Need help with heavy drinker

[Pinklady34]

Ladies,

I need advice on what to do about my DH. DH has been a drinker all of his adult life. This used to be just part of how he was, and I saw it as his business what he did with his money and his free time. However, now that we have 2 young children its becoming a big problem. He drinks about 80-100 units a week, drinking every night.

Those of you who have been in the same position will understand all the fall out from this so I won't detail it all, needless to say our family is in serious crisis and I need to do something before it gets any worse. I need advice on what to do.

In particular, I am looking for alternative to trying to get him to go to AA. I know him and he wouldn't go, and their methods would not suit him at all anyway.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Pinklady

Harsh and as difficult as the following will be to read you cannot rescue and save someone who ultimately does not want to be saved.

He will not seek help unless he accepts he needs help. That may never happen. There are no guarantees here. You cannot make him seek help and with all due respect to yourself you're actually the last person who can help him.

You can only save yourself and any children you have here by no longer enabling him and or taking responsibility for his actions. You need support for your own self and Al-anon would be a good starting point for you.

Growing up too in a house where a parent has a drink problem will do your children no favours at all. It will damage them as it already has you. You're all caught up in his alcoholism as much as he is; the whole family need help and support when it comes to alcoholism.

[Sunflowersintherain]

Pinklady - I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound very strong in your post but I'm guessing it's not always easy to be so, especially when you're trying to protect your children.

I would second what Attila said. You cannot, unfortunately, rescue someone from their addiction. Alcohol is a particularly pernicious one because it is legal and acceptable to drink, shielding addicts from facing up to their problem. My mother is an alcoholic and didn't address her drinking until after we (the children) had all left home. She was beyond help, having tried all medical avenues when she went to an AA meeting in utter desperation. She was/is a bit of a snob and hates to talk about feelings, but AA saved her. Really. She's just celebrated her 17th year of sobriety. She has told us that none of us could have got her there, or kept her there by anything we did. She was desperate and had hit her "rock bottom." You could accelerate this, but unless your husband faces up to the fact that he needs help, he won't go looking for it.

I went to al-anon for a few years, after my mother had stopped drinking because her problems had a huge bearing on my childhood which I carried through to when I had my own children. It is a great organisation (they have a helpline where you can talk to someone who will understand what you are going through), and it is worth going to several different meetings until you find one that feels right. Your husband will probably hate what you are doing, but it might make him think about the effect he is having on his family. Here's hoping. Good luck. x

[Sunflowersintherain]

AA methods ought not to have helped my mother either but I really believe having seen her through it, that a 12 step programme is the only thing that works. Antabuse pills etc do not address the psychology.

[cestlavielife]

what does he say?
does he recgonize he has an issue?
has he tried AA?
how can you or him know until he has tried?

you dont need to look for an alternative for him - he has to.

you need to concentrate on yourself (eg al anon) and leave him to decide if he wants to take steps or not.

if he doesnt - is for you to set out the consequences of that action.

so long as you take it on to find something alternative etc -then if it does not work - it will be your fault and he will have a get out clause.

[zoggs]

My brother is an alcoholic. He had to reach rock bottom to admit to himself he had a problem. He was breathalysed and found to be 4 times over the limit which could have resulted in a custodial sentence. Only than did he seek help.

Totally agree that your DH has to make this decision himself. Out of interest, does he drive to work each day? If so, he may well be over the limit.