Not telling your parents that you are pregnant, until they find out after the birth

[needmoreenergy]

Has anyone been in the situation where they really really don't want to tell their parents they are pregnant for family politics reasons?
Just wondered what people's thoughts were, maybe if you are a mum and your daughter was pregnant but she didn't tell you till after she had had the baby.
I am pregnant with my second baby, 7 months gone. My parents tried their best with my first baby (it was their first grandchild and I am one of 4 of their own children so technically there should be lots of future opportunties for them to be grandparents). They came to visit with my firstborn, bought gifts, tried to be tactful and have not intentionally offered unwelcome advice. However they have said things since my firstborn was born which have raked up my childhood, parts of which were unhappy due to their unhappy marriage, domestic violence etc. Since the 4 of us children left home they have decided for their own reasons (maybe cannot be bothered to look elsewhere or maybe the stress of having us 4 totally shocking children was the problem and everythign solved since we left home!!) to stay together and my mum in particular maintains a solid defence against anything negative about our childhood ever being uttered together with a new "loyalty" to my Dad which must not be questioned. Since my baby was born I have found this particularly difficult, and have felt very strongly that I don't ever want my baby exposed to domestic violence or conflict so I keep my mum at her distance. My dad is just distant and absolves himself of responsibility, we have not really got on or communicated for a very very long time and I think he and I have both accepted that.
To add to this my sister has experienced 8 years of infertility and would badly like a baby with her husband herself so my "news" of a second baby will not be welcomed particularly gladly there.
Now I have reached 7 months pregnant I am seriouly considering just not telling any of my family I am pregnant and just make excuses why they cannot visit, they live far enough away for this probably to be achieveable.
If you are a grandmum / parent would you be absolutely livid if you found out your daughter had had a baby and she didnt even tell you she was pregnant in the first place?

[DarrellRivers]

Not livid
Puzzled, disappointed, pretty upset I think
And if I was your sister, I would feel even more upset that you thought I couldn't handle the news of your pregnancy
Yes, it might make me sad because I couldn't have my own baby, but I would get over it.
Tell them, you've got to 7 months now, ad if the alternative is for to make up excuses as to why they can't visit, that just magnifies the situation

[weegiemum]

Its up to you, and I can really, really see your point on this one.

I'm estranged from my mother for a variety of very different reasons. But if I got pg now, no way would I contact her and I would ask my brother not to say anything either.

I think you need to decide if you want to remain in touch at all though. Because if you do continue to call it a secret (and you have done, really, to be 7 months and not have told them already) then there is going to be a great deal of bother when (if?) they ever find out.

I am perfectly happy to be estranged from my mother - it makes my life a whole lot easier. But only you can decide if that is OK for you.

[NicknameTaken]

I think it might cause more trouble than it's worth, tbh. What's your goal here? To minimize hassle from your family? I think that's a reasonable goal, but I don't think this strategy will achieve it. You'll just give them a weapon to use against you.

[needmoreenergy]

Childishly my over riding feeling for the last 7 months is to wish it would all go away "it" I guess just being the obligation / responsibility of telling them. I see the point about my sister I guess I just don't know how to go about doing that bit of it. I have been saying to my husband since we found out maybe I will be really lucky and by some fluke she will get pregnant before I have to tell her and I can then just fade into the background and let her have the "pregnancy" limelight and have baby 2 in a low key way. But so far as I know that hasn't happened. I feel genuinely apprehensive about telling my mum, my heartbeat starts going faster when I think about it. She has this very disapproving tone sometimes (although in a lot of ways she was a brilliant mum herself, she kept things together single handedly through the worst, paying the mortaged herself and everything else, but the word martyr was invented for her in what she took from my dad and she confided in everyone what she was going through, especially me I knew about her hell). Anyway I don't think I can take her disapproval (disapproval at my nervousness at telling her) I think I will cry and that will make it a million times worse. If I have to tell her maybe I should email her. Maybe I will put it off for a bit

[NicknameTaken]

Yes, email might be the way to go.

[Tryharder]

I sympathise because I didn't look forward to telling my mum I was pregnant with DC3 (her reaction was as I anticipated: smacked arse face with shocked/disapproving look and instant "well how will you manage - you haven't got enough money/a big enough car/house and since then one or two pointed hints about getting myself sterilized after "this one is born".) I try and let it go over my head....

I would tell her though and get it over and done with or it will hang over your head and spoil the rest of your pregnancy. Why not write to her? You could even buy her a grandmother's card for Mother's Day and tell her that way. Seriously. She can't very well put put a damper on such a nice gesture (or if she's like my mum she probably could but there you go....)

As for your sister, well it's unfortunate and I am sorry for her but in the end, if the situation was reversed, would you prefer to be told or have people pussyfooting around, keeping secrets and then being the last to know? I would much rather be told and then I could at least pretend to put on a brave face rather than knowing that everyone was pitying me.

[Aviendha]

It would make me more sad and stressed to keep the secret I think. I would tell them and keep them at a distance.

[heQet]

The only thing I would worry about re your sister is that you are going to tell her "I have just had another child" That's going to be a bit of a shock. You don't tell her your are pregnant, which may be hard for her but allows her time to absorb the information, but bam here is my baby, out of the blue, dropped from the sky... that might feel worse. A baby out of nowhere.

[SolidGoldBrass]

It's difficult to deal with announcing a PG to someone who you know is desperate for DC but having problems, however the bottom line is that another person's fertility problems are NOT your fault and NOT your problem, and in the end you just have to tell them - as was said, tell her you're PG rather than doing the 'oh by the way we have a baby.'
This is true even when you do not have a whole lot of issues between you and the other person.

[tiredfeet]

I do think you need to tell your sister you're pregnant before the child arrives, to give her time to get used to the idea. Painful as it is to find out someone is pregnant when you desperately want to be yourself, at least you have their pregnancy to adjust to idea rather than just suddenly having to deal with the existence of a new baby. Its nice that you are worrying about telling them but they will probably be used to coping with receiving news like this by now. There is no way of telling her that will make it less painful really, although when I was struggling to conceive I was grateful to find out the news by email so I could process my feelings in private and then provide the congratulations

don't know about the parents situation, but I agree telling them and then keepign them at a distance is probably best. It will be one less thing to worry about if you tell them.

[trixymalixy]

You're going to have to tell them eventually and the longer you leave it the more hurt they are likely to be that you felt you couldn't tell them, therefore making the situation far far worse.