Dont know what to do now

[dontgiveashite]

A couple of weeks ago i went away with dd visiting family, dh stayed at home because of work.

While away i suffered a miscarriage so stayed a bit longer at my parents then i would have.

When i got home dh was very pleased to see us and everything was normal. DD was playing with dh´s mobile so i took it off her and went to block the phone when i saw some messages from a woman saying " thanks for sorting the flat out gorgeous, much appreaciated" i dont know this woman.

I didnt say anything to dh as i wanted to see if he got more messages (yes i will probably get flamed for looking at his phone,but what was i supposed to do)
Well he did the next one read " hi gorgeous, you know i only want to be with you" i couldnt read anymore as dh walked in and snatched the phone from me. I asked dh what it was all about and he says it is just some silly teenage girls (THEY are 19) texting him who worked for him (he has own business)

We had an argument about it, he says he was bored while i was away "enjoying" myself at parents and it meant nothing and wont happen again, and now he seems to think everything is back to normal. He has deleted the womans number and there hasnt been anymore texts to my knowledge.

But i feel i cant trust him anymore.

How am i supposed to go back to trusting him?

[CelticBanshee]

Oh no, I wouldn't think it's possible to build back trust under those circumstances considering he sounds so dismissive of the whole thing and is not appropriately contrite or apologetic

If he doesn't see it as 'that big a deal' (paraphrasing), then how can you believe he won't do it again?

Is he saying that it was just a flirtation? Do you believe him? What apartment was the girl referring to? Was he with her?

I would say that in order for you to build back trust in a relationship, complete honesty is required and I'm not sure you've even got that as a starting point

[dontgiveashite]

He says it was flitation with some19-20 year olds who worked for him and he helped them find a flat (the girls a flat mates).

No he hasnt been apologetic in the slightest, he just thinks if he says it was just flirting and nothing else, i will just forget about it, but i cant Im raging.

[dontgiveashite]

sorry for typos feeding dd at same time lol

[AnyFucker]

I would be raging too

What a disrespectful tosser he sounds

And I am sorry about your miscarriage < hug >

[CelticBanshee]

I'd be bullin too, you're away, you lose your baby (I'm sorry by the way) and he's at home texting teenagers?

Bottom line is, it has hurt you and disrespected you and he should acknowledge that - HE should be earning your trust back, you can't regain it on your own

[dontgiveashite]

Yeah he is acting like a tosser. It seems he´s trying to blmae me for me not being here when he knows full well why i stayed longer.

[CelticBanshee]

Ah he's a poxy bollocks

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

OP - you know this is not okay don't you?

You know the content of the last message you saw tells it all, don't you?

He is trying to fob you off with absolute bollocks. These texting relationships are never harmless.

Get to work to find out what has gone on - then decide accordingly. But even with what you can prove at the moment, this is enough to make some tough decisions.

Do a search on these boards for the 20 odd posters who have been in your position in the past year....you'll see loads of good advice and the conclusion that just because someone gets foiled in the act, the intent remains and often escalates.

And all this while you were miscarrying.....

So very sorry for your loss.

[dontgiveashite]

Yeah i know deep down that there is more stuff that i dont know but cant prove.
It just seemed a bit full on texting, as his phone was full but couldnt read them all because he snatched the phone.

He also seems to thinks as he was texting a couple of girls who are friends (to the same phone?) it proves it was all just in jest and abit of a flirt.

I have the girls number and really want to call her but havent as dont know what to say.

[CelticBanshee]

Not sure I'd involve her, although you'd probably get more info out of her than your husband it seems

Have you any way of checking his phone records so you can establish when the contact started, just incase it didn't just start while you were away?

Either way, you don't think he's being honest, I know what I'd do in that situation but I'm a drastic fucker

[AnyFucker]

Don't call these girls.

Your issue is with your husband...who appears to have a very skewed definition of boundaries and respectful behaviour.

You can blame their shenanigans on immaturity...what is his excuse ?

What would his reaction be if you asked to look at his phone properly? Do you think it would still be full ?

[dontgiveashite]

Checking his phone billis a good idea,but he takes all bills to his office, so might go there tomorrow and have a look.

Yeah they are only 19 so dont think i would get much other then giggling out of them. But dh is 31 fgs.

I have looked at his phone and his inbox is always empty.

[CelticBanshee]

what about his sent items?

[AnyFucker]

this is awful for you, dontgive

can you talk it over with anyone in RL ?

[dontgiveashite]

Also regarding leaving him, i feel like im trapped here. I have nowhere to go.When visiting my parents me and dd slept on sofa bed, which is fine for a couple of weeks,but not good for abit more permanent.

I have worked with dh for the last 5 years, so wouldnt get good refrences from him if i left him as he his spiteful. the business is in his name as is the house. So i feel abit dumb for trusting him enough to not insist on my name on there aswell. We are not married, we are engaeged to be married next year lol.So dont think i would get anything re house and business etc...

[CelticBanshee]

Okay, I'm not saying you should leave him but just a few points regarding your post

Firstly, you'd get somewhere to live, you would get assistance and if necessary you could still move in with your Mam until you got something sorted - even if it's cramped

Secondly, he is required by law to give you a good reference, or at least, not a negative one

Do you contribute to the house? You could still come out with some of it if you left, by talking to a solicitor you would know where you stand, shite that you're not on the deeds but the fact that you can prove you're contributing would stand to you, also the fact that you're engaged to be married would stand to you as he wouldn't be able to lie and say you're a lodger

[AnyFucker]

Bloody hell

You need some financial advice, my love

I am not saying you need to leave him (although he needs a bloody kick up the arse,,,that is for sure)

But you are in a very vulnerable position (and I expect he is well aware of that...hence the idea he can act how the fuck he chooses)

You may not be quite as vulnerable as you think though...get some professional advice. Perhaps if you are sure where you stand legally...you will be less inclined to let stuff like this go

I wouldn't marry him. And I wouldn't be ttc with him either.

[CelticBanshee]

AnyFucker:'I wouldn't marry him. And I wouldn't be ttc with him either'

What she said

[dontgiveashite]

Im not working at the moment. Im a sahm,have been since dd was born 15 months ago, so am not contributing. I worked with dh in the business since i met him.

Just feel like abit of a tit for not insisting on my name going on the deeds.But love is blind.

[dontgiveashite]

Dont worry definitely NOT ttc with him

[CelticBanshee]

I'd seek legal advice regardless if I were you, it couldn't hurt - you consider yourself dependent, but you're not

[MillyMollyMoo]

Im a sahm,have been since dd was born 15 months ago, so am not contributing

You're bringing up his child of course you're contributing, insist you get your name on the mortgage immediately.

[WingedVictory]

You didn't mention whether he knew about your miscarriage?

[dontgiveashite]

yes he knew, and was upset about it.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

If these texts came from one number, there aren't girls plural - there is one woman, who seems to think it's okay to say she only wants to be with him. The multiples of girls is a smokescreen. This woman probably isn't 19 either - I wouldn't believe a word of this story at all.

If you actually think he's spiteful enough to "do your legs" WRT a reference, there doesn't seem to be much of a relationship here anyway.

I'd be checking phone bills, the phone itself, looking for second phones, checking E mails, buying SIM card readers and the whole shebang. While simultaneously visiting a solicitor and working out how I could support myself.

To me, one of the greatest crimes here is the total lack of respect - no contrition, no abject apologies - just blame for having the temerity to have a miscarriage and not be at his beck and call last week. What a piece of work.