bit of a crisis about my son's name

[Unlikelyamazonian]

I am having second thoughts about changing ds's surname to my own and could do with some advice.

I am divorced from his father and have reverted to my maiden name. His father has had no contact with ds since he was 6 months old. He is now 2 and a half and knows himself and calls himself by my surname (ie maiden name).

To change his name 'formally' I have to get exh's permission or at least show a court that i have tried (I don't know really where he is or how to contact him anymore)

I could do this but know that I cannot ever change his actual birth certificate.

But my thoughts/worries all of a sudden are, might he be angry with me when he is older for somehow 'changing his identity'?? Should I preserve his original birth name? Double barrel it (ie his father's and my maiden name)to keep the connection?

None of his father's family are in contact, nor are his half sisters who are known by the father's surname.

His father disappeared abroad and pays no maintenance. I still live where we lived when married (quite a small town) and the father's case has recently been in the local paper (he had been lying at the school where he taught)

Any thoughts? I don't know why this is keeping me awake at night but it is. I would need to act fast as ds doesn't know his 'birth' surname to say, at all.

ps I have not acted out of 'vengeance' in calling ds by my surname. I feel that since the father abandoned him so young and none of that side of his family have any contact with ds, he should not have to carry the name.
Plus ds is beautiful, pure, and I feel calling him by his awful father's surname somehow soils him. I could not imagine saying that name out loud - calling him at the school gates etc.

Am I in the wrong?

[Unlikelyamazonian]

His father's surname is unusual by the way

[Trifle]

I would have absolutely no hesitation in giving him your surname. It will make life far easier in the future, far less complicated in ways that you havent come across yet (think doctors, school, hospital, passport, the list is endless when him not having your surname is a pain in the ass). You are hardly taking away his 'identity' what, that of a useless tosser of a father, some 'identity'. Absolutely do it.

[ajandjjmum]

What about adding his father's surname as a third name (sort of!!) - and assuming he has a middle name - before your own surname. That way he has the option in the future, but you can just use his Christian name plus your surname.

[alarkaspree]

If I understand you correctly, your son knows himself by your surname - so that's his 'identity'. He is just likely to get confused if people at school etc. call him by his father's name.

I wouldn't have any hesitation at all at giving him your name. You could add his father's surname as another middle name I suppose.

[wilbur]

Sounds to me like your ex-h has no right to have his son carry his name, so I would change it, if you can. In time, you can talk to your ds kindly about who his dad was and explain why you made your decision and that he can make his own choice when he is older. I would be open about it as possible.

BTW - I have a half sister who I didn't know existed until I was 35, she started life with my dad's surname but changed it to her stepdad's name when she was about 8 as he was her true dad and raised her. My father was a wonderful man and a great father to me, but he was not able to be a parent to my half sister and quite rightly, she does not have his name.

[WorzselMummage]

I would have no hesitating changing it either.

I have read your other post and think, tbh that your son is likely to grow up wanting as little linking him to his father as is possible.

[MissLemon]

Hi UA, it's me Maggie from the NPD thread. Namechanging because some fuccker outed me.Will change again now.

I have this dilemma at the back of my mind too.. My children have their Dad's sur name and he's pays no maintenance. He might give his permission if I said, look I won't go after you for money through the courts if you sign this.

It just doesn't seem right does it? I asked my dc1 if she would like to just use my sur name but unfortunately she just stared blankly back at me.

My son is only four so I could change his and he'd think nothing of it, and I have thought about it before he starts school. Would it be weird to have a daughter with one sur name and a son with My sur name??

Like you, it's not just a petty point-scoring exercise. My children have family and uncle and grandparents with my sur name. We are their family. It would be nice if the people who're their for them were obviously their family....

I hate being called MrsAggressiveControllingBastard as well and it keeps happening. TEachers, their friends' mums, health care workers... it is kind of shuddery.

I have no advice. I'm going to follow this thread with interest.

[TotalChaos]

agree with trifle. you can always keep the fathers name as an extra middle name.

[groundhogs]

You can call him by any name that is not on the birth certificate, and you don't even have to do this by deed poll. Deed poll does need consent by all those that have parental responsibility, certainly until he is 18.

