Caught DH out today and wants me to be amicable

[Jade4]

Hi,

Just after New Year decided after a fall out with DH that we need to separate. Been to relate last Spring and since then and before no change.

Works late, ignores me most of the time apart from a morning and hello when he goes to work and comes back.

Anyhow wanted him to move out to give us some space but refused until Today!

I have not be able to check his mobile phone coz he has kept it locked. This morning managed to see his mobile and emails and there is my face there is was.

A email from a woman saying thank you for the lovely flowers, chocolates, teddy and was saying alot more about how great it was they moonshine ....dont know what that means does anyone and what a hell of a night we had.

So, I have confronted him about and called his mobile after the last 2 months he has been saying things like am I having an affair which I am not or met anyone and he is having a inappropriate relationship legal terms my friend called it when she filed for divorce.

I told him that I will pack his suitcase and he can come and collect it whe the kids are in bed as I dont want them being upset. He then turns up at the house and trys getting in when I sent him this text saying come later when kids asleep. My Son then gets upset and starts crying as we are arguing and put me in a difficult position. I did not want this to happen like this.

If our son wasn't at home I would have punched him in the face or thrown things at him but I had to contain myself.

He said he met her in florida he went there in January and he is not having an affair. Don't believe him.

You don't send flowers, etc (mentioned above) to someone for the sake of it. I have told him he has to leave the house as I have had enough and need some space.

He wants me to be amicable and allow him back in the house tomorrow so we can separate that way and be reasonable. Who does he think I am.

Can I change the locks on the house without getting in to trouble legally girls?

How can I trust him when it now confirms to me he has been playing away from home. All this time my gut instinct the last 10 months have been right.

So cross and upset I can tell you.

[Sassa]

Hi there

I regret to advice that it may be illegal eviction! Also, if the house is in joint names, he is within his rights to change the locks to allow himself entry providing that he does not breach the peace. I can understand how you feel. Invite him to leave and if he doesn't go, perhaps consider mediation or a solicitor's letter you think it needs something more official?

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

[Jade4]

thanks for that harjit. I have aleady a month ago and he had been to one too to see if we could go with collerative law for our separation but my solicitor didn't think it would work as he has been dishonest about money and lots more too long to write now.

How can I go down this road legaly when he has been playing away from home.

Feel like just going for divorce now as before we were just going to separate and see how we got on.

Will go to Citizen advice bureau tmrw as solicitor wants me to start paying her as she gave me one half an hour free advice which everyone is entiitled too.

[AnyFucker]

look at definition number 7 here

what a nasty piece of work, I am so sorry

[sadperson123]

Poor you.

Have you got a mortgage ? if so is it in joint names ? Is your H on the deeds of the house ? If so I don't think you can legally change the locks as it is still his asset and property.

I had a very similar situation, where I had all my instincts telling me my H was up to something:-

a) Totally withdrawn from me, and like you only saying morning and goodnight.

b) No affection from him ever, even when instigated by me.

c) Telling me that he didn't like, or love me anymore and finding fault with everything I did.

The list goes on, eventually I found some evidence and told him to go, but like your H my H refused.

You are in the very early stages at the moment. My H eventually agreed to move out (This was after 6 weeks of us living together but at a total standoff). He was due to move out on the 2nd Jan, but didn't leave until the following week.

It was all very hard on our DS, who had to live through the atmosphere. But our DS survived it, and is now OK.

I was also very angry at the start and wanted to cut up his clothes, ring the OW, scream and shout, but it went in the end and I just ended up feeling sad.

The next few days will be very hard for you, as you will feel so angry and let down by your H, as he has spent the last 10 months lying to you about this OW. Have you got people in RL to go to for support ? My friends have been (and continue to be) really fantastic, they have listened to me rant and rave and cry and sob, but I don't know what I would have done without them. That along with MN,s who are there to reply to your rants at any time of the day or night, such lovely people.

If it's anything like me, at least you will now know that you weren't going mad, and that all your suspicions were true.

Take care

[BelleDameSansMerci]

AF definitions 9 and 12 were also rather illuminating...

Jade I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[AnyFucker]

bloody hell, belle

I stopped reading at number 7

[Sassa]

Hi Jade4

Please feel free to mail me if you don't want to put personal details on the thread. I agree that collaborative law is expensive if one doesn't play ball. Or, google my name for contact details.

Best regards

Harjit Sarang

[overmydeadbody]

Just divorce the man, amicably.

You are just prolonging the pain and suffering by draging it all out like this.

