't throw it away on something you are not 110% sure about.

[Dirtyyurty]

I've asked DP as well as to why france and his reasoning is that its a 'gut feeing', he feels like he no longer belongs in the UK as well as being tired of UK politics and society (which I don't have any real problems with tbh), we've got friends who live in Fance and DP loves visiting them and being a part of that lifestyle- he does appreciate that living doesn't equate to holidays. The property we've found is in the southern Correze of Limousin although the other area we had been considering was the Gard. As for work, DP has his own business in the UK which he would continue running so he would be drawing a UK income. As for language he has taken a few lessons with my tutor but his heart isn't in it- he has a mistaken belief that he will learn it once living there!!! Which I know isn't the case!!!!

[Portoeufino]

No No and Thrice No! Honestly! Moving abroad does not make your relationship better! Moving is stressful in itself. Moving abroad trebly so! You don't know the language, you don;t know the culture. Doing ANYTHING is at least twice as hard, be that getting the phone connected, or having your hair cut.

You don't know anyone, and if you move to a rural area you are unlikely to make friends quickly. It takes a lot of time and effort. Dh and I have a strong relationship and I FULLY supported his move, but by God, I was tested at times.

In our case at least there was ONE job (and related support). In yours there are NO jobs and not even a house! On another forum I speak to an Irish woman who set up a farm in Brittany with her DH. The locals threw stones at her windows for years!

Honestly, living abroad can be wonderful, but it adds all sorts of complications. I WOULD not do it if I was not convinced my relationship was rock solid and could cope with the fall out.

[Portoeufino]

PS also remember that your UK income is subject to currency fluctuations (ie shit at the mo) and that if you DON'T learn the language you will be severely inhibited socially and in chance of finding work. Personally i think there have been too many of the Living the Dream programmes on the tv....

[Jaggers]

If DP has own business which can be run from abroad why not suggest a trial run before you commit yourself to buying there. with the conditions of learning french first!

If your relationship doesn't work there IMO it wouldn't work out in the end here either. How old is DD?

[Dirtyyurty]

Anyfucker- trust me these are all questions I have thought over and again!!! My relationship isn't terrible per se, certainly the original post I had written made it sound completely dreadful but it isn't an impossible relationship- just could be better.

As for sinking my inheritance into something that may go pop- I'm tired of not having a place of my/our own- I've never owned a property, I'm tired of renting and living in someone elses' house, I need to put down roots but I know that any property even in the UK could become negative equity. My inheritance isn't huge just very helpful!

As for making his dream a reality, I'm not from the UK but from Canada, I don't have any relatives living here so partly I feel more 'mobile' than him, DP feels really strongly about leaving the UK so I feel that I should support him with this.

[AnyFucker]

do it then

< wanders away >

[Dirtyyurty]

Jaggers- DD is only a year, the plan has been to move there before she is at school so lnaguage wouldn't necessarily be a problem for her.

thanks for all the quick posts, they are proving to be wise.
And yes there are too many reality tv shows about life abroad!!!

[Portoeufino]

What are you actually planning to DO once you have moved? School won't be an issue, you are right there.

Where will you live? Where will you shop? Where will you meet people? What will you do for money? (stuff is expensive on the continent My gas and electric is 200 euros per month and shopping I struggle to do for less than 100 euros per week for 3)

If you are going to build a house, who will manage the project? Do you know enough french to cope with tradesmen etc Planning permission - do you have it, know how to get it?

Do you have the inner resources to cope with not having mates round the corner who you can offload all the stress of dealing with the above on. And to be stuck at home with small child and dp with no job - you can only spend SO long at the delightful local market you know....

Sorry if this sounds negative, but honestly you need to think about all these things! If you can tick all the boxes and build a solid plan, then good luck to you.

[Jaggers]

It doesn't really sound like you yourself have much to keep you here, perhaps you should give it ago while DD is young enough to adapt.

Like I said previously, if your relationship wont survive that stressful situation would it survive others?

[Eurostar]

Nothing you have posted so far makes me think that this dream is realistic I'm afraid. I think you would be mad to sink your inheritance into a piece of land in a country you know little about.

"he feels like he no longer belongs in the UK as well as being tired of UK politics and society"

Tired of what in UK politics and society? What does he think is so different in France? Does he know anything about French politics and society?

Give it a try while you can but save your money, rent don't buy, while your DD is so little it is a good time to experiment living there. Save your money until you are sure.

[Portoeufino]

Eurostar, that is a great idea. Rent somewhere for 6 months. See how it feels. Immmerse yourself in the language. DON'T commit your inheritance yet....

[MmeLindt]

I agree with Porto. I too moved countries to be with DH and it is extremely difficult and stressful for a relationship.

Even with a very strong relationship, you are facing MASSIVE problems with buying property in a country where you do not speak the language, you do not know the local customs, you have no idea where to go or who to employ to do the work for you. Basically, you could get ripped off left right and centre because you have no way of haggling, or finding out if the quote you have is fair.