As soon as you can evidence it, he can get identity documentation in it etc etc.

No, you can't change the birth certificate I don't think, but he can be known as for school etc, and then you can have his passport etc in the adopted name (your surname) in time.

[lilmissmummy]

I changed both my childrens name by deed poll with no problems at all. Like you both my children called themselves by my name and if their real names had been called out then they would not have known who that was.

It was really easy I did it by deed poll and although I have no contact with xp I do have contact with xp's mother and she agreed that this was the best thing to do for the children. My children were 5 and 1 when I changed their names they are now 8 (nearly 9) and 5 and I have never had any problems or issues. whenever their birth certificates are asked for I give a copy of their deed poll and there is not a problem.

IMHO it is the best thing for both of you x

[Unlikelyamazonian]

His father's surname is not a use-able middle name so that wouldn't work.

It is a real conundrum because I have no idea how he will feel about his father's actions as he grows up - I mean I can try to guide him gently and nicely (not slagging his father off, remaining quite neutral about him) but at this stage I don't know what is for the best.

I feel especially sensitive about this because I myself am a different name on my birth-certificate (christian name though) and it has been a bloody nuisance all of my life. My parents called me something different from age 2 and then changed it again when I was about 7.

My marriage certificate is a mess of aliases.
My passport is in my birth name.
My Uni degree is in the name I had at 18.

It is a real nuisance.

Like someone said it's nothing to do with point scoring, (the father is not in our lives to point score against!) it's just I don't want my lovely boy to carry his father's blackened surname



thanks for your replies.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Lilmiss that's interesting - are their passports in your name then? Can you produce a deed poll certificate for even that?

Ds already has a passport (I was afraid his father might try to snatch him and take him abroad at the time and was advised to apply for one fast so that he couldn't. How funny is that looking back!)

I have re-registered him at the doctor and at potential schools, under my surname; that wasn't a problem - didn't need to produce anything.

I am having wobbles fundamentally, because I am getting over what happened (TO ME) and see my ds as an individual with his own history and whether I like it or not, he had a father and we were married and he was registered under that name.

But I just cannot bear the thought of having to know ds by his father's name throughout his life.

Conflicting feelings

[geordieminx]

I know where you are coming from re the mixture of names - I had my dad's name unitl I was 18, then got it changed by deed-poll when I was 18, to first name and then the middle name I was christened with with as you know is a workable surname, then having gotton married recently I have a different name again. Very confusing - especially as I havent got round to changing everything!

I think I would be temepted to go down the root of trying to prove to the courts that you have tried to contact ex, and try and see if you can change it officially that way - then at least you can have all of his id and such like (with the exception of birth certificate) in the same name - esp important for things like passports?

[MissLemon]

if I do nothing and leave my children's names as they are, I do hope that one day they will change their names of their own accord. My sur name is a nice normal one. My x's sur name is like Garsey* nearly. It sounds a bit like Arsey. fgs.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Big loving hug to you geordie. Names eh? Grr. Your married name is lovely!

[Unlikelyamazonian]

MissLemon you are in a more difficult position as your dcs are older so I can imagine yes that must be difficult.

Who outed you btw? Will have a look at the NPD thread. That's not good form frankly.

[countingto10]

It would make life less complicated if you both had the same surname (no awkward questions etc). It can be very confusing having to different surnames in a family.

I kept my 1st H's surname after seperation/divorce to my DS1 would have the same name as me. His father cut off all contact/maintenance when he was 6 and when I met DH. I kept 1st H's surname and so did DS1 but DS2 had his dad's surname (cue lots of confusion at schools/hospitals). When I married DH, I asked DS1 who's surname he wanted as he would be the only one in the family with that name - he chose to keep his father's name "as everyone knows me by it".

As far as contacting the father concerned, we looked into my DH adopting DS1 but decided against it as we would have needed his father's permission and didn't want to open that particular can of worms (as at that time we had had no contact with him for over 5 years).

You can change his name by deed poll (our solicitor advised us of this).

