Confused - think I have a work crush but don't actually fancy him!

[stupidmare]

I am very happily married, dh and I love and fancy the pants of each other and he's definitely love of my life.

BUT have been working closely with a bloke whom I find strangely attractive and I really really like him. The 'strangely' comes from the fact that he just doesn't compare to dh physically; this other bloke is more 'sweet' really, but I find him great company and we get on like a house on fire. I'm older than him and have never even considered that he might find me attractive just because I'm over 40 and a bit plobby and there are loads of very sexy younger girls that work with us.

It's more like a meeting of minds really and we very much share the same views about work and we laugh a lot of the time. We've also been told we'll be sharing an office together in a few weeks, which we're pleased about... but why am I feeling ever so slightly uncomfortable about it? I've alwasy had male friends, and dh is very laid-back about it. He knows this bloke, likes him, and we've all socialised together and I think dh knows this other chap is not a threat.

I feel like I've got a new best friend and I'm excited about it. But the fact he's male is making me feel a bit weird.

Am I picking up on vibes from dh maybe? perhaps he is feeling a little bit threatened but hasn't voiced it as doesn;t want to seem churlish? I think I'd be a bit narked if it was the other way round... maybe? Dh has had female friends at work but only one who texted him a lot and wanted to socialise with him. I could see straight away that she fancied dh and he hadn't realised and it scared him off her as he'd thought it was innocent.

Maybe dh thinks my friend fancies me? Don't see why he would though (fancy me).

It's occupying my thought much more than it should, which is why I've posted. Is this normal? I'd never never leave dh and never be unfaithful either.

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

Being with one person who you adore doesn't stop you being aware of the attractions of others. I think that's perfectly natural. Chances are your feelings will settle down again in time, provided you don't allow them to lead you into actions you might regret. Sure, you feel flattered and excited that a younger, cute man may be showing interest, that's fair enough. Just make sure you keep those feelings safely locked up in a box and don't go out drinking with him!!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Okay, the good news here is that the friendship is not secret, your DH has met this guy and you're sufficiently self-aware to be concerned about it.

As the friendship progresses, the warning signs to look out for are if there comes a time when your colleague knows more about your relationship with DH than your DH knows about the relationship with the colleague. That is, if you start sharing intimacies/complaints about your marriage. Or if you stop implying that you are happily married. Or if you start flirting. If any of these things happen, it doesn't mean your marriage is in peril - but it does mean that the friendship has crossed the line and it's time to take action.

As you discovered with your chat about your DH's texting colleague, talking about your concerns with your DH is actually the best way of preventing a safe friendship from crossing the line. Could you have a chat with DH about this?

[lilacclaire]

I used to get like this with people I got on well with all the time (hasn't happened for a while). Its like a kind of infatuation for me, even if I don't find them in the least physically attractive.
Its definetly a meeting of minds when you click with someone and they are like a new best friend.
I don't throw myself into the friendships anymore and keep emotional boundaries there, so although I may admire the person they are I don't get involved in a 'deep' friendship, ie sharing all my problems etc.
I think its because you spend so much time with people that you work with and it is refreshing to find someone you get on so well with that you can rush in all guns blazing.

[stupidmare]

yes, it's not that dh and I aren't intellectually suited because we are and we talk a lot. But it's good to be able to talk at work in a kind of shorthand with this bloke. There are lots of things happening at work that we chat about which would be fairly dull for dh if I didn't give him edited highlights.

I appreciate the comments made so far and it's made ne realise that I do think dh might be slightly threatened, just because he's not stretched at work and he's often said he lacks stimulation there. It must be pretty hard to hear me getting so involved and excited by work at the moment plus hearing this bloke's name as part of it.

But the whole fact that I'm getting conscious of mentioning him too much though makes me think it's not quite "right".

[veryconfusedandupset]

Can I say please don't put too much credence on the fact that you don't find him physically attractive - I had an affair with someone who on all my objective criteria was utterly repulsive, and in the early stages thought that fact guaranteed that I would never take it too far. When I ended up in sounselling at the end of it all my counsellor said that objective decisions just don't come into it and whatever I had told myself I really had fancied him after all. For me the line was crossed when I didn't tell DH about my contact with him and when I began looking for a little bit more social content in our emailings than work justified. I'm not a very virtuous person and my main reason for saying "don't go there" is that even without detection the pain when it ended was considerably more than the pleasure of what happened.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Looking back and to emphasise my point (because you mention your DH is much more attracive)my DH too is a rather lovely physical specimen who spends a lot of time at the gym. OM was very overweight, had tasteless tattoos, psoriasis - which created warty hands and was over fond of wearing too much bling - and he smoked and constantly ate junk food. And I couldn't get enough of him! Strange, but true, so be prepared.

[umma]

Don't get pissed together....something will happen!