[Whizzywigg]

Sorry to hear this. It must have been a big shock, and he is being an arse.

Unfortunately, your discovery changes how you feel, but it doesn't really change the legal position.

English law has a no blame divorce culture - and while you could divorce him for adultery, it doesn't have any effect on the end result - so arrangements for children, financial split etc will be unaffected. (Many people don't actually bother divorcing for adultery - because it is hard to prove beyond doubt they actually got jiggy with it and it tends to inflame things which ususally equals more legal bills. The polite way of doing it is to divorce on ground of unreasonable behaviour, and cite an inappropriate realtionship - as your friend did).

Regarding the house - it is a marital home. It doesn't actually matter whose name is on the deeds. Indeed, your father could have build you that house brick by brick and given it to you as an 18th b'day present - but it would still be a marital home, and as spouses, you share an equal right to live there.

The only way to change this is to divorce him. This is likely to take somewehre around 8 months (ball park) in the English system, some times longer, depending on how obstructive he wants to be..

Start thinking about how you might cope with this... the usual advice is not to move out yourself..

Good luck.

[Jade4]

sadperson, thanks for your reply and everyone else. It just confirm to me the facts like you have said all similar to me. Gosh there is more people than we realise going through this from Jan 2010 it can only get better.

DH wants to move back in and sort everything out but how can I do that when I feel so cross.
Just spoke to him about 20 mins ago and feel sick and want to be sick but nothing happening.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Of course he wants to move back in - cheeky sod. Then he won't have to pay extra to live somewhere else.

Stay angry.

Let him live with OW if she's so bloody fabulous.

[Jade4]

sassa, thought collerbrative was cheaper options on divorce and separation as estimate at £5 - 8,000 to sort. Solicitor assessed me at £10 - 15K to normal divorce. Friends and sister divorce cost alot more.

sadperson and am in the situation as you a little want him to keep away now from coming back in the house for the atmosphere for the two kids we have together. I cant go through with him being here for any length of time and still doing his washing and trying to behave amicable with the kids around.

whizzy thanks for reply but I cant live under the same roof as him for 8 months trying to sort this out.

He should understand that I cannot function and keep the kids going and myself now with him being here after today een though he legally can stay here. It stinks!

thanks everyone else for replies. friend said to me tonight who just called i should go to the doctor for some diaasinpan to help me and they dont prescribe it for longer than 2 weeks.

Really confused and cant think straight tonight.

[Jade4]

belle exactly. he wants his cake and eat it and since the new year have put up with him being here and still doing his washing and if spare dinner letting him have some too. So I have done it for two months and cant continue now not after today.

i have told him he will have to rent a room somewhere.

[AnyFucker]

good for you jade

whatever happens stop skivvying for him

you are not a domesic appliance to be used in the is way

[autumnlight]

My H ended up coming back to the marital home. Nothing to do with me. Just a practicality to him. He put so much pressure on me in the run-up to him coming back it made me very ill and I then caved in. Please be very careful.

[sadperson123]

The way I got my H to move out, was that I said if he didn't I would.

I talked it through with a solicitor, and she said that legally and financially it didn't really change anything either staying in the house or moving out, as the atmosphere was so bad, I was serious about going. We had some joint savings (Well they were his really from a bonus but I had the money in my acc because he was rubbish with money), and my solicitor said that they were joint finances, so I could have used them to pay for rent etc, and that it wouldn't affect any settlement.

So I told my H that I would go, and after about 1 week, and me looking at rental properties, he realised that I was serious, and I think he calmed down and realised the damage that it would do to our DS, so he and a friend have moved in together.

It's on the understanding that we try and sort things out, but to be honest I agreed to anything just to get him out, and now we are going to relate, but I feel so much more realxed, calm and able to say how I feel whilst at relate, as before if I tried to talk to him, he would completely go mad and call me all sorts of awful things, whereas at relate he can't do that.

Has your H agreed to try relate ? is he trying to get back together (my H just thinks I need time to calm down - idiot !), if your H wants to stay together he may move out for a short time, if you say that you will try and make it work (Even if you don't want to just say anything to get some peace !).

It's such a horrible time, and I;m sure your head is all over the place. I also ended up at the doc's and am on Citilopram AD's, it was something I always said I would never do, but to be honest if I hadn't I don't know how I would be coping now...! Maybe just make an app and see what they say ? you may only have to take them for a short while, and my GP said they weren't addictive.

Take care and keep posting.

[autumnlight]

My H is such a person that he would never move out if that did not suit 'him'. It is of no consequence how it affects anyone else. But he is a narcissist.