I want more sex and he doesn't feel like it

[bluebongo]

We have gone from having lots of fun sex several times a week when we first got married to having it once every two weeks if I am lucky. We now have two young children and lots of responsibilities but I never thought our sex life would be affected as much as it has been.

We have now not had sex for almost a month. My DH does not seem to be bothered by this at all. But it is really upsetting me. I feel unattractive, unloved and frustrated. He says he just doesn't feel like it.

He has quite a stressful job at the moment and is working very hard. We haven't really discussed it that much as it is a bit of an emotive issue and it just seems to upset both of us. I don't really know what to do. I just don't want the situation to get worse - I dont want to be in a sexless marriage. I realise love and marriage is about more than just sex - and I really love my DH. I am really unhappy. Has anyone got any good advice. Thanks.

[mumblecrumble]

Sex for us seems to wax and wain depending on work, kids etc etc. I was similar to you and getting really worried. We talked, lots. Are you able to? It might be diffiuclt? Becuase him not having sex doesn;t mean he doesn;t find you gorgeous... maybe he's distracted by work..

We have just had mega drought, I had stuff on at school then an inspection adn he'[s had a cold that goes on forever... I think now we;ve talked I don;t feel like you do that we'll have a sexless amrriage juat that we're not having so much sex right now.

Perhaps a little DIY... either with him or on your own?

[MrIC]

Male poster alert...

While I sympathise with your situation, and understand why you feel unloved and frustrated, you need to be more proactive.

He's a man and at the end of the day, no matter how stressed or tired he is, testosterone will triumph. So... take the initiative. In a big way. I'm talking dispatch the DCs to GPs for the night/weekend, unplug the phone, disable the internet, cancel anything that's in the diary, stock up the fridge with all your favourites and appear before him as the ultimate sex goddess. Naked would be fine, but perhaps you'd feel more confident in sexy underwear or a kinky costume. This should get his attention and a little oral persuasion will reinforce the point. Spring this all on him as a surprise (though maybe hint beforehand that you fancy a lazy weekend and discourage him from making plans).

Hopefully this will kick start things and solve the current drought... but it may not solve any underlying issues, so you should definitely discuss things with him if you can.

Hope this helps!

[aSilverlining]

Wanted to respond as someone who in the past has been on the other side of this situation and let you know what may have helped. I think the main thing is to keep plenty of physical contact and intimacy going even if he doesn't feel like having full on sex. Are you still affectionate with each other even though sex isn't as regular? Think back to when you first got together and you would betouching each other as you passed, cuddled and kissed for no reason etc. As well as encouraging sex this will also keep that intimate bond between you so you both still feel close and attractive to each other. HTH in some way?

It sounds like you have spoken about it, keep on doing so and try to find time to talk and just spend a bit of quality time together.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Hah! I tried the appearing in sexy underwear before XH once, to celebrate my post-baby weight loss. He laughed loudly and derisively. I stripped it off, threw it in the back of a drawer and never, never wore it again. Good thing it wasn't expensive. (It was many more years before I actually left him, but that's one of the things I'm glad I don't have to forgive him for.)

Sorry, that was kind of a hijack. It just prodded a nerve, that's all.

[OrmRenewed]

" I think the main thing is to keep plenty of physical contact and intimacy going even if he doesn't feel like having full on sex

Yes!

I am more in silverlinings position that yours OP but one thing that I hate is only being touched or shown physical affection as an attempt to initiate sex. I don't want to have sex with someone I haven't even touched or had a kind word from in days.

And I also agree with mumble, a marriage with infequent sex is not a sexless marriage. Things will be difficult in your current situation but as long as the core of your marriag remains healthy, sex will resume it's place when life gets less busy and stressful.

[bluebongo]

Thanks for all the ideas. Not sure about surprising him with the sexy underwear etc.. Don't know if I have the nerve and I am a bit worried that he feels under pressure.

We have just had a chat and it didnt go well. My fault as I accused him of not fancying me and I was rather agressive and dramatic.

He says he does want sex but is just rather stressed and tired. He thinks three weeks is not a long break and that I am overeacting. I guess I probably am but I don't want the drought to go on for ever.

I am not sure what to do really I think I am going to have to apologise for some of the things I said and wait this drought out.

