Finding it hard to handle a friend who's always up and down

[KoalaSar]

I have a friend who is proving difficult to handle/gauge. I'm trying to maintain our friendship but beginnning to wonder whether I should make the effort or not.

I've known her for almost five years (we were in antenatal together) but I've often found her to be a bit up and down in her moods. One minute she's really friendly, the next she's snappy and evasive.

When she's "up", we have a good laugh and see each other either individually or in a small group. When she's down, I don't know where I stand.

I had a second baby last year. She would have liked a second but it just didn't happen (she's a little older than me). We never had a direct conversation about whether she was actively trying for a baby, but she repeatedly told me she didn't think she could have any more kids and her DH used to joke about her markign a certain point of the month on the calendar (not her period).

Immediately after the birth of my second baby she was invited to drop in and see us. She seemed very keen and though she did drop by at the time we'd agreed, she assumed we were out because there was no car on the driveway. She didn't knock, just left a present on the step.

She continued to ask about coming to see the baby and made an arrangement to come at 4.30pm one afternoon but didn't show up. She sent a text at 9.30pm to say she'd been waylaid.

A few days later, she had a real blow out when I cancelled an arrangement for my child to go on a playdate to her house. I had a genuine reason to cancel but she became very upset about it and started posting stuff on Facebook saying how upset she was (I cancelled the night before, reasons related to newborn baby).

Later that month, one of our mutual friends had a party for her 40th birthday. This friend was supposed to come but sent a text at 9pm saying she was sick and wasn't coming.

The following month we had the baby christened. She was supposed to be coming but sent a text that morning to say she wasn't well and wasn't coming after all.

Things were oaky for a few months, like nothing was wrong. Then she lost her job and seems to be struggling with knowing which direction to take next. She had a well paid job working mainly from home and it's proving hard to get something similar. To make matters worse, I have just got a new job. She is now ignoring my text messages - she had an interview last week and when I texted to say good luck, she told me I had the wrong day. When I texted after the interview to ask how it went, she ignored me.

Where do I go from here? I'm concerned that she is struggling to come to terms with having lost her job but she makes it hard for me to support her.

[fiestabelle]

It is very difficult to maintain any kind of meaningful friendship when you feel you are the one doing all the running.It does sound like she could have issues relating to your new baby/job, but clearly these are her issues, and not something you should be made to feel guilty about, have you tried to talk to her about either??

I suppose ultimately it depends on how much you want to pursue the friendship, it might be worth putting the ball back in her court for a while?

[Prunerz]

I'm not sure there is anything you can do.

Either you can send her a card and say 'I would love to give you a bit more support, but I don't know if you want it' and her response will tell you; or you can just step back and accept that if she's been cancelling things right left and centre, she probably isn't that needy of your support.

Sympathies, though, it is very sad when this happens.

[KoalaSar]

I suppose the hardest thing is the mixed messages.

For example, I saw her and another friend last Sunday (we were at a birthday party) and I said it was ages since we'd all been out. We agreed that Thursdays were the best night for everyone so we'd book a table and go out. When I got home, she texted me a llist of Thursdays she couldn't do, which was all of the Thursdays in Feb and March. She also said not to wait for her to be free before booking a table.

Obviously she didn't want to come out. We went out anyway and we had a good night but it would have been nice to have seen her.

Also, she has circular conversations with me by email. For example, she launches into telling me she needs to find a job but doesn't need to work again until the autumn. When I responded to this by asking whether there was anything in the pipeline, she replied saying that she wasn't really looking.

When I responded that it would be nice to have the summer off work, she infered I was being flippant and that "if only it were that simple".

I don't understand these conversations at all and find that everything I say is wrong.

[Prunerz]

But that feeling of not being able to say the right thing, or rather, what you say with no subtext being taken as if there is a subtext...that's when you know that the friendship is not what you thought it was.

It's infuriating in a way, because it would be nice just to have it out, but there's sometimes nothing to have out, iyswim, just...a difference in personality?

[cheerfulvicky]

She sounds like she's always looking for ways to take offense/get cross at you, even when you have done nothing. Is she like this with other people also?
She could be bipolar I suppose. She does sound very very hard work... I would question why I was bothering, TBH, what I was getting out of the friendship with her.

[KoalaSar]

she doesn't seem to get cross with the other women we know but does seem to do this with her DH and with his parents.

She falls out with his parents whenever they try to offer advice (all of which is well meant, some of which is useful and some not - but she takes offense at all of it).

She's very controlling - I worked that out a while ago - and I think she has tried and failed to control me (was always sending me very directive emails, some quite aggressive in their tone). I did have that out with her and she stopped doing it.

She seems to pick people up and drop them quite a bit - has done this with another mum I know, who has mentioned it to me.

I do like her when she's on the up. I could cope when she was down if she was just down and not confusing or inconsistent.

[cheerfulvicky]

Hmm, have you tried googling toxic friends? She sounds a lot like a guy I know...

[KoalaSar]

really? I'll google that.

What's he like then?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It sounds like she's not OK at all

I honestly don't think there's much you can do - though the card, with offer of support, would be nice.

I know I really pissed everybody off when I had my breakdown. I developed quite a bad social phobia so, although I wanted to see people, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I acted quite a lot like your mate: it was a case of feeling like I "had nothing to bring to the party" IYSWIM. I was - and still am - incredibly grateful to the (very few) who had an idea of what was wrong, and managed to stay in touch in a very hands-off sort of way.

Dunno if this helps? I just think it's pointless taking this personally and/or getting cross about it, since the poor woman's plainly suffered a series of blows and it's affecting her adversely.