new man talks about his divorce - too much?

[TopoftheMorning]

I need some objective advice please.

Have met new man.
He is v nice, I like him a lot, we get on and talk about lots of things. He is very family oriented which is particularly great (totally accepting that i have dc, very close to his own dc)

He has been separated for over a year, his wife had an affair and has shacked up with her OM, the divorce is underway but is pretty hard work and clearly takes up a good deal of his emotional energy.

It doesn't seem to leave much for me (emotional energy that is, we do chat about subjects other than his divorce and family ishoos).

Relationship thing is new for me since exit of H, I am not massively fussed about hearts and flowers and declarations of love, especially this early in the day - I am a slow burn rather than leap into love type.

But I am worried that I'm perhaps being taken for granted here.

Should I
a) write him off on the basis of talking about his divorce a lot / not perhaps being in the right place for a relationship

b) ask him to stop talking about it so much and possibly suggest that he needs to be a leetle bit more interested in my emotional status (have had a pretty rough ride myself, but is further in the past than his, so I don't need to talk about it so much, though I would like to offload occasionally)- with the danger that he then feels he can't talk about it (and feels resentful) or feels that I am being rather demanding myself

c) accept that right now he needs support and someone on his side who is willing to listen, and play a longer "game" - ie when divorce is done he will have more energy, and also I will have been there for him rather than walking away / "demanding" more from him at a time when he is trying to cope with incredibly demanding and irrational almost-ex-wife.

Thank you if you've read this far, much longer than I intended!

Off to sort bath and bed, will be back later though.

[annatw9]

he probably doesnt realise how much he is talking to you about the divorce; im sure that, if he is keen and wants to pursue a relationship with you, he will cut down on it if you gently tell him it makes you a little uncomfortable and suggest that he uses a good friend to offload onto. dont give up on him for a while, he sounds very nice but fragile at the moment, that will change. however , in order for your relationship to have a proper chance, you should not be his shoulder to cry on really. hope it works out for you.

[TopoftheMorning]

thanks anna - I like the idea of asking about support from his friends. Don't want to come across as grumpy about it. I think most of his friends are probably "joint" friends, he and his wife got married v young, so that may be why he is talking things through with me.

re the shoulder to cry on, I think this is what concerns me a bit. It's a toss up between being the prop / taken for granted, or being the helpful support who hangs in there for better times.

will have to do a bit more thinking - would be grateful for other views please!!

[TopoftheMorning]

thanks anothermum. v helpful as it made me realise I don't want to do a) - so I think I should do b) as gently as I can...

[expatinscotland]

a)

[sugartits]

DH and I had both been married before we met, his split was a couple of years before and mine fairly recent. We probably both talked too much about our exes and eventually one day one of us (honestly can't remember who) suggested we stop. So we did and now many many years later it's ancient history. I think we had to get it all out first.

Could you try that? Say that it's time to stop wallowing in the past and enjoy the present. If that doesn't work then run for the hills.

[mrscynical]

After my separation I felt great, totally liberated and eager to get out there and make new friends and start dating again.

In the first year, mainly through making a whole new life for myself which included a great circle of friends (more important than a man in view) I started going out for dates. I could not believe the amount of blokes who bleated on and on about their exes or the impending divorce. I seriously thought about charging as a head doctor. The one thing they all had in common was that they were the dumped ones. One bloke took me out to a fab restaurant where for two and half hours he talked non-stop about how horrible and vile his ex was for dumping him and making his life miserable. At the end of the evening, when he had not asked me one question about myself, he claimed that "he had had one the best evenings out for ages and could not wait to meet up with me again." I told him it was one of the most boring evenings I had ever had and I never wanted to be bored by him ever, ever again. I actually felt I wanted to meet his soon to be ex wife and congratulate her for being shot of him.

Don't be the rebound, let another woman listen to his gripes and hope to meet a chap a bit further on down the line and definitely one who is actually divorced so you don't become his sounding board for the whys and wherefores in the whole boring process.

I actually think a dumped man is more bitter than a woman in the same situation.

[ninah]

have to agree with mrs cynical

[aseriouslyblondemoment]

i'm also with mrscynical and ninah
i reached the point where i actively avoided separated men
have to say that from what you've said this man isn't in the right place for a relationship
your OP said alot

[TopoftheMorning]

interesting views thank you. lots to think through. definitely have to do something about this, I can see that.

[sparkybint]

Yes, have decided to avoid separated men too but even if they're long-divorced it doesn't guarantee they're not bitter and twisted! One guy I dated had been divorced no less than 12 years so I thought he'd be over it but his ex was a recurring conversational theme! I think he'd been so damaged that he decided he was never going to get over it.

You could say something to him I suppose but sounds quite likely that he's not sufficiently far down the line yet.

[WingedVictory]

Yes, fine to be a friend to someone on the rebound, but not his/her rebound "relationship".

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I did b) with my now DH. He didn't even realise what he was doing, although things were rather simpler for us because there were no DCs involved.

I just asked him to talk about his ex and the divorce with his family or friends and that I didn't want to hear about it or her.

He was so pleased I raised it, and 5 years later we are married with 1 DC - and his ex is never even mentioned, she hasn't been for years.

[dignified]

It doesnt sound like hes ready for a relationship just yet as hes still clearly emotionally involved in his last one.

I read something the other day that said the first relationship people get into after a divorce / seperation is often a rebound one.

Sorry i couldnt stand to listen to it personally.

[nickytwotimes]

Get out.

He is still recovering form this.

DOn't be used as a counselling service.