Friend had a miscarrage, I am pregnant - feel guilty...

[Poll32]

Anyone have a friend who has had a miscarriage? My friend and her husband keep trying for a baby and are desperate for one. I am pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy and so far everything is going well - I have no husband and am doing this alone. I however, can't help feeling guilty that I will hopefully have what she wants. She asks me lots of questions about the pregnancy, but I don't want to answer them because a. I feel bad for her, b. I don't want to talk about my pregnancy as my circumstances are complicated, c. I don't want to rub it in.... I could go on a bit more.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is it normal to feel guilty? Do I continue to answer her questions re my pregnancy or tell her that she doesn't have to ask me if she doesn't want to?

[samsonthecat]

Yes, my friend lost her baby a week before I had DD1. It was really hard to know what to do. On the one hand she really needed a friend but I didn't feel that friend could be me. I also needed her because I had had a really rough time but obviously didn't feel like I could see her.
I avoided her for about 2 weeks, then thought I can't do this for ever so I sent her a message to see if it was ok to come and see her. I just left it up to her, obviously if she didn't want to see me she would have said so. I just told her how sorry I was and she held my baby
She is Godmother to DD1 and does have DC of her own now but the guilt was terrible for the first few months.
I think you have to carry on as normal but be sensitive to her feelings. Let her know that if she would rather not talk about your pregnancy you won't. It is totally normal for you to feel guilty but your guilt won't change the situation which is so sad for your friend. I hope this helps.

[TulipsInTheRain]

congratulations on your pregnancy

try not to feel guilty, the fact that your friend is asking questions suggests she certainly doesn't feel any resentment or jealousy and is simply happy for you and curious what to expect when the time comes for her.

my friend has a boy same age as my eldest and can't have any more due to medical reasons... i've had two more since then.

She was living abroad when i got pregnant with my second so it wasn't much of an issue but when i was pregnant with ds2 i was very concious of her situation but she was never anything other than delighted for me, she even rang me to let me sob down the phone at her when ds2 was in scbu... her little boy had been in there as well so she knew better than anyone else what i was feeling at the time.

I did feel horrible one day when i was about 8 months and mentioned being a bit uncomfortable and she said 'I suppose i'm lucky in a way I never got to that stage, you're already 6 weeks more pregnant than i've ever been' (her little boy was very premature) and resolved to have a bit more sense with regard to what i said to her.

When i got pregnant dp wanted to announce it to them together and i suggested that it might be best if he told her dp (his mate) first and he told her, that way she wouldn't feel put on the spot to respond in a positive way if she was upset but she was delighted for us and full of chat about my pregnancy every time we met up.

[PinkFuschia]

My close friend and I both had difficulty conceiving and both announced our pregnancies at the same time. Sadly I had a miscarriage and was unable to have children. She went on to have a gorgeous little girl who is now 18. As we worked together I saw the scans, watched her bump grow, and was the first person apart from her DH to see the baby once it was born.

At no time did I feel anything but happiness for her. I think you need to take your lead from your friend. If she's happy to be involved in your pregnancy then involve her as much as you want to. If your circumstances mean that you would rather not talk to her then tell her that. But don't feel guilty if she's happy to hear about what should be a joyful time for you.

[squilly]

I've been the other side of the coin. I had the mc, bf had the pg. I was grief stricken for a while and found it difficult, but I didn't blame my friend for staying pg when I couldn't! We stayed friends. It wasn't easy at first, but 2 years later I was pg again (as was she) and I dreaded the worst. But, 9 years later, we both have 9 year olds.

It will be hard for her initially but you're a good friend for thinking about that. She'll know you care. That's what matters.

And congrats on the PG.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I was your friend and my BF had her DS 10 days before my baby would have been due. I had a moment of sadness when she went into labour and I cried when I went up to visit her and they wouldn't let me in (went at family only time!) but other than that, honestly, I was still happy for her. Of course I was sad but her baby was nothing to do with mine.

I nearly had a nervous breakdown when she had some bleeding the week after my MC which she didn't want to tell me about. Affirmed to both of us that I didn't resent her pg!