[londonartemis]

Bluebongo - In the grand scheme of things, three weeks is not long! Some of us have gone months or years before sex life picked up again. He knows now that you don't want to let it drift, which is good. My advice is take it easy now and try and shoulder some more of the stress of his life for him. Hopefully he will relax a bit more AND appreciate what you've been doing and sex will come naturally rather than him feeling under pressure!

[minipie]

Oh I can sympathise. Both DH and I (him more than me) have gone through long spells where we were stressed and knackered from long working hours (this is pre-kids even) and couldn't really be bothered with sex.

What I learned from this:

(1) It really isn't about you. It's about the stress and tiredness.

(2) Going to bed earlier really helps, if you can.

(3) Sometimes it's worth making the effort even if you don't immediately feel like it, since once you're in full swing (as it were) you will usually enjoy it.

(4) If he's knackered, you go on top and make the effort

Following on from (3), do you think you could try saying to him that it would be nice for him to give it a go sometimes even if he doesn't really feel like it? Then if he finds he enjoys it once he's got going, he might remember that and make more of an effort next time.

[Aussiemale]

ok, get ready for the male point of view. When we get stressed at work we quite often feel as if we are dealing with it alone, perhaps because the wife has been out of the work force for a while and wont understand. I admit, sometimes we do forget the pressures our partner suffers looking after the kids and the house. Both my wife & I work full time in high pressure jobs, kids have all left, but we both get stressed and in the past it has had a bad effect on our sex life. Our solution has been that come sunday afternoon, the phone comes off the hook, and we snuggle up in bed & talk. It relaxes us both and normally one thing leads to another......

[Fizzfiend]

One thing you mustn't do is let it get worse...we did that and we ended up with no intimacy whatsoever. Now in the process of separation.

I know marriage is not just about sex, but sex needs to be part of marriage for most people. It's the one thing that bonds you, so it's you and him against the world. I always found that DH and I were extra lovely to each other after sex, but a shame he just couldn't see that and cut off completely. Yes, he was very stressed at work, etc, but I also did that whole "you don't fancy me, what's wrong with me" thing.

I would definitely recommend trying a kid free night/weekend if you can swing it. Go somewhere away from the home because that often implies domesticity. Even a silly night away in a Travelodge can be fun if you're both in the right mood. Does he have a birthday coming up? Or your anniversary, or any old reason really. GL and work hard at it...I'm so sad it hasn't worked for us.

[mumblecrumble]

hee hee... I mentioned this thread to DH this morning.

hee heee heee.

And I;m quite sure the ensueing drought ending session (breif due to toddler waking up but lovely and relationship affirming) was becasue of us chatting about it, having the weekend off and me being much less stressed at work.

Maybe try talking again, personally I find 'preprepared sex' quite scarey and a turn off.... The whole underwear thing would turn me right off.

I'd go the way of organising him (and you!) so relaxation time. Kids at GPs, film on, treats in fridge, bit of wine, duvet on the sofa (its still cold you know....) and enjoy cuddles, chatting, icecream and chilling.

Cos it sounds like your first problem is you're worried about your relationship - cuddles and looking after each other. Sex will follow and if it doesn;t hold out...

[Sophistication]

Try talking to him, no matter how 'scary' u may think bringing up this topic may be. If you don't get talking, you won't find a way to resolve this situation. Find out from him if his stress is work-related or there's something else going on in his life, which may be responsible for the loss of intimacy.

[bluebongo]

Glad I could help mumblecrumble

Thanks again everyone for your advice. I am thinking of showing DH this thread. He is working very hard at the moment and under a lot of pressure at work so I think I will try to look after him a bit more and create some time for us to relax together.

We live a long way from anyone who could babysit for us or give us any time off from the kids - but luckily they do go to bed by 7.30 most nights which helps.

I hate preprapared or planned sex. It doesn't feel natural - its too forced. Unfortunatley with Kids its difficult - if not impossible - to be spontaneous so I think we will just have to wait until the moment arrives naturally. Until then I will try to lower DHs stress levels and have lots of cuddles on the sofa.

Thanks for everyones advice and its really nice to know that this is not an unusual situation. I do have a tendancy to be a bit dramatic and blow things out of proportion.