My children are the reason he's leaving, any advice?

[PatienceRequired]

Hi all,
I am unsure whether to post this here or on the step family board but i am a regular lurker here and so feel more at home on this board.

My partner and i have been together for nearly 4 years and we both have two children from previous relationships. His are grown and independant while mine are only 7 and 4 years old. We have one dd together who is 26 months.

He wants to leave due to the fact that he just can not tolerate my two children. We have had issues before with the way he disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction to balance it. But when he tries he can be lovely with them. This is the only sticking point in our relationship.

He says he doesn't want to leave me and dd but just cant bear my 2 anymore. He says if he had somewhere to go he would be gone but he seems to be in such turmoil, like he wants to stay but dosen't want to either. He seems in such a dark place i am worried for his mental health regardless of the outcome for us as a couple. Not helped by the fact that yesterday he found out he may be out of a job in 6 weeks.

We are still "friends" and are talking lots, we don't really do shouting and screaming with venom when we have a problem but a conversation, with calm voices and taking time to consider what is being said. last night he cried which is only the second time i have seen in cry. (the other being at his brothers wedding in feb) To be honest its like he's having a midlife crisis. He assures me its not "us" that is the problem but my 2 children. And he is feeling angrier with them each day as they mean that he can't be with me and dd.

I have suggested that we can't be the only step family to have this issue and there must be some help available but he won't entertain the idea at all. He dosen't have any faith in counselling or alternative therapies at all. Or any compassion for mental health problems. As if you cant see the injury it dosen't exist. I have discussed my concern with him re his mental health but he believes that the kids are the cause of how low he feels, when i question if they are just an easy scapegoat.

As it stands he's looking for somewhere to go but not coming up with any options. In the meantime we are all kinda walking on eggshells, and it has over the years affected my relationship with my kids negatively. I know i can't allow him to treat them badly, but feel like i am in no-win situation. If we stay together then 2 of my children may be affected but if we split then the little dd life will never b the same again. I know all about 2 seperate happy parents are better than 2 miserable together, and she is young enough to adapt, but either way some of them are going to end up f*cked up and thats without taking my wishes into consideration.

I'm not sure what i want from this really, any one got any advice, or similar experiences? how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? Perhaps i just need to vent and have a virtual hand hold... i don't know what to feel really...scared to think about how i feel in case i just fall apart and cant get it back together again for the kids. It just seems such a shame when we as a couple are happy together.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

What do your two dcs do, do you think, that so makes them intolerable for him? Amnd how old are they?

I find it hard to believe that it is really only the two of them that is causing his 'meltdown' as, unless they are physically assaulting him or being incessantly horrid and cruel, there are many ways of trying to mend the situation - if he really wanted to.

I am very cynical I am afraid and am thinking that something else is going on here. x

[Maggie00]

Are they just being children? And yet he is champing at the bit to discipline them, and is full of anger towards two young children!

You can't have a situation where a man who lives with your two children is so angry with them. It's not fair on them.

They are children, and HE can't cope. I couldn't love anybody who hated my children! I'm single though, so you probably think what do I know. I'd rather not have the conflict of interest. If I were with somebody I'd have bailed out the second an issue like this rose its head.

Sorry, but I think you should tell him to leave, not ask him to stay. He's not a good enough man for the job of partner/(step)father.

[AnyFucker]

let him go

he knew what was in store when he got together with you

what a weak man, you don't need another child to support do you ?

so sorry x

[coldtits]

I wouldn't have anyone in my house who resented my children. Full stop. Never mind his dithering about whether or not he can 'cope' with your children, they are little boys, why the hell should they be expected to 'cope' with being unwanted accessories to their sister's parents?

[Buda]

Hang on. You are together for 4 years and your children are 7 and 4? Have you been living together all this time? He is definitely using them as a scapegoat. If he has been living with you since they were so little then presumably he has been involved in their upbringing?

What sort of relationship does he have with his older children? Was he involved in their upbringing?

