DP leaving, then not leaving - how to take back control?

[Lilia87]

Hello

My DP and I have been having pretty major problems for over a year. We have been together for 4 years, 1 child from my prev relationship, 1 child from this one (6 months).

I have felt him progressively pulling away from me for over a year. Less cuddles, won't talk, seems unhappy etc.

He has been behaving pretty badly towards me - little respect, talks down to me at times, hurts my feelings.Sometimes says sorry, sometimes doesn't. I have retalitated too, and I have been unreasonable at times too. The arguments have been almost daily and very wearing, so I see where he was coming from 2 days ago when he said he wants to leave. Tells me he loves me but he can't stand my 'judging' behaviour and the arguments any longer, doesn't think he can live with 'any woman'. I begged him to stay (shouldn't have) and he did but not happy about it. Yesterday I came to my senses and spoke to him about it, said if he's sure he wants to end things then just to go and that i was sorry for begging him to stay etc.
He said he's not sure, he loves me and wants to try and is looking for a sign of what to do (stay or go). But he is soooo moody and passive-aggressive. It's like he's looking for reasons to go. Last night DD was talking about her granny who died and I told her about heaven etc, thinking it would make her feel better. Later on when LO's were in bed, he told me I should have told her theres no such thing as death, just transition, and I should have told her that instead and I was a 'fool' for thinking otherwise . (me judgmental?) then started deliberately saying horrible vile things about the ladies giving birth on that 'one born every minute' programme. It was HIM who started these arguments with what he said both times, but then said "Sorry, but doesn't it show you how little we get on?"

arrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!

This morning I told him I knew he was just deliberately looking for reasons to push us apart and he said "maybe subconciously Iam, maybe thats whats best" and that "every time I look at your face i just get annoyed", hugged me and said he is sorry for upstting me and left.

I'm going out with family tonight and we'd agreed it may be better if he stayed at his mums since he lost his keys so only I will have keys and need them during the day, but he texted to ask me to text him when i'm on the way back and he will be back. wtf? why does he even want to be here if he hates me so much?
I can't take any more of this....
He says he can't be bothered with the mind games anymore (yet he is the one playing mind games)

How do I take back control? I'm so angry I want to throw him out, but if I do theres a chance this could just be a really bad patch and I threw it away (he never used to be at all like this) . Iam willing to leave him for my own sanity if this continues, but not willing to leave just yet.
How do I play this? Do i ignore him, stop asking him what he feels and blaming him for not loving me etc and just get on with my life with him around (as long as he's not being abusive, which i can recognise) or do I throw him out? . I was thinking I should tell him I can't deal with the agro anymore, and set a time limit to myself for things to change and just be friendly and agreeable no matter what until then, and if things haven't changed, he hasn't follwed my lead and he hasn't shown any signs of change and love for me (big signs, not just making me a cup of tea) then leave?

Sorry for the length of this post, I'm just so f*ed up in the head just now with this..

[SheWillBeLoved]

He sounds absolutely vile to be honest. Your face annoys him? Then he hugs you? I'd be telling him to make staying at his mums a permanent thing.

[Lilia87]

I think he is vile right now too. I want him to leave right now too, but as he was fine for years I don't want to throw it away if things between us can be fixed.

[prettywhiteguitar]

Do you think there might be something else going on ? Like another woman ?

[Lilia87]

I know it sounds a lot like that, doesn't it? But I don't think he's the type. Leaves his phone on and around all the time, he has got a lock on his computer though, but then so have I and that doesn't mean i'm cheating, just means i don't want him to see what I've written on forums like this. lol.

He always said he would leave me first if he ever felt like that and I agreed the same.

If you'd have asked me this a year ago I'd have said "No way, not him" but I just don't know what to think anymore.

[minxofmancunia]

Oh Lilia I really feel for you, me and my dh have been going through a shit patch recently. I'm not going to tell you just to jumo in and leave him/throw him out though, as you sound that there might be a grain of hope about this situation.

His behaviour is vile true enough, but he does sound confused. do you still love him? Do you think hestill loves you?

me and dh have been having daily arguments which culminated in the wosrt mothers day on record! We had both been unreasonbale although him moreso, more cruel I suppose. It's healthy I think that you can regognise that both of you are at fault as both can make chnages. the changes you make though shouldn't be in the form of appeasing him all the time for a quite life. You'll just end up downtrodden and he'll feel he has a licence to treat you like shit.

I think stating your case clearly is a good idea, saying what it is you find unacceptable about his behaviour and what you'd like to chnage in BOTh of your behaviours if there's to be a way forward. And put bondaries and time limits on this.

After nearly losing my mind on Mothers Day I had a discussion with my dh on the Monday and made it clear I would be leaving him if certain things didn't change. We've both agreed to certain things, such as allowing the other one to speak and not interrupting (both), not name calling (him), not going on and on about the same issue (usually domestic) once it's been addressed (me) and not using threats and ultimatums to try and control (him). We've also both agreed not to shout.

