Inappropriate Messages on Facebook

[facebookspouse]

Long one sorry, but I am in a mess and my counsellor is on holidays and I feel like I will go crazy if I can't vent it out.

We live and work overseas in a country and culture that is the opposite in every way of our own. It has been a very stressful time for the past 3 years due to my husband's employer not paying him for months on end and accomodating us in basically a cement box where I got gawked at and approached as soon as I stepped outside.

The stress of all this meant that I went back to our own country for 4 months last year, which was sort of a separation as well. I decided to give it another crack and returned here in July to my job and better accomodation arranged by my employer.

A few months before I left here, my husband started using Facebook and made friends with his exes including one ex Fiancee from about 18 years ago. I used to check his messages as I had his password and even then he was way too intimate with this particular ex. She is divorced with 2 kids and lives in our home country. I know from messages that he was arranging to have dinner with her (and the messages read like it was a planned shag, not just dinner) when he came back to see me whilst I was back there. He lied about this and said he was meeting an old male school friend. For various reasons (ie me deleting the messages that had her phone number) he didn't end up going to this dinner.

Then when I was back here last December I logged on and saw that he was having the instant chat with her and basically it started as reminiscing about all the rooms they'd shagged in and then progressed to cyber sex. This was while I was pregnant and hadn't stopped vomiting for 10 weeks. Anyway I had a meltdown but he didn't know what it was about and I have been seeing a counsellor to deal with these disloyalty issues of his.

All has been great since about January, he has actually been positive and happy as he has changed jobs and on Friday he said the nicest thing he has ever said to me.On Saturday, I opened up the computer and his facebook was still open - there is a return message from her, all chatty and saying that sorry she missed him on line and to just message her and she will be online for him whatever, wherever, no matter what and signing off, 'Take Care Gorgeus xxxxx'.

Whilst I was in my home country he took a preplanned holiday in June, with other friends that I would have gone on if I was here, I know that he shagged a friend of the friends who was also on holiday. He totally denies this even though there are messages on his phone which cannot be misintrepreted. I was able to justify this and work past it as it was whilst we were separated physically and he was still in a mess emotionally. However, he refused to cut contact with her (she lives in an Asian country) and she would put stuff on his Facebook wall which was evident that they were also private emailing as she knew things about our life that wasn't on Facebook. Now she has 'blocked' me on her Facebook!!! which grates like hell.

Yesterday after reading the exFiancee message I just couldn't contain it and started crying, he asked 'what have I done, what have you found?', I said that I was just exhausted and emotional and felt rotten about myself because I am 28 weeks pregnant and look like an elephant has invaded my body. He came in to ask what the matter was whilst I was sobbing in the shower and I asked him to leave the bathroom. He later said that that was the first time he has tried to console me and I pushed him away, so no wonder he never shows any concern when I am sick or upset.

I apologised and now he is furious with me for breaking down and won't talk to me and will not accept my apologies. I didn't sleep at all last night and am just exhausted physically and mentally and still holding down a job.

What do I do? Am I reading too much into the message? I want to ring or email her and tell to just back off, but it's not her, it's him. But I was the sneaky one who read the message in his private Facebook. Do I tell him what I saw and give him an ultimatum? But he just believes his own lies. Do I just think that because of distance that it can't get physical, so just shut down and let him go on with his games. It is just very hard to be pregnant in a foreign country and dealing with this, I don't know what to do.

Sorry this has been so long. It just pisses me off that these women would not stand a day in this country and yet he has never turned around and acknowledged what I endure here.

We have been married for 10 years and together for 12. This pregnancy will be the first kid.

Thanks for listening/reading.

[Curiousmama]

I'm so sorry to hear of the abuse you're going through Can't be easy and especially so with you being pg.

I think you know in your heart the answers to your questions? Do you have any RL friends in that country or that you can ring? You sound very lonely.

