Is it really all my fault?

[sososelfish]

Posted in here and mental health as not sure where to go.

DH has suffered with depression for years. I have always tried to be patient and calm and help him in any way that I can. We now have a 4mo DS and my ability to support him is waning. I feel like I do not have enough to look after our child and him. He is no longer on ADs and thinks that the depression has gone. He wakes up angry, has no interest in DS or me, is selfish, his own first priority and is bitter about the fact that I am at home on mat leave. He has forbidden me to see friends during the day saying that my role is to look after DS and keep the house, however his standards of how clean he wants the house are constantly changing and I feel I cannot keep up. I am so lonely and feel like I am losing the ability to cope. I have asked him to go back to the GP but he says that the only reason he is so stressed and angry is because I don't keep the house clean enough (the house is like a showhome but is never good enough). I don't know how much longer I can take all the blame and keep doing more and more to try to make him happy. I cried all night last night thinking back to when I was pregnant and how excited and full of hope we both were. It has all gone so wrong. What do I do?

[EldritchCleaver]

Soso,

I suffered from depression for a long time. It is a terrible illness, but for most people, it is manageable if you work at it and get good treatment and support. Is your DP working at it? Is he accessing support and treatment (other than you)? Has he tried or will he try therapy? I do think you are entitled to expect-demand-this much from him. Has he even had a proper diagnosis of depression?

It sounds from your post as though he is putting the onus on you to keep things going and blaming you for how he acts and feels. If he is that is cruelly unfair. It is also guaranteed not to help him recover from his illness. You generally get better by taking responsibility and opening up, not by oppressing other people.

You can't save him and you can't be responsible for managing his illness-that's very much his job, especially now you both have a child.

Actually it sounds as though he is being very unkind and even a bit weird about the cleaning. If he wants the house to be cleaner, is there any reason why he can't do it himself?.

Please look after yourself and your child first, and don't accept 'depression' as a reason to treat you or your child this badly, because it just isn't. It may not even be the cause.

Don't let him just forbid you to see friends during the day: you know this isn't acceptable in any marriage or any circumstances.

Hard though it will be, in your shoes I would have to tell him that you can't just keep pandering to him and until he tackles the depression properly, he's on his own with it, and I say that as a sufferer.

Most of all, don't feel guilty and don't accept the blame whenever he's not feeling happy. It doesn't work like that.

[NicknameTaken]

Definitely not your fault. When someone acts like this, they don't really want the house to be any cleaner, what they want is to keep you off-balance and trying to please. This is abusive behaviour. Forbidden you to see friends during the day? No way is this normal or acceptable behaviour.

[cestlavielife]

please speak to someone your health visitor and a counsellor about what is going on here. you ened objective support.

he IS being abusive. you need help in delaing with this.

if depressed - is his repsonsibility to seek treatment eg go abck on ADs. - you need to set boundaries.

he cannot control what you do in day. of sourse you should see friends. you at risk of getting v depressed yourself.

please tell your HV what is going on here and seek some support.

[doggiesayswoof]

No it isn't your fault.

I hope you are ignoring his nonsense about not seeing your friends?

He needs help, but if he won't access it, you can't do anything.

It seems to me his depression and his abusive behaviour towards you need to be separated from each other. Depression is not an excuse for treating the mother of your child in such a way.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to suggest - does he listen to you? Have you spoken to him about how upset you feel?

[doggiesayswoof]

You really must see friends.

You have a young baby and you need support - he is not giving it to you. You need to get it from somewhere.

[ItsGraceAgain]

You mustn't let him bully you, sweetheart.

See your friends as and when you wish, keep house to your own standard of adequacy. Put your self and your children first. You might need to find an assertiveness course, since you seem to have lost the ability to say No. Look in the library and/or the council office.

I have depression which can make me unpleasant company. It doesn't turn me into a bully; it is certainly not caused by anyone failing to serve as household staff! It shocks (and depresses) me to see how often it's used as an excuse to abuse others.

He's an adult and is responsible for his own health & behaviour. You already have one baby!

[sososelfish]

I can see his point of view, though. If I had to work and earn the money and he was able to see his friends during the day, maybe I would be jealous. I try to point out that we are not having a wild time, the baby would still need looking after if someone else were there to keep me company or not. As I posted in mental health, I have made an appt with GP which he is going to later. I have also written down all the things I am not happy about and feel that we are missing out on as a family because of his need for a clean tidy house. Got really upset yesterday because I have done no foot or handprints because I was afraid of making a mess, but it makes me sad that there are lots of things I will look back on and wish I had done. Anyway, thanks for the reassurance. Feel a bit more able to steamroller him into looking at himself to find the problem and assist him in getting help. I hope he lets me.

[doggiesayswoof]

"If I had to work and earn the money and he was able to see his friends during the day, maybe I would be jealous"

I am sorry, but really, if you can't hear how fucked up that sounds, then he's obviously messing with your head

I go to work. (I suffer from depression on and off too btw). I see people at work every day - OK they might not be my closest friends, but I am very friendly with some of them. We chat.

My DH is at home with our DC. He has a couple of friends who work p/t and he knows some mums (and the odd dad) from going to toddler things. I encourage him to see them as often as he can - he has to have a life too.

You are a PERSON. You can't be expected to spend all day every day with only a 4mo baby as company. If your roles were reversed, would you really want your DH to devote his entire life to babycare and cleaning? With no social contact at all?

[SweetGrapes]

Clean house? Wtf?? Baby is 4mo. You are home to take care of the baby not clean the house.
I had food delivered every night for dh and me for the first 3 months. (home cooked food - not takeaway crap. It was a blessing.)

Do your foot and prints. Seriously,do them. You will miss them later and these times will not come back. Tell him to f'off.

I don't swear usually but...

Are you going to baby groups, baby swim, library rhyme times etc?

[doggiesayswoof]

OP I'm sorry if my last post sounded a bit strident. I am a bit outraged at your DH.

[Hullygully]

Tell him to fuck right off.

[NicknameTaken]

"I can see his point of view, though."

It has to cut both ways. Is he trying to see your point of view? Who benefits from your enforced isolation?

It's good to see the other person's point of view, but make sure you don't lose sight of your own. It's a mind game that abusive men play.

[NicknameTaken]

And the thing about the footprints/handprints - don't let him steal your pleasure in your baby.

This is not normal behaviour at all.

[cestlavielife]

"Feel a bit more able to steamroller him into looking at himself to find the problem and assist him in getting help."

whoa you putting him way above you and baby.

stop thinking about him. he is an adult.

start thinking about what YOU want in life and in this relationship.

for you and your baby.

you cannot change his behaviour - you need to change yours - get more assertive, make a mess to get hand and foot prints.

you chaning your responses and beahviours might result in him changing his...

is too easy to do things his way to keep the epace - but it wont make for a good life.

myexP too was obseesed about cleaning - me and dcs only apinted made mess when he wasnt there....they still ask me "can we go in the garden and dig?"

not being allowed to get messy - not on. dont put up with it. it will only get worse as baby becomes a toddler unless you make it clear now...

[sungirltan]

nicknametaken - i so agree he is being abusive and working hard to breakdown yourself esteem.

soselfish -please don't kid yourself that he is in some way being reasonable about the not seeing friends. taking your baby out to see people/having people to the house is a NORMAL thing for mums to do. if i had to argue to toss i'd guess it was extrmely beneficial to childcare - of course its ok for you to chat to friends and babies love attention from other adults.

i don't want to sound too harsh but cutting you off from your friends is v typical of dv/abusive behaviour.