[coppertop]

Was he angry with your children before your dd came along?

Short-term I think you need to keep him away from the older two. It can't be particularly pleasant for them to live with someone who "disciplines them so harshly and gives them little positive interaction" and who blames them for all of his issues. You say yourself that it's also affecting your own relationship with them.

If your dp is serious about wanting to make a go of things then he needs to get himself some help first rather than conveniently blaming two small children for his problems.

[Maggie00]

Your poor 7 year old and 4 year old. They must be confused. They should be able to horseplay a bit without feeling the full force of an adult's anger. I'm cross with my kids sometimes (they are 4 and 7 too) but they know I love them. Imagine feeling the anger of an adult you knew damn well didn't love you.

You are confused about the course of action to take to avoid 'fucking up' your children. You acknowledge that this man's presence has already negatively impacted on your relationship with your children. You need to act yesterday.

Your children, all three of them will be better off in a relaxed happy household.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Sorry - just re-read OP and see they are 7 and 4.

Ditch him.

Now.

Twat.

If you don't you will be doing them irrevocable damage. If will be an arse to his own dd eventually too.

'When he tries he can be truly lovely to them' ??



Door. Show him it. Shut it behind him.

[OrmRenewed]

I agree with the others. No adult should feel that much venom towards two small children.

[Maggie00]

ps, I just re-read your original post and I see that he uses your children as an excuse for feeling low. There is no way that the mere presence of two healthy happy young children can cause depression. Tiredness, exasperation perhaps, a desire for more privacy! but he can not be serious; blaming them for his feeling low. He is a messed up man.

[maristella]

op is he controlling? the reason i ask is that he cannot control your children, and his rage for them must come from somewhere.
wherever this anger comes from he really has to go. his complete inability to treat your children with kindness and respect is emotionally abusive and damaging.
i personally wouldn't have anybody in my house, not even for a cuppa if they hated my dc. it's my dc's home, a place in which you can be happy with yourself and feel emotionally safe.
also if for any reason you were to keep him, i think the relationship between your children would be seriously damaged by his attitude towards the older 2.
please do the right thing by your children here, and tell the cold bastard to fuck off

[moomaa]

Ok I know nothing about step families so feel free to ignore but I do know one family where the man doesn't really have anything to do with the children that he didn't father, he doesn't give them lifts, doesn't discipline them, doesn't share positive experiences or negative ones, wouldn't discuss school progress etc. There is polite interaction but not a lot more. At first I thought it seemed really weird but they seem happy as a household and rub along with it fairly well. The children have time with their father so there is couple time without them. The children have a very close relationship with their mother. Maybe an option?

[MinnieMalone]

He sounds horribly insecure, weak and selfish. Blaming your problems on a couple of small children? Pathetic.

I would be out of there like a shot.

[PatienceRequired]

Wow so many responses so quick and with unanimous (?Sp)answer!

UA: They just behave the way normal children do. We get woken by them going for a wee at 6am ish, not necessarily by them being loud but by the floorboard squeaking, loo flushing etc. They horseplay as maggie00 puts it. He can get serioulsy annoyed just by one of them eating without closing their mouth etc. They leave toys around etc etc. they are (by my friends definition rather then mine) "good, polite, pleasant kids who anyone should be proud to have in their life."

If by something else you mean an OW i really dont think so, been there before and have a huge radar for it. I would die of shock it that were the case. I think its more the mental health side of things...

maggie00, yes we should have parted the first time this rose its head but i was a lot weaker then emotionally, due to some cr*p in my life just before i met him. in that sense he has helped me so much with regard to my own self-esteem etc. And now he is meeting the monster of his own making IYKWIM. He also says he thought he was a big enough man for the task of step-dad, but he's not and sorry.

coldtits Blunt but accurate, thanks.

buda Yes he has been involved in their upbringing, but has always struggled to tolerate them. His relationship with his older children is good, they are close but the children are definetly not blind to his faults, and they certainly dont respect him as much i would like my children to respect me. he was involved in their upbringing as much as night working would allow. Ie he was with their mum, but i think she did the lions share.

coppertop Yes we had this issue before dd. DD wasn't planned. I agree wholeheartedly with your last line, just don't know if he will ever get to that point and worry about the damage caused in the meantime.

