Thinking of an alternative reality future

[Enchilada81]

Why is it, that whenever I think of the future I don't picture DH in the scene?

Well I suppose it's obvious isnt it?

Has anyone ever done this though? play along with happy families when you know full well you don't intend to be there for much longer?

When everything is ok, I don't think about it and my subconsience goes back to thinking everything is fine. But whenever I catch myself looking to the future, DH is never there with me. No matter how well we've been getting on or how good the day has been.

I always imagine myself happy as a single parent. Free. Sometimes, I even imagine myself with a "boyfriend" ... a weekend/evening boyfriend ...

I know how immature all this sounds. I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever been through this and what happened in the end?

I was going to namechange for this but I can't be bothered. If I get flamed, I get flamed

[NicknameTaken]

In my case, these daydreams got me out of an abusive marriage!

[GypsyMoth]

i played along in my marriage...bided my time. i was in an abusive relationship,so played it all out in my mind,ironing out the creases as i went along...

i am a single parent with a boyfriend....as you describe,and am really very happy!

have no desire to have a man living with me again

[mrsmharket]

have been in same position - i always knew deep down i woudl be single parent, stopped in the relationship and even managed to fool myself that i was happy for a while. i am now free and have been for 2 and 1/2 years and could be bit happier but am lots better off emotionally

[Enchilada81]

I would never live with anyone again. I suppose there are always drawbacks of every scenario and there are things I'd miss about living with someone. There are things I'd miss about DH too.

But I crave ... and I mean CRAVE ... a place of my own. A place where I can just do whatever the hell I want.

Here is a scenario I often play out in my mind:

I come home from work, flop on the sofa and put on the news. There are pots in the sink but they'll stay there until I'm ready.

Kids come home from school. We chat, we have a laugh, they make noise without being told off, they ask if they can have something from the kitchen and I say confidently "yeah, course you can!" because I won't get into trouble this time ... I don't have to sneak them stuff ... I can do whatever the hell I want.
Then the kids busy themselves. I decide I don't like the clock so I take it down and put up a piece of art work. I'm allowed because nobody else is here to kick off. I decide to stay up until 11.30pm "playing" on facebook and its ok ... nobody will shout at me or give me the silent treatment for days because I'm allowed to do this now. It's "MY" house.

(((carries on dreaming whilst everyone else clicks off thread ... )))

[NicknameTaken]

Sounds like your "D"H is not a great person to be around. It's a modest enough dream to have! If he's kicking off about things the whole time, I'd say dream away and then make your dreams a reality!

[cestlavielife]

make it reality. why wait?

i remember in cousnelling telling the therapist how i had envisaged me adn nowexP would gradaully drfit apart "when the dcs grow up" as clearly it was impossible to live together ..she asked the question "but why wait til then? what do you gain?"

helped me to see i had a choice. by not acting i was choosing to stay in an abusive relationship walking on eggshells...

you have a choice.

you can make your dream a reality or you can chose not to.

[mrsmharket]

i used to feel like you sweetheart, always constantly walking on eggshells, it's not a good life for you and not for your children either. it's all well and good for us to tell you to make a choice but it's not the easiest thing in the world is it? you keep on hoping they will change but they won't really; if they do, it's like they're putting on an act and sooner or later they revert to type.

having said that, however, please do yourself and your children a huge favour and sort this out before it escalates. having to 'sneak them stuff' is not good sweetheart

[mrsmharket]

i'm not saying that things may or may not be difficult but you do have a choice, as cestlavie said.

you can do this

[donttormentyoursister]

Hi enchilada, i rarely post here, but i could have written your post, pretty much word for word.

Sadly, i don't have any words of advice,- I have absolutely no idea how things are going to pan out. But I thought I would reply so you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

I keep telling myself that long term relationships go through these types of phases (especially those with young children), and that i will come out the other side feeling more positive about him someday. I really hope that happens, because he is trying so hard to make things right. I'm not in an abusive relationship, although he can be aggressive. I'm just in a rubbish one.

Take care.

[Enchilada81]

Thanks for the replies.

I sometimes feel guilty because he has no idea I want to leave him (or maybe he does but doesn't let on?).

Before we got together me and the kids went away for days, went on holidays abroad, had a laugh etc and now we have no hope of a holiday (ever) because DH has got us into so much debt (stuff he had before we married that he never told me about), we can't go out in the school holidays because if he's at work he moans that he can't come with us.

The other day he walked in loads of mud all over the carpet from the garden. I didn't really care, it will clean.

But two days later I accidently did the same thing and he had a go at me.

One minute he's fine, having a laugh, being sweet ... next minute something annoys him and he's screaming and shouting at me.

I just wish I'd never got married. Me and the kids were so much happier on our own.

I will leave. I just need to plan it and make the break. (and perhaps grow a pair ... or the female equivalant!)

[BertieBotts]

Yes, I used to feel like that. Thinking "I have the rest of my life to live.. what is a few more months here". I looked forward to the life without my partner, didn't feel worried about being a single mum, coping etc (I was doing everything anyway) - it was just the process of leaving I was scared of, all the upheaval, the way I would have to hurt everyone, I would feel like it was my fault. I could tell my partner was trying as well and I felt bad because I felt like I was going to completely crush him and say his efforts weren't enough. I appreciated them, but TBH it was just too late - I had already moved on, mentally.

When I finally told someone I wanted to leave, they gave me the push to get out and I did it with support. I don't know whether I would have been able to do it on my own.. but it was actually not as bad as I thought it would be. I feel much freer now, I can be myself, do the things I want to do - be single, which I am enjoying at the moment

You don't have to stay in a bad relationship. You deserve better - even if better is being single for the moment. If you "make do" with someone you might miss the opportunity to meet the right person. I will go and find that old thread about deserving better - sounds like it could do with a bump

[BertieBotts]

Read this! (Just the first post if in a rush)

[Niftyblue]

Remember that from last Feb
Its sooooo true

Still banging my head against a brick wall and daydreaming

[mrsmharket]

enchilada can i suggest something? if there's a trusted friend or family member, can i suggest that you start getting important things together and perhaps some cash (if possible) and leave it there, in case you need to leave suddenly.

[mrsmharket]

how was your weekend sweetheart ?

[Isityouorisitme]

enchilada - my H is not abusive like yours, but I can really identify with what you said.

donttormentyoursister - I feel exactly like that!