End it or persevere a bit longer?

[morequestionsthananswers]

Things haven't been great for a long time, probably for quite a while pre-DC but you know how it is, you have plans and if you just get through the next thing it will all be ok. Well, what if that next thing comes and goes and still things aren't remotely near right?

Neither of us is happy, it's probably no-one's fault, just life and how things have drifted, but if we just can't be happy together maybe we should separate. It makes me feel so sad typing this but I'm at a loss.

How do you end it when there is no specific event just a gradual decline? I just don't think we've got it in us to reverse the decline. We are polls apart emotionally and practically.

[chippychippybangbang]

I don't think there's an easy or painless way tbh. A kind of similar thing happened with me, and then events took over and forced the split. It takes a lot of courage, but could bring massive rewards in that you will ultimately be happier elsewhere.

Have you done the Relate thing? Do you want to try and make it work?

[morequestionsthananswers]

We're trying but even that's a bit of a battle or maybe just too much effort. It kind of all feels a little bit too late. I think it might be able to be saved but even I'm having my doubts now.

[stradivarious]

I am the Queen of Perseverence! I guess it depends how long you have been together, how kind you are with each other, is he a decent man, etc, etc. There are many reasons to persevere and, I am sure many reasons not to. How long has it been bad for? How old are DC? I guess only time will tell, you will find the answer in your heart one day. If you are asking other people the question I would say you are not ready to end it, as in you will know when and if the time is right without having to question it, not that I am an expert in the matter, as I often feel I have been persevering way too long.

[morequestionsthananswers]

That's probably exactly it, I'm on the cusp and could tip either way but the time feels like it's drawing ever nearer.

[stradivarious]

If you are on the cusp and it could tip either way then personally I would do nothing at the moment. It sounds like you are still balancing things up, you need to be absolutely 100% sure of any choice you make.

[morequestionsthananswers]

It's the DC and the fact that I'd have to leave for lots of practical reasons. It's just too hard. Maybe we can end it but carry on living together for however long or is that just clutching at straws? I'm trying to see the practical difference between that and just getting on with my life and there isn't one really.

[morequestionsthananswers]

I'm fuck miserable strad I know that much. But I could probably cheer up by just putting this aside and getting out and about more. Maybe I should just do that. It just doesn't feel like that is doing enough to make us work but maybe it's a start or a step in one direction or another.

[morequestionsthananswers]

And I've been not acting for a long time, waiting for this, that or the other. Can't see sufficient change coming, or at least not soon enough.

[stradivarious]

Surely ending it but still living together would be hard for the DC as at some point I don't suppose you would be able to live together amicably,children pick up on bad vibes. Have you had a serious talk with DH to see how you can resolve your situation?

[morequestionsthananswers]

It always comes back to the same stuff, practical vs emotional support. DCs are little and very time-consuming and emotionally-consuming of course. I just don't think we like each other very much at the moment. Love, friendship and affection seem a million miles away.

[stradivarious]

I understand how miserable you are feeling MQTA and I find going out and socialising, chatting with friends definately helps. Does DH know just how miserable you feel? My own DH knows, in my case I'm not sure it makes a great difference to him but then he is very good at hiding his real emotions. Will DH open up to you? Do you ever spend time together just the two of you? In my case, if I am honest I suppose I stay because we all have so much to lose (for many many reasons) and underneath it all (hidden well away), I do believe DH is a decent man who I actually still love (despite his faults, I'm sure I have mine too. Have you totally lost all love for DH? You need to be certain of your decision, it will affect DC and they are your priority.

[morequestionsthananswers]

It's like some horrendous holding cell isn't it? Not got many people I can talk to about this but I will try. I could recover nicer feelings I think but the longer this goes on the more I'm shutting down.

[stradivarious]

From my own personal experience, I am 100% guilty if you want to call it that of being there 100% for my DC when they were younger, DH did not really get a look in so to speak. So we too were, as you describe, in a situation where love, friendship and affection were a million miles away. I don't know how young your DC are but if DH is anything like mine as in not being supportive and being as involved as he should then I daresay he is feeling left out and neglected. This will have a knock on effect to your marriage (I was oblivious to this at the time). If you are not getting practical and emotional support at a time like this then it is easy to feel let down by your partner and even resentful. All feelings that will knaw away and erode your relationship.