Thanks all, i appreciate the time you've taken. just need a magic wand, crystal ball and in the meantime a lot of strength to gewt through this.

[Tryharder]

The family setup you describe sounds horrible Moomaa. How could any woman stand to be with someone who didn't love or care for her children? We are not talking about sulky, resentful teenage boys here who hate him for not being their father. We are talking about 2 little boys who he has known since they were babies/toddlers. He sounds nasty and very, very selfish. Move on, OP. Please don't be one of those women who puts her partner/boyfriend before her kids and the kids end up being badly treated at best, abused or dead at worst.

[PatienceRequired]

Sorry cross post, you lot type faster than me,
Maristella yes some control issues, a lot of them ironed out by the fact that i stand up for myself more now. Just need to be stronger in standing up for my children.

[ThatVikRinA22]

from the other side of the coin - my stepfather hated me, but now his own child who he had with my mother.(who ended up a heroin addict - must have been a terrific homelife for us both!) he was abusive in the extreme, cruel, callous and it affected me deeply.

i left home at 15. i do not see my mother, and until recently thought she had died, i felt unmoved when i found out she hadnt. i do not want a relationship with her. my SF died a couple of years ago in his early 50's. karma.

id ditch him if you value or love you children.

[PatienceRequired]

Moomaa, are you talking about us, that is pretty much how we have rubbed along up to mow apart from the odd time when i pull him up on how he treats them. Although he does discipline them i wont go into detail but it would certainly get flamed on here. i've known its wrong, just didn't have the strength to leave. i wish he could just be the grown up and like my kids.

[Doha]

Point him in the direction of the door then gently shove him out.

Your kids MUST come first and any man who can't stand his DW's kids is a twat. they are both kids and existed before your relationship started. You and your Dc's came as a package.

He is walking out on his DD you are not the failurehe is

[PatienceRequired]

vicar, so sorry to hear you have lived through similar. i do not want my children to describe their childhood in a similar way. i know what i need to do, just wish it was easy.

[PatienceRequired]

thanks Doha, your last line makes me feel much better. i know all these things intrinsically but sometimes its hard to think straight when emotions are involved.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

PR,

How dare he blame your two boys for his problems!. What a selfish basteward he is, using them as a scapegoat for his problems. He is no stepfather to them is he, he only cares for his own biological child. He by his actions is already messing with them emotionally. These poor boys, not least their sister.

Why he is still in the house is frankly beyond comprehending.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You as a couple are patently not happy together, this is all built on sand.

I would put ALL of your children first and now and give this man the order of the boot. You cannot be seen as their mother to be putting his needs before theirs. They will resent you if you do and will accuse you of putting him before them. There is also the potential of causing future relationship problems between these two boys and their sister who is being favoured over them.

[PatienceRequired]

Apologies now for any typos, i'm trying to keep up with the thread, while keeping the 3 children entertained. In fact i will come beck this evening once they are in bed to give it my full attention. Thanks everyone. Anymore advice much appreiated.

[JustMyTwoPenceWorth]

My advice is to help him pack.

If a man can't accept that if he gets into a relationship with a woman who has children, those children matter, they are part of the package, then he should never get into a relationship with a woman who has children.

You owe it to your 2 older children to not stay with a man who resents their existence - because I bet that's what it is - he can't stand the fact you had a relationship with someone else that produced children. They are daily evidence that you loved someone else.

That's not your problem. If he couldn't stand that, then he should never have settled down with you. But your children deserve more than to know that their stepfather resents them and that you were ok with that (which is the message you give them if you stay with him0

Horrible situation for you, OP, you have my sympathy.