I wasn't sure whether I should ask this in aibu, dadsnet, here or if at all...but I chose here because I think its a more complicated relationship issue overall and would hope to get a lot more responses here...
I'm trying to gage opinions and advice really. I've had a little trawl through some threads but have not come across any situations similar to mine where the man feels victimised..
a bit of background, been with DP for nearly 5 yrs, we have 11month old beautiful twins who I adore and we've been living together for about a year and a half. As usual in the beginning things between us were peachy, we spent a lot of time together, laughed and joke all the time, I felt we had a lot of common ground and shared similar interest etc
fast forward about 3 years, cracks started to appear in our relationship. One of the many issues was trust I reckon. I consider myself to be very sociable and have a largish group of close mates, when I met DP she also had a fair amount of friends too and appeared to be quite sociable, but sooner became more recluse and distant with her friends. I always believed this was potentially going to be a problem, but at the time she seemed to be comfortable with her choice and as such viewed me as her best friend, I on the other hand remained in close contact with my friends.
When it came to going out with mates, I noticed DP would become very irritated to the point of getting into a right mood whenever I was making meeting up arrangements, she once said she resented the fact of me going out, but I've never been able to get to the bottom of her resentment other than thinking it was maybe jealousy. Now, I 'd like to point out, I'm not like a lot of men who spend most evenings down the local boozer, or have an active interest in sports e.g football, rugby. I do however workout at the gym, no more than 3x a week mind (not so much in recent times due to baby care). Anyway I would probably meet up with friends roughly twice a month, cut down from maybe once a week, this to me was a big compromise as I missed the regular catch up with friends.
A lot of the issues we had, our way of tackling them was to brush them under the carpet! I know I know not a good way of dealing with things...and we soon realised this, as after a very short break up due to the rising hump in the carpet... we agreed to seek a counsellor.
At this time, DP was heavily pregnant, so a very critical and worrying time to be going through with all this...but if there was any hope in saving our relationship we needed this help quickly.
The sessions brought about some serious concerns, such as lost sex drive (me), general resentment (her) and lack of respect (both) It was very hard coming to terms with the truth. But the good thing about it was that it gave us a chance to air out our differences with one and other without locking horns, as we both have strong opinions, which only lets up with someone giving in...which I believe was usually me...no doubt DP would disagree but ultimately we both wanted to try and save the relationship. Unfortunately the sessions with the counsellor were brought to a premature stop due to DP pregnant condition, so we never really had any real closure, other than to go away with a couple of useful tips.
So four years in to the relationship, the tension is creeping back in, as we're finding it more and more difficult to get along. For the life of me I don't know why things have turned out like this, as sometimes we are fine and then next minute we can't stand the sight of each other. It was just only last month we had a lovely short break to Italy. DP is now off maternity leave and gone back to work and DC go to grandparents in the day. Like I said we have been living together for about 18 months and are renting a smallish one bed flat, before that we were both renting separately. Having DC had uplift the mood greatly but generally I find being a parent of two young babies extremely difficult and sometimes tiring, although now that they're a little older, things have gotten easier. I am not perfect but I like to think I'm doing the best I can as a father in providing for my family and I know I do a damn sight more for my DC than some other dads around I know. I'm working F/T in a pretty secured job that's paying me enough to get by and make contributions to shopping, rent and bills but its not the ideal situation I would like us to be in and would love like anybody else to have more disposable income. I use to squander money but with the help and advice from DP who's more stringent with cash I've since wised up and gotten serious about the future. e.g saving for a mortgage, saving for the childrens well being and general all round happiness such as nice holidays etc
But heres the glumness, I feel me and DP are not on the same page anymore. Not only that but I also find her a tad controlling, likes to order me about and does not give me enough credit and support for the effort I put in. I give her credit as a mother but I don't think we are equal parents when it comes to raising the kids...its normally she's right and I'm wrong, and any input of mine is usually turned down in a very condescending way, so often that it leaves me feeling like this useless person hanging around being ignored. But then if you asked her what she thought of me as a father, she would most likely say I cope very well at being a father, however I think that translates to; I cope very well at taking orders from her and as long as I continue to, we shouldn't encounter any problems!
I'm struggling to live like this and it's really making me feel dejected and unhappy I also don't want to make DP unhappy. It's the DC I'm most concerned about, due to the crap atmosphere I don't want them to feel the negative impact so much so that I often close myself away in opposite rooms away from DP just to prevent us winding each other up over petty things, and remember I said its a very small flat IYSWIM. DP just seems to have a constant chip on her shoulder. I also fear that should we were to part she would be a right b about things, judging from her personality... there is a prominent side to her that comes across as very stern, she most definitely has a sting in her tail! although jokingly she's mentioned before, if we were to split I wouldn't have a problem seeing the kids ...I'm not so sure I believe her. albeit she'd makes things a little difficult (I hope I'm wrong).
But wait there's more!... and here is where it gets even more complex, we've been very silly and irresponsible, as just found out yesterday there is a possible third child on the way! I don't know what to think anymore... but really don't think I/we could cope mentally, financially or physically with another baby right now, especially when the relationship is on the verge of collapse, but DP is indicating otherwise....and of course I understand it's up to her to decide. But just the thought of having had 2 kids with a woman I'm no longer with anymore is very unsettling, let alone three!. Life is like pooey nappies right now!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Is separation from DP the only answer?
TeddyRuckspin · 22/03/2010 12:59
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