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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help me put this into perspective please

18 replies

MostActive · 20/03/2010 09:26

Been with dp about a year, we don't live together. See each other once in week then usually Fri-Monday am. He has his own business and is very, very busy. During the week I text to say hope you are ok, work ok type stuff, it took him nearly 10 hours to reply, yesterday I waited 4 hours for a reply as to wether I was seeing him last night. Overheard a conversation saying he was doing something this weekend (not told me about it and didn't tell me about it) this morning he mentioned he was going off to xyz (miles away, meaning overnight stay).

He is a lovely man, very affectionate and caring, sex problems due to ED though.

Not sure what I'm expecting in the way of replies, just wanted to get it down iyswim.

OP posts:

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feelingforty · 20/03/2010 10:39

he sounds like an exboyfriend of mine. When I told similar scenario to psychatrist, she replied, you weren't important to him.

If you only see him at the weekend, have you thought that he might be married ?

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear...but i would get out..I'm sure you deserve better..

MostActive · 20/03/2010 11:01

Definitely not married, have met his friends, family etc. He has stuff on during the week, as I do. Was thinking that perhaps he was just being a bit thoughtless but the psychiatrist take on it is really making me feel .

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feelingforty · 20/03/2010 12:03

sorry, I do feel your pain...but think about what you've written - he's lovely & caring in one paragraph & then in the next he's making plans for the weekend, the only time he sees you, to do something else & hasn't even had the decency to tell you.

I cried my eyes out when the shrink told me that..even now, over 2 years later, it makes me feel a bit queasy. But I wish someone had said it to me at the time. (I threw a drink over him instead, in hurt anger)

FabIsFallingApart · 20/03/2010 12:05

What is it you are wanting advice on?

MostActive · 20/03/2010 12:12

Thanks feelingforty, just feel very right now.

Fab - guess the question is, is he using me?To be honest have been feeling bit like his weekend squeeze for a while now. I did actually say this to him and he seemed quite upset. He has been on his own for a few years now so am wondering if he is just a bit selfish/insensitive, oh I don't know.

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FabIsFallingApart · 20/03/2010 12:19

Has the relationship moved on at all since you met or has it always been a weekend only thing?

MostActive · 20/03/2010 12:29

kind of evolved into this pattern, have to say it does mainly suit both of us. Am just that he was so casual about it this morning, off to xyz later, meaning I'm off overnight, out tomorrow during the day and will probably text to say I'm coming to stay at yours Sun night. He knows I have very little social life so can't text that I'm out tomorrow which is of couse what I want to do.

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FabIsFallingApart · 20/03/2010 12:36

Get yourself a social life. You shouldn't rely on him for fun.

MostActive · 20/03/2010 12:39

oh I totally agree Fab. Probably just realising that I do wait around too much for him if that makes sense.

So my new dilema will be how to meet new people but that could be a whole new thread. Thank you for your input Fab.

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feelingforty · 20/03/2010 12:39

well he sounds like he has you exactly where he wants you (cross emoticon)

You need to get other stuff going on - next week, reject him at the last minute, I bet he won't like that!

MostActive · 20/03/2010 12:42

feelingforty, you could be right which is even worse as he knows all about my ex and how badly he treated me. Think my plan will be to not be available text or otherwise for a bit and then when we do eventually meet up have it out with him. Imagine that this is the end but think we will remain friends, he is nice man but perhaps not partner material for me.

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thesunshinesbrightly · 20/03/2010 12:45

I agree with feelingforty

MostActive · 20/03/2010 12:47

oh here's a thought - he has gone away for the weekend (know where he is ect, no OW) but he is selling something we were planning on using in the summer, so perhaps he is trying to dump me without telling me direct hmmmm.

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MrIC · 20/03/2010 13:42

when I'm busy I often forget to reply to texts for hours... or at all. Yes maybe that's thoughtlessness, but if my mind is occupied elsewhere or if the text arrives at an inopportune time (in a meeting, while I'm on a call) I think to myself "I'll reply to that later" and often forget.

So I'm saying don't read too much into delayed reaction to texts.

However not telling you he's going to be away for a whole weekend until the last minute is another story... but, you know, if you aren't living together does he realise you expect to spend every weekend with him?

ItsGraceAgain · 20/03/2010 13:44

Stop that now!!! You're trying to read his mind when you need to be reading your own!

From the fact that you've posted this thread, I'm guessing your real question is: "Is this relationship giving me what I want?" - and that the answer is No. Most likely it did, for a while, when you both wanted a friendly once-a-week sleeping partner. Now it doesn't, because you want to be more of a couple, where he hasn't said he wants any changes.

Basically, you could keep on with the once-a-week thing while you test drive a few other candidates. Tell him first, though.

Good luck!

MostActive · 20/03/2010 13:49

Spending the weekend together is a pattern we have drifted into as I said previously, it is not expected. I have no problems at all with him doing whatever he wants at weekends, however I do expect to be told earlier than the morning of his departure. Thank you for your input on the texting btw.

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MostActive · 20/03/2010 13:54

Thanks for that Grace. I don't necessarily want coupledom am happy with the way things are, and not waste money on extra food etc when I thought he would be around as usual and not to be treated like a doormat.

Like your suggestion btw .

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ChangesAhead · 20/03/2010 17:56

I agree with most of Grace's comments, it sounds you want more, so don't compromise on that. Do you love him? Is he someone who want to carry on seeing long term?, and does the current arrangement suit you or have you started to feel frustrated? It sounds like it to me.
Rather than thinking about what he wants or is even thinking, think about what you want.
I'm not entirely sure about dating other men while you seem him though, I think a break in between relationships is a good idea as it helps you put things into perspective before you enter a new relationship.

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