The thing about making comments on the one born every minute programme is the sort of thing my h would do. Bloody winds me up, like he's niggling for an argument. Stuff like that is best ignored!

You could also try counselling if he's agreeable to it.

FWIW I'm in the same predicament my once kind, generous and funny dh seems to be angry, thoughtless and resentful alot of thetime these days and it's tough going. It doesn't sound like he's vile through and through though, just that his behaviour is vile at the moment.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[ItsGraceAgain]

He is playing mind games. You say you can recognise abuse, but it seems to be escalating right under your nose

Taken singly, each incident looks like a bad day or a bad patch or a wtf? moment ... Add them together, and you're looking at emotional abuse. Do you know what gaslighting is? He's keeping you on the back foot all the time.

Sorry if that sounds a bit drastic. I suspect it's what you've been needing to hear.

[Lilia87]

Thanks Minx,

I do still love him and I think he still loves me. He said last night he doesn't trust me not to hurt him and doesn't trust us not to have any more arguments which he can't deal with.
I feel the exact same way - I can't trust him not to leave, and I can't trust him with my feelings at all because he can be so nasty towards me. Like him, i'm torn between leaving as i don't think he'll change, or staying and trying to make things work. He says the same.

Like your OH, mine is also more cruel in arguments and i can't take that. I know what you mean, I don't want to just appease him as he will think all his Christmasses have come at once because i'm not challenging him and that it's ok to treat me like that.

I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry you had a bad mmother's day - so did I, and Christmas and New Year and his bday!

It's making us both depressed. I asked him about counselling he said "over my dead body" and that was that. .

I have told him to leave and asked him back, had a go at him for nothing etc too so I know I'm wrong too, although I'm nowhere near as nasty.

We both need things to change in the other person but seems like he has given up (now just waiting for an excuse to leave) AND I'm the only one trying.

Thank You for your comment, it's a releif I'm not the only one going through this.

[Lilia87]

Hi Grace, thank you .

I meant that I know it's abuse, and that I will not put up with it anymore, even if we are trying to sort things out.
I will not rise to it, but I will not put up with it, I can't , I have for so long. .

No, I don't know what gaslighting is. Could you explain please?

[ItsGraceAgain]

www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/06/emotional-abuse-or-gaslighting

"A Gaslighting abuser often accuses his partner of having done something wrong (to justify his actions or to give misleading ideas as to why he treated her a certain way when she questioned him). Healthy partners do not want to see their spouse feeling bad or hurt, and instead desires to comfort or heal their pain."

www.outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalBlackmail.html

"In a nutshell, emotional blackmail takes the form 'if you don't do what I want then I will make you hurt'."

OutOfTheFog has many excellent pages on psychological manipulation.

[Lilia87]

Wow. yes thats exactly what he does. Admittedly i think i have done similar.

He does not listen. Ever. even if i approach the topic with kindness etc. he will shout at me for not 'letting' him get on with things ie-tv by trying to speak to me, turns tv or radio up to drown me out, says if i talk about it anymore he will walk out .

He accuses me of being judgmental if i dare to bring up something that bothers me.

He accuses me of playing mind-games with him. maybe i do sometimes, but only out of sheer frustration at being ignored and belittled.

I'm not even allowed to phone him during the day, or he screams at me and tells me to 'stop incessantly phoning me' or similar



He acts like he doesn't want me, but will accuse me of being 'overdramatic' or having 'crocodile tears' or being a 'judas' if i'm upset.

Then reels me back in again when i've had enough.

[AnyFucker]

well, you could always break the cycle

decide you have had enough of the drama

tbh, it sounds like you both feed off it

not a healthy relationship...but clearly you are both getting something out of it if you are still together

I would recommend you have a really good think about what you want, possibly with the help of some individual counselling

if he cannot give it to you...or you see no way to break this destructive battle you appear to be in, then it is only a matter of time before you split anyway

the only trouble is, while you continue to play out your dramas, you are setting your dc a very bad example of what a loving relationship should be like

good luck, I hope you work it out

[Lilia87]

AnyFucker No, I do not feed off it at all. Get angry about it yes, but this is NOT how I enjoy living at all, and I hate the DCs being part of this even if they don't witness it directly most times, they must still be affected by the atmosphere.

I cannot see us going on like this much longer. I put on a hard capable front (i know he's abusive, i will leave), but inside i feel so scared to be on my own (don't really have much of a family myself or support). I think he knows this and plays on it.

argh.

Maybe the individual counselling would be a good thing, if i could afford it.

[AnyFucker]

Tell him to leave, then

He will have to support the dc's

What about housing...do you have a mortgage or rent ? Whose name ?

Speak to the CAB or look at entitled.to.com
to see what extra financial support you would be in for

it might be easier than you think

you don't have to put up with this, if it making you unhappy

lots of women leave bad relationships...why not you ?