[geordieminx]

Get in done woman

" If the father has parental responsibility, is absent and his whereabouts is not known, you can apply for a Deed Poll but you need to support your application with a letter of consent, which should include information about what reasonable measures you have taken to contact the absent father - for example, writing to the father's last known address and contacting relatives and friends of the father etc. The letter should also include details of the period of absence by the father and examples of the father's lack of interest, for example, no maintenance payments and no Christmas or birthday cards or presents received by your child. See Example letter 4a (opens new window) on our example letters of consent page"

If the father will not consent to your child's name change or you wish to guarantee the acceptance of your child's Deed Poll, you should consider applying to your local family court for leave (permission) to change your child's name by Deed Poll without the father's consent. A court will give permission if it believes it will be in your child's best interests to allow the name change. The court will take into account the degree of commitment of the father to your child and the quality and frequency of the contact between the father and your child when deciding if the name-link between the father and your child can be broken.

Taken from here

[mrsboogie]

You should stick to using your name. If you call him by another he will end up getting called different surnames by different people. So, blacked father's name AND confusion for the child. Worst of all possible worlds.

[lilmissmummy]

I applied for their passports and didnt have any problems, I sent in their original birth certificates and their deed poll along with the letter from the solicitor that xp has no contact, is not contactable and has not been for (at the time 2 years). They asked questions like:- has he paid maintenance, has he sent birthday or christmas cards or presents, would the child recognise them etc. My solicitor who helped me change their name also sent me advise on applying for a passport and there is a special section it goes through (I move in 2 days so all the paperwork is in a box).

The way I saw it was that xp does not want to be their father and the children do not know or remember who he is. They see themselves as my name and who am I to take away their identity by keeping their original surname.

I think for me it was slightly easier as xp was very violent and ds (then 5) remembered this and did not want to be associated with him. It was his choice to change his name (as much of a choice a 5 year old has )

Of course I have kept all documentation and letters from the solicitor and both my children have contact with xp family my decision has been supported by them as they felt it gave the children security.

[susie100]

I remember your initial thread, at least I think it was you? Did the father go to Thailand?
You strength and resolve was incredible and I hope you and your ds are doing very well now.

I would change the name. Can you write the father at the last known address, his parents address or something like that? At least you will have tried? Not sure what the rules are on changing a name. Can you prove abandonment?

[lilmissmummy]

Hi Susie yes he did, we are all very well have moved and I got married a couple of months ago and expecting baby no. 3.

Sorry to thread hijack!

The solicitor wrote to his last known address, when there was no response then the court hand delivered a letter to his last known address and because he was not there then they agreed the deed poll with no intervention from him.

[FabIsDoingPrettyWell]

It seems to me the reason he doesn't know his birth surname because you have never told him it.

I think you are wrong to change it but I expect I will be in a minority of one.

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Lilmiss and susie that's all a bit confusing. Susie, yes my ex did go to Thaialdn.

I am not lilmiss howevere - sounds like her ex did the same!

I (UA) am not remarried or expecting anything other than the bin men to arrive (god willing) tomorow morning

fabisdoing well no I didn't tell him because he couldn't sit up let alone talk when his dad left and I was a total total wreck.

I had to kind of 'choose' an identity for him for the sake of things like registering him for nursery, what they shouted out in the doctor's clinic or hospital apptmts etc - he had a few of these as he had clicky hips plus I was monitored by SS for 6 months after the father ran away because I had a breakdown and he was removed from me for a few nights

and yes, I chose mine.

I am now trying to fairly reconsider whether this is the right thing to do by him, which is the point of my post.

Now he is older and I am much further down the line - divorced from this man and don't know where he is I mean - I am thinking about that decision a bit more closely.

Geordie many thanks for the link. I must be a daft bugger not to have found it myself.



Very helpful X

This has spurred me on.
Also, lilmiss
"The way I saw it was that xp does not want to be their father and the children do not know or remember who he is. They see themselves as my name and who am I to take away their identity by keeping their original surname." This is very good. Thankyou too

[susie100]

I am glad you are both doing well. I can't believe there are so many men that would do such a thing and I am glad that you are both doing well and on the road the recovery.

Unlikelyamazonian - I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. Best of luck to you (your little boy is a right stunner as well!)