Is this a personality disorder, if so which one...

[thesteelfairy2]

so I can read more about it?

Likes to make sure that no members of the family have relationships that are not conducted through her.

Always has to have someone to hate within the family. We tend to take it turns to be her bitter enemy, during that time we can do not good whatsoever. Every action, every thought, every word is taken in a negative way and used as proof of how awful we are. Very black and white. You are either "in" or "out". It comes in cycles. While you are "out" details will be passed to the rest of the family and a campaign of hate will be conducted to make sure you are estranged from all other family members.

Offers to help out but does it on her terms. Gets angry if you refuse or change the details or disagree with the help you might need.

Gets angry and cuts you off if you disagree with her or don't take her advice. Will turn up with a present or card on a special occasion and act like nothing has happened after not speaking for months even years.

Tells lies then pretends to be "forgetful". Can't remember the things she said and did if you call her on them.

More than this but just wondered if anyone else could identify with this.

Many thanks.

[WillYouStopBloodyMithering]

Watching with interest as this sounds like my mother to a tee.

[GypsyMoth]

Google personality disorder and look at the different strands. But is this a proper diagnosis?

[thesteelfairy2]

I have done but she seems to be a mish mash of many different types, seems to take a little from all of them. Does that mean she has them all?

We are getting on ok at the moment, younger sister is out of favour just now but I know it will be my turn soon.

Would like some tips on dealing with her as well. On the verge of divorcing EA ex h as well and asking lots of questions of myself as to whether I was conditioned to accept years of abuse from him because of how my mother is? Just got loads of stuff buzzing around in my head at the moment.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

annoying twat disorder, classic case.

[WillYouStopBloodyMithering]

Oh good god please say you are not my sister!

[thesteelfairy2]

lol Brahms, could it really be as simple as that?

WYSBM - I don't know. Did your older sister recommend this site to you because I did to my younger sister?

[WillYouStopBloodyMithering]

Standeasy.
I think I have said some regrettable things about my older sister in my other guise but you, thankfully, are not her.

[thesteelfairy2]

Rather scary that there are two identical mothers out there though. Maybe they are sisters!

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I do think sometimes people try to 'excuse' people by deciding that they have some kind of personality disorder. Mostly it is just twattish behaviour imo

[nighbynight]

The thing is though, at what point does twattish behaviour pass over into a disorder?
I sometimes wonder this about my ex, who is a prime twat. His behaviour just isn't normal - but is it just a case of learning when he was very small that if he shouted and pushed enough, he would get what he wanted?

[thesteelfairy2]

That sounds familiar nighby night. My ex h has the most huge sense of entitlement and lack of empathy ever to be found in a man, however I googled NPD on the advice of my SIL (his sister!) and that just didn't quite fit. He is the only boy of four dc and his dad was an abusive arsehole of the highest order, used to check MIL shopping receipts, blame her for absolutely everything that ever went wrong, make the girls do the washing up but not exh etc and I think he just grew up with an extremely low opinion of women that he cannot shake, combine that with a drink problem and it could be so severe as to look like some kind of mental disorder but probably isn't.

[GypsyMoth]

i always thought my ex had one....it was confirmed recently by a psychiatrist when he was court ordered to have a forensic psychiatric asessment.

psychiatrist has said its probably due to his mother to some extent,the rest,its just him!

[ItsGraceAgain]

For a clinical diagnosis of ANY personality disorder, certain conditions have to exist, including onset during adolescence or early adulthood and certain persistent & uncontrollable patterns of thought.

There is very strong evidence that personality disorders are associated with having suffered abuse or neglect during childhood.

Several physical and mental illnesses can produce symptoms just like personality disorders. So can things such as a head injury (particularly to the front of the head) and some congenital conditions.

Even with patterns of thought & behaviour that are identical to a PD, you would not get a PD diagnosis unless the specific criteria had been met - if it had been caused by, say, a motorbike accident, you would have damage to the prefrontal cortex but NOT a PD diagnosis.

So the question is: Why do you need a diagnosis? If the patterns of thought & behaviour cause you distress, and the person cannot or will not change (probably because she sees no reason to change), then that is what you have to deal with and no diagnosis will make it go away.

I'm all too aware that having a label to hang on the behaviours is useful. It helps you to disengage with the unhealthy patterns, and makes it easier to discuss with other people. As far as that goes, I think that Googling "narcissistic mother" will give you plenty to work with!
Good luck.

[Snorbs]

The traits that are exhibited in most Personality Disorders are very common in the general population - the difference is a matter of degree. If you're having a really bad day then you could see things in a rather black and white way or even be a bit paranoid for example. The next day, though, you've cheered up a bit and realised that the previous day you blew things out of proportion.

With Personality Disorders, that kind of thing is much more pervasive and affects the whole sense of self.

Given what you've said I think you might get quite a lot out of a couple of books, one called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the other "Understanding the Borderline Mother". Both of these books are aimed at friends/family of people with Borderline Personality Disorder. That's not to say that I think the person under discussion has Borderline Personality Disorder - yes, there are some similar traits, but it doesn't sound like it's as deep and profound a problem as BPD can be. Rather, I think that some of the techniques discussed in those books for building a healthier relationship with someone who has BPD might be useful in your situation.

[GypsyMoth]

those books would never have helped me. my ex h isnt a person you can live with. nobody can

and only a part of his hideous-ness is the personality disorder...the rest is him!