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Why do I overlook masses of crap if people are a bit nice sometimes?! Why?!

9 replies

bintofbohemia · 24/03/2010 08:55

I've been awake since 6am and got to mulling over a relationship I have with a "friend". I've known her over 10 years although in recent years we haven't physically seen each other much we're still in contact fairly often. And I'm now wondering - WHY?!

Because actually, she's been quite crap with me over the years. For instance, I got dumped for the first time and I was in bits on the phone to her, and she said something along the lines of "ha, it's about time this happened to you." She also accidentally dropped into conversation that she slept with one of my exes. I wasn't bothered particularly, and there's no law against it, but it was the way she sort of said it, then stopped and said "ooooops" - it was just all a bit contrived and crap. I had a big break up with an ex once and she totally took his side and put all the blame on me, despite the fact that she'd trashed him the whole time we were together. She's often put me down or patronised me, made snide remarks about my weight once and even stood behind me once whilst I was cooking criticising what I was doing.

So why the hell have I/do I put up with it? I've only just realised (because recently she's gone a bit odd, has become very moody and difficult to be around and is very strange and rude to people if she thinks they are beneath her, or not "spiritual" enough to bother talking to) that actually the bad really does outweigh the good and she seems to have lost any sense of humour about life and is now just a bit superior. She can be really nice, and helpful, and thoughtful, but I just don't think it's worth me spending the time feeling a bit needled whenever we're in contact.

All that said I still struggle with the thought of cutting her right out, because we go back so long and she can be alright sometimes. It's the same with my parents, they generally have been unfair and awful to me but when they do "nice" things it throws me off balance and confuses me.

Am I really naive or just stupid, or what?! I've just realised that I put up with crap in a masochistic way sometimes and there must be a reason for it...

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Owls · 24/03/2010 11:32

Maybe the friendship has just run its course? Doesn't mean you are naive/stupid whatever, just the way life pans out sometimes. Out of interest, why has she gone odd, have you asked what the problem is?

Plus, if you don't see her that much then she's not really impeding on your life is she? Think you might be overthinking here.

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bintofbohemia · 24/03/2010 12:08

I think it's definitely run it's course, but I think it may have done that a long time ago and I didn't quite put 2 and 2 together. She's been like this with me for most of the last 10 years.

I think it's just because I spoke to her the other day and we were talking about meeting up soon, but the conversation was so difficult, and she was so snotty, that I started wondering why I persist? I'm really not sure what the problem with her is at the moment, she seems to have packed everything in and is doing a lot of exploring herself and dealing with issues. I'm not sure she's quite aware what half of them are and you can't really question her because she's not really that approachable about it.

You're right though, I am no doubt overthinking it. It's just that now I've decided to discontinue it I'm struggling with it a bit - we have friends in common, and it's not like we've had a massive barny so am not really sure how to handle it when she does contact me, IYSWIM. I feel like am doing something wrong because I don't want to continue with it. That sounds ridiculous doesn't it, I think am just babbling now...

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bintofbohemia · 24/03/2010 14:39

Or, would other people just carry on putting up with it and taking the rough with the smooth? Rather than end a friendship...

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puffling · 24/03/2010 14:48

You don't need to end it, just take it for what it is and put investment into other more happy friendships.

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Condensedmilkaddict · 24/03/2010 14:51

Friendships come and go...
If you feel like it is draining you I would simply become less available. Stop calling her. Be polite if she calls you but less eager to catch up...
It doesn't need to be a big argument, or an official 'end', just a progression.
If talking to her upsets you and you don't feel as though she 'has your back' I would just allow the friendship to fizzle out naturally.
That way there is no awkwardness if you should bump into her at a mutual friends.

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bintofbohemia · 24/03/2010 15:29

Thank you - good advice. Bloody Facebook complicates things, I suppose I could just ignore her without deleting her (It's ridiculous, am in my 30's, I shouldn't be agonising about "unfriending" people on FB!) but I think it would be more diplomatic to just stop putting any input in.

Is it very common to have friends that seem to want to put you down but still pursue a relationship with you? I don't think I've ever been in this situation with anyone before.

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Karmann · 24/03/2010 19:22

I think she probably has deep rooted insecurity/low self esteem issues and makes herself feel better by being unkind to people. It's not your fault.

Don't delete her from Facebook (yes, bloody facebook, causes more problems than it's worth) just interact less. Concentrate on the nicer people in your life.

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TheGeneGenie · 24/03/2010 23:11

Friendships come and go. Some are worth keeping, some are not. What would you say to someone who was treated in the same way that you had been treated and they told you how they felt about it. What would you tell them to do?

Therein lies your answer. Of course, the logical answer is the easy bit, it's the emotive bit that isn't. Cut her out and ditch the friendship ....

Well that's not easy when you 'care', when you are a 'friend' etc. But it really comes down to this. Do you really want to be around someone who affects your self confidence, lowers your self esteem and causes you to lie awake at 6am, worrying over why she behaves the way she does?

Your life, your call and you have to decide if the short term heartache of the death of a long term friendship is worth the long term benefit of not being in a negative friendhip.

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bintofbohemia · 25/03/2010 10:57

Thank you. I find it really difficult, but I think giving people the benefit of the doubt can often be a pretty stupid trait, actually. Well, I'm de-cluttering my house this weekend and I might extend that out into life in general. You're right Genie - if it was happening to someone else it would be a no brainer. I dunno why it's taken me so long to get my head around it!