Any receipes to help me to leave my DP ?

[Toomanyquestions]

I have been with my partner for 10 years with two children 5 & 6.

Basically, my partner is a good father and partner but he is a passive agressive. He can help me in the day to day running of the house but will leave all important decisions to me or will procrastinate until I do it and basically I am exhausted. I no longer love him but I appreciate him as a friend.

There are no major arguments between us. We've not had sex for three years.

I have tried to leave him for several months but unsuccessfully. Have you got any receipes ? Any questions I should ask myslef in order to succeed in leaving him ? How did you do ?
How to do it with a passive-agressive who always avoids real conversations and always seems to have good answers to wait longer, etc. This is driving me nuts, can you help ?

[2andcounting]

bump

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I have tried to leave him for several months but unsuccessfully." How did you try and what stopped them from working?

[Toomanyquestions]

I think what is stopping me is the kids, to an extent, but I am now getting used to the idea. Maybe also I am awaiting is agreement that we should leave, which is stupid it will never come. I am not scarred to be on my own, not a pleasant thought but not scarry either.

To be totally honest, I just can't identify what exactly is stoping me.

I can't physically leave him right now as We need to fix the house before selling it, this should take another two months.
Nevertheless I seem to be paralysed in taking this decision. I am an independant woman, I earn my leaving, no financial issues about leaving.

@2andcounting: sorry not a native speaker what "bump" means in this context ?

[ItsGraceAgain]

By posting 'bump', 2andcounting moved your topic further up the page to attract replies

You're right, you won't get his agreement or approval. The whole point of his passivity is to make you do all the work; he's unlikely to take a decision that would leave him without his workforce!

I think I understand your paralysis, as this is something I struggle with. After decades of co-dependent living, I'm very capable on others' behalf, but oddly inert when it comes to making decisions for my own benefit. I'm passive-aggressive against myself!!!

If that sounds like you, I think you need to catch yourself when you think this way. Whenever you find yourself thinking about what "he" does (and doesn't do), change your thought to "What shall I do?" It takes a bit of practise. Example: If his shirt needs ironing, change that thought to "Shall I iron that shirt?" Rehearse the fact that you have options: you may choose to leave the shirt alone.

You've identified that the house repairs are blocking your move. OK, so ask yourself: "Do I want to move? What must be done to enable the move? How shall I organise it?" Leave him out of it completely. Should you get someone in to do the work, or should you clear your weekends and do it yourself? And so ...

While doing this, it's very important to put your own needs first. Seemingly small things - like eating what you wish for; treating yourself to a luxurious bath or a night out with friends - help to realign your internal locus of control, which is necessary for 'self-efficacy'.

I'll be interested to hear whether you feel my reply is relevant to you - or do you need a different kind of approach?

[maristella]

'bump' is to add a recent addition to the thread, making it higher on the list and therefore more noticable.
with your partner you need a conversation, one in which you say what you want and what you don't want. i really don't think there is any other way

[Toomanyquestions]

Thanks for the "bump" explanation, now I know!

It'sgraceAgain, thanks for your advice. I think you are totally right in saying that I need to leave him out of it and do the work on the house.

The "shall I" is a good idea, and the answer will be that I either do it or it does not get done (he does not see a point in ironing shirts by the way). I think that's the bottom line, we have different "standards", he can live in a mess, he can leave things undone for months (not to say years) and I am the opposite. So either we have a decent house (I am not maniac but let say a sort of clean house) and I have to organise most of it (he does cook diners and hangs washing) either we live in a tip. Anything more than that I have to get done (work on the house, repairs), he just won't... and if I moan I am told I am a pain.

I think that unconsciously I still expect him to change because I beleived in our love.

[ItsGraceAgain]

I know
That's the reason we all stay, isn't it? Sad, and mad, but understandable.

Next time you post, Madam, I expect to see twice as many "I"s and half as many "he"s!
That's an order

[Toomanyquestions]

Maristella,

I have tried talking, but he always has a good answer ..not to answer: now is not the right time to sell the house, his job will surely get (financially) better which will help us, kids will grow... I honestly can't see how our intimacy will get better, it seems totally broken to me, although we have a very amicable relationship.

We do talk about the split, but he changes his mind a lot about it, so do I , it is a difficult period for both of us. I think the bottom line is that it is comfortable for him to leave with me, since I take care of the house, garden, etc. He is probably scared (more than me) to live on his own.

[Toomanyquestions]

ItsGraceAgain, you are entirely right, I will apply your receipe and let you know in a wee while how I am doing!

[Toomanyquestions]

Just thought of a question today that would help in taking the decision:

Can I see ourselves growing older together ?

A no answer would be a telling.

Any idea of any other questions ?