Facebook is a very dangerous place, it's starting so much flirting, rekindling of romances ect. I don't want to speculate on your marriage as I don't know you both but it sounds like you are being controlled and as you know he's already cheated it's really up to you if you put up with it. No one can tell you to leave. Plus is it practical for you to leave him right now, do you have somewhere to go? You need to make a plan if you are planning on leaving. If you can't communicate with him then it's difficult to make this work. Will he discuss things? If someone lies so much can you ever trust him?

It's good you're seeing a counsellor, when are they back? I hope you get lots of support on here but remember most of us aren't professionals, just human, and we can give our love and support but you need to realise we're not trained.

I hope you get some comfort on her though you do sound very low

[probonbon]

I have read and feel very angry with him. When I got to the bit where you apologised I was awfully cross.

I hope someone comes along with good relationship advice because it's ain't me I'm afraid.

You need to confront him. Somehow. Can you say: I believe something is going on and I would like to see your fb pages and your phone right now?

Is that a stupid idea?

Or would it be better to say, I want to go out to dinner with you and have a long talk about our relationship. Say you will listen but you need to talk too, without being interrupted. Then tell him the pregnancy has made your suspicions more important, and you need them to be refuted.

You know what, I have no idea, but you are in an awful position. If I were you I'd go home. But that's not advice and would probably be the wrong thing to do.

[JollyPirate]

You poor woman. Reading your post rang an awful lot of bells with me as my ex-husband was doing similar things while we were together and while I was caring for our young son.

You know that this man is not treating you well don't you? What - apart from the pregnancy) is keeping you with him?

He has had an affair (or at least a one night stand), he continues to talk to old girlfriends online despite knowing this upsets you. he shows virtually no consideration for you at all.

One of the saddest parts of your post was this....

"He later said that that was the first time he has tried to console me and I pushed him away, so no wonder he never shows any concern when I am sick or upset".

To me that is just plain abusive in a psychological and emotional way. You are in a foreign country and isolated - he knows this.

Can you go to your home country for a break? It sounds like you need rest and space to think.

[probonbon]

"He later said that that was the first time he has tried to console me and I pushed him away, so no wonder he never shows any concern when I am sick or upset".

To me that is just plain abusive in a psychological and emotional way. You are in a foreign country and isolated - he knows this.

I agree with JollyPirate. That's a bastard thing to say and do -- and then to be furious despite an apology? Bastard thing to do.

[flabbymummyof2climbingboys]

you sound extremely unhappy at the moment. I think you would be able to do a better job of providing a happy and stable home for your LO on your own.

you need to admit to him you have looked on his facebook and leave him for your own sanity. I would confront him but not beleive any of the lies he will come out with to cover it. I also wouldn't let him make you feel guilty for looking on facebook or his texts - it turns out that breaching his privacy was justifiable. For example, you now know it would be advisable to get tested for std's. You will never be able to change him.

good luck with the pregnancy and birth.

[facebookspouse]

Thank you for your replies. Unfortunately my closest friend over here who knows the background is on holiday in our home country and I do feel very isolated.
He believes his own lies, and I just can't open the subject as even when I remain calm and just want an honest and open conversation he will twist and turn it so that I have shagged everyone from my boss down.
He has his first appoitment with the same counsellor in 2 weeks, I will just try to get through until then.
Ihave told him before, it is the disloyalty that gets to me more than anything. And that I am being made a fool.
I think I will confront him about what I saw, even though I am ashamed that I looked at the private message and that is what will get focussed on.
I apologised because I needed some sleep and thought that it would calm things down, but now I am kicking myself for it.
Thanks again for your kind and insightful replies.

[JollyPirate]

"even when I remain calm and just want an honest and open conversation he will twist and turn it so that I have shagged everyone from my boss down".

Re-read that facebookspouse. Does this sound like a man who is capable of supporting you emotionally, psychologically and physically through pregnancy, birth and parenthood?

I am glad he is seeing a counsellor as he needs it. I am glad you are seeing a counseller as you need it to deal with HIM and his behaviour towards you. Is your counsellor supportive to you?

[flabbymummyof2climbingboys]

if you are staying with him i'm really not sure you should admit to him you have checked his facebook - he sounds like he is the type of person to use that as soemthing to 'punish' you for/with in the long term

[skidoodly]

Go home.

