Family Arguement - Advice Needed

[ebaxter]

Hi, sorry this may be a strange post, I'm new to mumsnet. I want varied advice and experience as I'm at a loss what to do for the best.

Without going in to lots of details I've recently had a very big and unpleasant falling out with my dad, step mum and step brothers and sisters. It's come to the point where I've not seen or spoken to anyone accept my dad for nearly 6 weeks, a total unheard of.

Lots of things have been said, some taken the wrong way on both sides but the actual cause of the arguement was just really the tip of the iceberg and it's resurrected lots of old resentments.

I'm now in the situation where my husband refuses point blank to have anything to do with my family. He says they are poisonous. I have to say in the past I've always felt very guilty when we say no to things, they want far more from us in terms of spending time with us, wanting contact with our son etc than we are comfortable with. (This isn't the main issue)

I have felt in the last 5-6 weeks happy in a strange way that not having them in my life removes so many negative things. I am however starting to wonder am I just running away from things and should I be trying to resolve them.

I would be forcing myself to try to sort things out but wonder if we are maybe not giving them a fair chance, I have just have this llttle niggle that perhaps even if we sort things out now long term nothing I ever do will be enough or good enough.

So my main question is do I try and talk my husband into sitting down and talking to my parents? I'm so confused I don't really know what I want.

I'm sorry for this long post and the fact that there are no details but that would take far too long! Anyone in a similar situation or have been, your advice or comments would be so appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

[teaandcakeplease]

That sounds tough.

I'd only work on my relationship with family personally and try and resolve things and see them from time to time without DH if it was me. Probably not the done thing but they're my family not his and it's probably understandable why he feels as he does. But blood runs thicker than water and family is family, so I personally would apologise for my part in it and leave it there. If they refused my apology at least I'd know I'd done the right thing.

My MIL and FIL often want to see me and grand kids more than I would like but I'm learning ways to agree visits and just say I'm busy otherwise but not what. Luckily they do not ask but family time alone is good and I want there to be a healthy balance of both for my kids. Maybe it'll back fire at some point though

Hoping some other mumsnetter has some ideas. I suspect once the kids are in bed, if you bump it again you'll get some more responses.

I'm sorry things are so tricky. It's always in the back of your mind when things like this happen

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Many adults whose parent/s were and remain toxic are also trapped by the "FOG" - fear, obligation, guilt.

How has your Dad acted towards you since this argument?. Has he been at all amenable towards you or has he acted as a "bystander" and not wanting to get further involved?.

Do not feel at all guilty; perhaps they have done you a favour ultimately. Your H could well be right; if they are "poisonous" they have likely been so for many years and that was none of your doing.

Some families just don't want to listen or take any responsibility for their actions. Please do not feel guilted into trying to resolve things; if they are not interested in resolution you are flogging a dead horse and could get hurt all over again. What do you think the outcome would be of any meeting between yourselves and them (which is something I would think twice about in any case).

You may actually want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Blood is not always thicker than water and having toxic family members in your day to day life is not worth it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You would not let a friend treat you in such a manner so why should parents be any different?.

Whatever you decide you both must present a united front to them and set clear boundaries re what is acceptable behaviour. Toxic families though do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial behaviour; it is usually their way or nothing.

[ebaxter]

Hi Attila, My Dad the first time I met with him listened and didn't really respond to what I said. I explained alot about how I felt, why we'd reacted as we had to a recent event and how things he'd said had brought us to the point we were at.

The second time we met he did most of the talking and almost brushed under the carpet what I had said and instead explained why they were right in certain things they had done. I'e I thought he'd empathised but basically he hadn't.

He now thinks we should be talking and wants me to talk to my husband and he will to his wife to try to see if everyone can agree to meet.

I think clearly they don't really want to meet up either, if they did they would have tried to have made contact with me to arrange this. I think it's more they want a relationship with my son so what do they have to do to have it.