[AnyFucker]

my posts are coming across as unsympathetic, I apologise

you seem like a straightforward, strong person, I was responding to that, my straight talking may be inappropriate, however

I am sympathetic, of course

it sounds like shit...but you can break the cycle, it is possible

[Scorps]

My exH did this to me - the I'm leaving/not leaving thing. My thread is on here, under this user name, entitled 'first relate appointment tomorrow, I'm scared'. Just thought Reading anothers experience may help.

I know where you're at - the hate thing one minute, hugs and kisses the next. I removed myself eventually, as I
could not cope with it.

[Lilia87]

He won't support the DC's i don't think. The first DC is not his. The second DC he says he would support him, but I doubt he would in reality. Have never received a penny from DC 1'S dad, despite CSA etc chasing him and me giving them all his details (inc nat insurance no, address, work address etc) so i don't see how it would be different this time. He would stay with his mum like he always has before he met me and she would buy and do absolutely everything for him.

We have a rented house, tenancy is in my name only, although he is declared as living here for council tax purposes etc.

I always say "just one more try..." but it never is.

It really is dire though. The other night he said "This really is end-of-the-road stuff" and I'm inclined to agree with him (although it's the only thing we can agree on!)

He says he doesn't think we are right for each other, and he is right, so why does he keep coming back? Loves me one minute, can't look at me the next.

I would be better off financially if he left actually. I have already been to the CAB equivalent where we live, called 'money matters'.

[Scorps]

Anyfucker knows her stuff. Listen to her

[AnyFucker]

thanks scorps, good to "see" you, girly

lilia...then you really have no excuse to keep letting him put you through this torment

he keeps coming back, because you let him and you want to believe he has changed and will suddenly put his family first

it doesn't sound like he will, unless he gets a sharp shock...mixed messages from you won't convince him he has to do anything he doesn't want to do

he sounds immature, selfish and a complete mummy's boy

does this sound like a good life partner for you ?

nope

get rid and find yourself a grown-up

[Lilia87]

It's ok, AnyFucker, sometimes I need a bit of straight-talking! You were right about the individual counselling thing i think. Iam only in my early 20s yet have been in 2 long-term relationships (current OH AND dd'S DAD - very similar - both have been immature verbally abusive men, who respected and loved me at the start but the more shit i took from them, the more they disrespected me, never left me but ended up pushing me to leave them by being outrageously nasty)

Thanks Scorps I have read your whole thread before - you are an absolute inspiration! . My OH does the 'pulling hoodie over head and falling asleep so as not to listen' thing your ex did.

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's possible to get so locked into this game that you can't think straight - in fact, that is the point of emotional abuse. It's set up to make you doubt your own thoughts & feelings; this makes you more malleable.

Would it be an idea to take yourself and the kids away for a week, either to your Mum's or with a trusted girlfriend? Not just for the break (though you need one!), but specifically to clear your head & get some perspective on your relationship issues?

It does sound as if you're gathering strength, anyway - well done you! I just wouldn't like to see you twist yourself all out shape over this, if you have the chance to get a timeout with support.

[Scorps]

Lillia - I'm only just 25, you CAN be alone. Yes sometimes it's shit, but my god the relief of the emotional stuff, the worrying, it all goes literally overnight. My children have 2 dads between them too.

I am pmsl at inspiration though

[AnyFucker]

< phew > lilia, thought I had made a misjudgement there

lilia...you are young enough to be my daughter, and this is the advice I would give to her, I promise

what would you say to your own child, faced with an abusive partner ?

scorps is an inspiration...look how much support she needed though, in RL and on here, to make that final move (sorry to talk about you as if you are not there, scorps [wink})

it is not easy...and you are certainly brave to face up to the fact you appear to have repeated a pattern in choosing crap men

are your parents around ? Good friends ? Sympathetic GP ?

[Lilia87]

You are right, he is immature and selfish and a mummy's boy. Thinks he is better than everyone else. His views are superior, his parenting is superior, and anyone who doesn't agree with him is misguided at best, nasty names at worst.

I think I know what I need to do. I need to adopt a zero-tolerance approach to any verbal abuse. I never actually got a grip of what it actually is until recently. It's insidious. I thought I was going mad until I picked up a leaflet on it, and his own mother told me i'd be best throwing him out because no-one should put up with that (don't know why she doesn't)

[Scorps]

Yes it's true - I needed hourly support at one time. Now it's just a once a week hour meltdown . I have had all sorts of professional help too - a cpn, family support worker, homestart. Now I just have homestart, and my fabulous parents. You will need someone.

Being in this pattern and emotional upheaval daily is not it for you. I promise, truly, that this is not better than being alone.

[AnyFucker]

I bloody hate men like this

they should all be shot

< wanders off to find me shotgun...>

if my son grows up to be like this I will fucking kill him myself (and I wouldn't constantly bail him out either, like this one's mother does)