[facebookspouse]

My counsellor is very supportive and has reinforced the fact that my snooping is justified and that I am a pretty strong person for getting this far. At least I feel that I am not paranoid and needy.
Well, my husband certainly hasn't supported me through pregnancy and my morning sickness and I am really angry that I have had to deal with this crap whilst I should be happy about the future.
I just wonder if I am making too big a fuss out of communications that are only and can only be communication and not physical due to the distance factor? Is that worth splitting up over?
The coldness and lack of support are not new and I have learnt to deal with these factors.
I had an STD check before conceiving after I realised he had actaully shagged someone else. But thank you for the advice.

[templemaiden]

" Is that worth splitting up over?"

Everything you have put in your post is worth splitting up over.

The thought of bringing up a baby on your own is scary, but it is doable - I have done it!!

There is a lot of financial help available.

Go home. Stay with your parents or a friend, then go to the JobCentre and ask to see a Lone Parent advisor. They will tell you exactly what financial help you can get.

Then see a solicitor and divorce the bastard.

[ILoveGregoryHouse]

Do you want this sort of person within a million miles of your child?

You are not making a big fuss. He has betrayed you emotionally and physically and he probably always will.

Is it feasible to go home even if it's temporarily to have the baby and then see if you can work on things with your H? What support do you have at home? You'll need it and doesn't sound like you'll get it from him any time soon. I too am abroad and pg but have a wonderful DH, it couldn't be done otherwise, just too hard.

You should be happy about the future but you may have to make your own.

I hope it works out for you.

[MmeLindt]

Get out. Go home.

This is not about Facebook flirting.

He is cheating on you left right and centre.

He is verbally abusive and controlling.

Why are you still with him? He must have some good points but I am damned if I can see them amongst all the shagging other women (and that would be a deal breaker for me).

He is never going to be the man that you deserve.

[junglist1]

He's shagging around, asks you what's wrong and you say you're tired, then you apologise to him? Wow.

[geordieminx]

How many chances are you going to give him?

How many times is he allowed to cheat on his pregant wife?

If its bad now it will be 100 times worse once the baby is here.

You need to confront him, try and remain calm, he isnt worth the upset to you are your baby.

See what he says, give him an ultimatum - affairs or you and the baby.

If he doesnt come up with the goods please go home back to your family.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

Leave him, why would you want to bring a child into this relatsionship and atmosphere I have no idea.

[teaandcakeplease]

I'm sorry but you need to tell him the truth on everything you've found out. It needs to come into the light. So you can either get some marriage counseling at the very least to see if you guys can salvage your marriage, or so you can decide whether to end it and move back to UK and friends for support with baby on the way.

Read this book my lovely. It's very good. My husband had an affair recently, we're separated and I have two very young children this book has shown me how to put in place boundaries etc. It's been a life saver.

There's some good support threads on here for people like us too, so join one.

[facebookspouse]

OK, thanks for all your advices, I just needed some input to reinforce that I am not a paranoid freak.

Thank you and I am weighing up my choices, it is actually better for me to stay here and continue in my work here, he can move out.

[facebookspouse]

TeaandCake, thanks, I think you are right otherwise it is all too murky.
Thanks for book advice, I will order it.
I hope you are OK.

[probonbon]

The distance thing counts.

[facebookspouse]

probonbon, what do you mean?

[probonbon]

You said, does it really matter because it's over a distance and nothing can happen, due to them being so far apart.

I just wanted to say -- it counts. It counts.

[SouthMum]

Tell him you know just so you can see him squirm a bit, then make arrangements to leave. He wont change and it will get worse. Trust me.

You are most defintely NOT being paranoid.

[Aussieng]

He has "disloyalty issues"> I'll say!

You are not a paranoid freak. He is behaving and treating you apallingly. I hope you get out.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This should be a special time for you (even with morning sickness)!

[mrsboogie]

Get out. Go home.

He is cheating, abusive and your relationship is emotionally bankrupt.

Why are you still with him?

You have to get out.