new man just been sacked

[susia]

Hi, just met a lovely new man a couple of months ago. Think is really nice and things should go very well but...this week he got sacked, I think really unfairly. He is obviously devastated and will appeal etc..

Just really worried that this is such a bad time for the job market, how it will affect our relationship and what will happen to his self esteem. We haven't yet had sex though have come close and really worried about how things will be for us starting a new relationship with him losing his job.

To make matters more complicated I will shortly inherit some money and could help (he is taking about retraining but couldn't afford to be out of work). But it's such early days in our relationship that I don't think I can or should

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I don't think this means you should stop seeing him at all. But there is NO WAY you should offer to help out financially. Imo, only if you are married or in a proper long term living together relationship should money get mixed up. I would not mention your inheritance yet.

[susia]

no you are right about the money, I would love to help but it could emasculate him and it wouldn't be right at this stage.

But just really worried him losing his job is going to impact on our relationship, his self esteem and it is really bad timing.

[groundhogs]

If it sounds unfair, it very possibly is. If the company have not followed protocol, he could have a chance to get some cash, help with retraining, re-employment etc.

That will keep him pretty busy, you can of course support him emotionally should you so wish.

DO NOT, I repeat do NOT pay over anything to him to retrain, the chances of you getting money back out of him, are at best slim. This is the case with pretty much everyone.

"Friends and Money are like Oil and Water, They just don't Mix.." to quote Warren Buffett... and he ought to know..

I'm sure he can get help from the benefit people with courses etc.

You barely know him, are not that involved with him, keep your mouth zipped about the inheritance, and your hands in your pocket.

How long would it take you to save the amount you are about to inherit??? It is not to be squandered.

Don't lend any money to anyone, especially not inheritance money. Money is not to be given away.

Don't allow yourself to be suckered in.

[susia]

thank you. I am also worried for him and want to support him but it isn't a good way to start a new relationship is it? it is all such bad timing.

[TheFantasticFixit]

Groundhogs you are so very wise. I've read a few of your posts and am impressed each and every time with your knowledge and good advice.

I'm in absolute agreement thought with GH and with BTR - don't give over any money. It is your money and it doesn't sound like there is enough commitment or assurance in the relationship to give him financial support. And to be honest, you could probably use the money more wisely. He needs to see JSA about sorting out some money in the meantime and see if he is able to get any other support whilst he is appealing against the decision.

Other than that, I don't see any reason for your not to keep seeing him, after all, so many times it takes something like this to absolutely cement a relationship and I'm sure it will yours. Just be supportive and listen to his concerns and give sound advice and you'll be fine!

[susia]

ok will definately not lend him money but really worried how this will impact on our relationship

[susia]

.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

well susia, you can either dump him and never give the relationship a chance, or keep going, give him good support on this difficult issue and see how things work out!

why don't you just roll with it and not assume it will all be negative? sounds like you want a "get out without feeling guilty about kicking a man when he's down" clause, but i'm not going to give you that!

if you like him enough, then you will stick around while he's having a hard time, that's all there is to it really.

[susia]

no I'm not trying to 'get out without feeling guilty..' I really want it to work but just worried about how it will affect our relationship.

[toomuchmonthatendofthemoney]

are you a natural worrier? don't pre-empt problems, you may get what you wish for...self fulfilling prophecies and all that.

maybe just say to him that you appreciate your relationship is in early days, but you would like to help and support (emotionally) him and hope he feels he can talk to you if he is finding it tough. Leave it at that, then he knows how you feel and that you are open to being a shoulder for him, and that's all you need to do for now, i'd say.

Plan a few cosy inexpensive nights in so that he doesn't feel he has to splash the cash he will not have for a while to impress you, and that might help him too.

[RubyPink]

as toomuch says... if you like him, stick around and try talking to him about it
If he really is lovely give him a go!

[TheFantasticFixit]

I think Susia is right to worry to a certain extent.. they have just met and this is a huge thing for any couple to go through in terms of emotional support. But just let him talk about his fears Susia, he will have many of them, but at the same time be supportive and have a good time when you are together to take his mind off the work problems.

Some men can feel emasculated when they lose financial consistancy so like toomuch says i would just plan some inexpensive cosy nights in, long romantic walks, when the weather warms up picnics and things like that and you will be fine.

[TheFantasticFixit]

Sorry for the spelling and grammar mistakes.. have had a glass of wine or two!

[groundhogs]

Toomuchmonth & FantasticFixit, fabulous advice!

Like any relationship Susia, it may or may not work. It'll depend greatly on HIM, his ability to rise to the challenge and to stay positive.