Long distance boyfriend

[rainbow35]

Hi i'm new on here and hoping you ladies on here can give me some advice. I'm really stressed out at the moment and if i don't talk to someone soon i think i will go mad. I am a single mum and have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for 8 months. Hes a lovely guy, kind and caring. The problem is that when i met him he was working near me but still lived up north with his ex and son, they own a house together and had recently seperated. Unfortunately he lost his job soon after and although he had talked about moving out he was unable to do so for financial reasons. He comes down to see me most weeks, which is a 41/2 hr drive. He's still out of work and i get the feeling he now has no plans to move out of his home. He doesn't want to sell it as he will lose money as its not worth what he paid. When his ex found out he was seeing me she freaked out and doesn't want to be living with him anymore. She went to a solicitor to try and sort things out with him but he refuses to do anything. He is worried that if he moves out he will lose contact with his son. Although she has said to him she would let him stay in the house and she would stay at her mums so he could see his son whenever he wanted to. He can't get a place locally as he is trying to get a job near me, and if he does will rent a room. Even if he was to rent a room he still wants his home up north to be his home and come and go as he pleases, and stay there most weekends. I've tried to bring the subject up about him moving out but he doesn't want to talk about it. Its driving me crazy. I don't think there is anything between him and his ex as all his family know about me. I don't know if he staying for financial reasons or is he not ready to move on with his life. I'm hoping that when he gets a job he will think differently about things. Has anyone been in a similar situation? some days i think my life would be so much easier if we weren't together but its hard as i really love him.

[luciemule]

Tough choices to make but would you consider moving nearer to him? You didn't mention it but could it be an option?

[rainbow35]

If i didn't have kids then i would consider moving near him. I've moved about quite a bit in the last few years and it wouldn't be fair on the kids to move again.

[luciemule]

Maybe he's thinking the same though because of his child. Although he says not, perhaps he's staying up there as long as possible as he feels a bit lost as to what to do. Very stange how he's still living with his ex. If he's unemployed up there, he might as well be unemployed there nearer to you surely? If he's being truthful about why he's still living with the ex, then you really need to tell him to sort it out with the ex (house/child visits etc) and explain that you don't feel happy living like this.Perhaps tell him (if you haven't aleady) that you would have mvoed up there near him if it wasn't for your own children.

[dignified]

Sorry, it doesnt sound like his marriage is quite over just yet. Why would she freak out when she found out about you and see a soliciter unless she was upset which suggests they are not emotionally seperated.

I presume he wasnt honest with her about you ? To continue to live in the same house must be unbearable, and not something most people do for any longer than they have to.

The fact he is refusing to sort anything out suggests to me that he is hanging onto his marriage, otherwise hed be sleeping on a mates sofa.
Hes sort of telling you all sorts here , how important you are , in that his home will be up north ( not near you ), that he lied to his ex about you, that hes content to continue to live with her despite the fact she doesnt want to , and that hes the sort of person who will refuse to discuss things that are bothering you . Id listen carefully to that.

Ive had a similar situation, it took over a year to get my ex out, with him coming up with all sorts of excuses , begging to sort things out ect. Pity his girfreind didnt know that , she was told i was wife from hell and he only lived here for the kids sake.He too wouldnt sort anything out legally, was too busy kissing my arse .

[groundhogs]

Yes, I'd advise you do nothing until he's got himself sorted out.

Make him make the effort to come to you.

You have DC, you have responsibility to them, you have only known this man 8m, it's not long enough to uproot yourself even without them.

If it's meant to be, it will be. He needs to deal with his stuff properly first.

[rainbow35]

Thanks for the replies ladies, not been on here for a while.

Well i've spoken to him on several occasions about this since i last posted and still nothing has changed! He doesn't want to move out completely when he gets a job for finacial reasons. He is still very worried his ex won't let him stay there and see his son. He wants to be able to see his son every week and can't see another way of doing it. So at the moment when he gets a job he plans to rent a room/flat during week and live with son/ex on weekends until his son leaves school!! Which i am very unhappy about. The problem is that he is depressed from not working and i think that its affecting his ability to make decisions and sort this situation out. I forgot to say that his ex knows about me thats not a problem, she is also seeing someone and the reason she went mad is because he used to phone me when she could hear the conversation.

I've decided to stay with him for now and if when he gets a job he doesn't move out completely then i will have to break up with him. Which i really don't want to do, but theres no way i can cope with this crazy situation for much longer.