I had to get a new bit for the outside tap recently, and found it almost impossible to explain what I wanted in the DIY store, and that is with basic French (after 18mths here).

Why don't you rent a house for a year and try it out without sinking your inheritance.

Sterling is incredibly weak at the moment, you would be very foolish indeed to invest in a Euro property right now.

[MmeLindt]

Sorry to be so negative, but moving from Canada to UK will seem like a doddle compared to moving to a non-English speaking country.

[ItsGraceAgain]

I've lived in France and other countries. I love it, but it's extremely different from living in your home country and you MUST make massive efforts to fit in with the local culture - that includes everything from the language and mealtime rules, to how you dress, what times of the day you're expected to be out of the house and myriad other stuff.

Moving on a "gut feel" is idiotic.

[cestlavielife]

you found land with no house? where would you live? is his money from UK enough to pay rent adn build a house etc?

how wil you deal with local builders in french?

go rent there for a while first, six months to a year, without investing and see what it is like... and how your relationship goes...if is what you want...

[WetAugust]

You're mad to consider it.

What if the relationship does break down? Under the Hague Convention your DD's normal country of resience will be deemed to be France.

So if DP wants to remain in France and you don't - you are stuck there.

You will have absolutely no hope of returning with her to the Uk without the consent of your DP.

So you wold be trapped into staying in a country in which you don't know the language so you could remain close to your child.

Is that a future that concerns you? It would seriously concern me.

[coldtits]

Yurty, why don't you all move back to Canada? Your Dp will get away from all things British, and you get to go home.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

yurty

Your relationship is falling apart at the seams now, moving abroad will only hasten its demise. You will really be up the creek then without a paddle, you think its problematic enough now.

You've made a "verbal offer" with the landowner?. Oh for goodness sake!. Are you certain that this person has the actual right to sell this land in the first place?. Have you visited the Marie (local town hall). I only say this as land in France is subject to all sorts of rules and regulations.

If you are considering a move to France because of a "gut feeling" on your partner's part then you must be completely insane to consider this pipe dream of his. This is all his dream really is.

Neither of you can speak French and many expats have had a very hard time on all sorts of levels even if they become fluent (which takes years). Infact a third of all emigrees return to the UK within 3 years of leaving these shores.

Love yourself first for a change and stop putting him first. He is being totally unrealistic here and I think you know it. He has done seemingly nothing to prepare for a life in France. You've done a lot more than he has, what does that tell you?.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

No no no no no.

He sounds like he's just grasping at some sort of change to answer a general unhappiness "sick of the UK and UK society" indeed, how's that for nonspecific?

It sounds like you don't want to move, don't want the relationship, but feel that it's make or break time and you can't quite walk away yet.

But lord, don't sink your money into something like this. If you have to try this experiment, RENT. Really.

[rudeenglishlady]

Hi(& I'm new so hello MN)

I've been out of the UK for 2 years now. First move to one country on my own for work, followed by another emigration to live with DP. The first was okay as I was working ridiculous hours, inhabited a more or less exclusively English-speaking enclave and wasn't expecting a baby. The second move has been a bit more rocky.

Just wanted to say 'Culture Shock' is real and it can make you feel very paranoid and act a bit barmy. You will likely get over it after 6 months or so but (not being judgy)it sounds like you don't have a lot of the factors that would enable you to weather the dark days (work, language etc.). Like another poster said - you can't just hang around the charming local market forever. If its not something that you personally, really want its so difficult to study the language, put up with all the funny new stuff and just generally motivate yourself to build new networks.

Renting sounds like a fantastic idea and its coming up to the nice weather so you could have an amazing summer! Personally, I'd withdraw your offer and see how it goes without the commitment.

Hope thats okay advice - good luck

[Dirtyyurty]

hi, I've read all your posts- many thans again. I've been awake half the night worried and thinking things over. Everyone is right...our original plan had been to rent when we saw this piece of land. I think renting is a sensible options to try living in another country I haven't been able to speak to DP yet as he is away working until the weekend. The owner of the property happens to be english and we have seen his deeds etc etc so can confirm he is real owner of the land but everyone is right, without language skills it will be impossible to know if we're not being ripped off. We've just allowed ourselves to run away with the idea of the property. For me- the chance to finally have a permanent home and for him a chance to move to france.

many thanks

[frakkinnuts]

Do rent and try it but consider where. I speak from experience when I say people in Gard are not very open to outsiders, including me, and half DHs family are from there and well known locally. His family at least are nice to me though! You're not accepted for about 10 years and even then you're not going to be seen as local. Nor will your children even if they move there and never leave. People who move there and think they've slotted in nicely often don't hear the vitriol being poured on them or the (IMO worse) patronising references to 'les anglais' from people who are their friends.

Moving abroad is a big step - you know, you've already done it - and it's definitely not idyllic, especially not if it's rural France!

[Dirtyyurty]

hi again, i think tortoise hit it on the head- it make or break time for the relationship but i'm not ready to walk away just yet. and WetAugust I really did not realise that re: the Hague Convention, that really scares me as there would be no way i would or could leave DD.