I say have a relationship with us first, if that isn't going to work my son isn't going to be involved. (He's only one so has no idea what's going on)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi ebaxter,

Was not totally surprised to read the conversation between you and your Dad (have dysfunctional relations myself); people from inherently dysfunctional families want to brush things under the carpet and are quite adept to blame others for their ills. You may well have felt very blamed whilst they did not accept any responsibility. They also do not do empathy at all.

I would keep my distance both emotionally and physically from these people and get caller id for your phone if you do not already have it.

You may actually want to read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as that may be helpful to you as well.

[teaandcakeplease]

It didn't occur to me when typing what I'd do that your situation, that there maybe an abusive family history.

If this is the case, please disregard my advice completely. My family often have big blow ups but we have always resolved things. But my advice is no use if your family is as ebaxter suspects. Either way I am so sorry x

[teaandcakeplease]

• in your situation

[teaandcakeplease]

Attilathemerrkat not ebaxter. I wish I could delete posts easily, when an error is made.

Sorry, hitting post message without reviewing properly twice!

[KoalaSar]

I was struck by you saying you had felt happy since not seeing them. This rings huge alarm bells for me.

I come from a very dysfunctional family. They are exactly as other posters have descibed, in terms of laying guilt and blaming others and failing to take any responsibility. My mother is extremeley spiteful.

I haven't seen any of them for 15 months - it started as needing some space from them but they couldn't cope with this and became abusive.

Like you, I felt a huge sense of happiness when they disappeared. You mustn't feel guilty about this - let the dust settle and follow your heart. As others have said, blood isn't always thicker.

Good luck - it's not a nice position to be in, but you must do whatever is best for your own family.

[ebaxter]

Thanks for all of your messages. I've been reading other posts as well as directed and it's so nice to know I'm not alone and just wierd!

I've read so many comments I could of posted myself. I feel like I really need to time to think but it's been 5-6 weeks already. How much time realistically should I need? Am I just delaying making some hard decisions (confused)

[Anniegetyourgun]

There is no "right answer" here, no prescribed length of time. Give it as long as you feel you need. By the sound of it you haven't had long enough yet.

[saggyjuju]

i am 3years into no contact with most of my family and yes there was so much relief that all the horrible negative feelings i would get when around them for all my life before the argument had gone,but i will warn you that as much as you would like to carry on with your own life,the other family members may not accept this. my experience has been this, i was devastated but relieved when contact ended,it hurts to drive or walk past your own parents but i did and it gets easier,sort of,but then tick tick tick like a time bomb because you are moving on, bang ,something happens out of your control. one of my children had to witness me being violently attacked by their own auntie and yes she got hers,police were involved and she was cautioned for abh,but nothing can take back the upset and fear he witnessed and yes i will carry on as before and walk on by but what next? they are still the idiots that will never change

[ebaxter]

Hi saggy, I have thought about this. I had already fallen out with step sister who called to tell me what a horrible person I am, something she has always felt. I would dread meeting her, luckily I live far enough away it's very unlikely.

Step brother surprised me, said he wasn't tal]king sides but said my husband was arrogant, snobby!!! Comments in the past he has said about me.

I don;t know with these sort of comments why I even feel remotely bad about just saying enough I don't need this in my life.

Spoke with nmy husband at the weekend as I thought I felt happy I was making the right decision to not have them in my life anymore. He said he thinks they have left me with no choice with their behaviour, they haven't made any move to try to reconcile. Basically waiting for me to apologise and I haven't done anything!

Well not strictly true had some bad news and a difficult personal situation to deal with that myself and husband took on the chin and just got on with. I was bad for not sharing this info with my SS and SB even though we aren't close.

My Dad and step mother decided to share it with them even though I'd asked them not to whilst in floods of tears.

I am now however after feeling strong about it, now starting to feel I'm not being fair or giving them a chance. I hope all this makes me a better parent to my son.