I'm still here after 20 odd years of having no emtional support, I didn't really wake up to that fact until a lot of damage had been done. Do you see what I am saying If you are feeling the way you do and your DC are little, then can you accept that maybe you are partly to blame for the maritle breakdown and if so, you can help repair it before it is too late. I have rambled so I hope you understand what I am getting at.

[morequestionsthananswers]

Absolutely, it is both of us. Maybe we just need to find a way to call a truce, stop expecting anything from each other because we're not getting it anyway, focus on only talking about arranging nice stuff together and see how that goes. Maybe if we start acting like we're not emotionally reliant on each other that will help. That's how it'd be post-split anyway. Maybe we're approaching this the wrong way around.

[SolidGoldBrass]

A bit diffricult to advise properly without knowing what the issues are. DOes your H belittle you and criticize you a lot? DOes one of you want sex more than the other? Is he a total lazyarse round the hourse (I am not saying that because he#s a man he must be an idle bullying sex pest, of course, just that these are the most commong reasons for women to feel miserable in their marriages).

[stradivarious]

Although I was not aware of how bad my marriage was when the DC were small (because I was SO wrapped up in them), you are aware at how things are. You say your DC are little, ok then so how about you both try concentrating on the DC and not what your not getting from each other because whilst you are doing that you are not totally enjoying your little ones and one day you may look back and regret the time you spent feeling miserable about DH instead of having a great time with DC.

You haven't said anything terrible has happened, enjoy these lovely children you produced TOGETHER.

[Struggler]

Hi MoreQthanA

Just wanted to post in support and say I know how you feel. I have been with DH for more than 25 years and have teenagers. I haven't been happy for several years but was in denial putting on a brave face and keeping busy. I fell in love with someone and had a short affair which woke me up to how far wrong things were.
We ended that, he is married too, and I told DH. We have been to Relate for several months and I am going to counselling as well. I am trying so hard to put things right but I am utterly miserable and it feels futile.
How long do I have to go on trying for? DH loves me dearly, he is a good man and treats me well but I don't love him any more and he can't make me happy. I will go on trying but there must be a point at which I can say "enough".
I feel like a selfish bitch for wanting to break up my family. I still believe in my marriage vows even though I lost my way. It is all a horrible mess and surely life isnt meant to be like this?

[morequestionsthananswers]

I feel criticised a lot, DP would say I'm lazy around the house which is true-ish, well, my standards are lower. DP does a lot around the house, most of it, bit controlling about how it should be done so I back off. Neither of us has wanted sex for a long time but I want to now. Can't even think that's going to happen when a kiss is a real effort.

[overmydeadbody]

You cannot end it and still live together. That will not be fair on either of you and not allow you to move on.


It sounds like you are both just not suited to each other, in which case you really should just end it and go your seperate ways. Before it turnts into resentment and bitterness at what you hjave lost and you both end up hurting each other.

[overmydeadbody]

Do you want sex with him in particular or do you just want sex?

[morequestionsthananswers]

Sometimes I think that over and then I think we have a fair amount in common. This really isn't easy. It was good once.

[overmydeadbody]

actually your post at 16:34 is spot on.

Perhaps the issue isn't that you are both not suited to each other, but more that you are both expecting the wrong things from each other and looking for emotional support instead of seeing the other person as an individual and valuing and respecting them from that?

Maybe you both just need to start looking at this relationship from a different angle?

[morequestionsthananswers]

Good question over! Like I said, I could rediscover the feelings I reckon, but it needs emotional effort from him and he'd argue practical support from me and so we go around in circles. I feel I do make an effort, don't get much in return so give up. He probably feels the same.

[stradivarious]

So how long have you been together? Were the DC planned? You are not really saying very much here, I do hope you can talk to DH.

[overmydeadbody]

So are you looking for more emotinoal invlovment that he is able to give? Are you aksnig too much from him? Is he expecting stuff from you that you are just not able to give?