In emotional turmoil over rel'ship with DH

[confuseddd]

My DH and DS are currently away staying with my MIL. I should be enjoying myself but instead very tearful sat on sofa with cat. I did go out yesterday and had a gorgeous day - went shopping at to cinema, on my own.

I was telling DH about my day on the phone and he said why didn't you have lunch with a friend, condescendingly. I said it's okay to have lunch on my own isn't it, but felt the wind had gone out of my sails and quickly ended the call.

Call me high maintenance but I just need a bit of encouragement to talk. Also inhibited by fact that MIL was overhearing - she has banned me from her house due to an emotional outburst over xmas hols - I was overwrought, pregnant and DH had again dismissed me with condescending words.

MIL thinks I need professional help. But she has been very judgmental and I feel DH has done nothing to back me when issues have arisen regarding how to raise DH. I make the decisions but DH does not back me in front of his mother - I am a decisive person but I can't handle the flak I get from MIL - she is very popular, makes critical comments of my SIL who is lovely (so am fairly sure she gossips about me in similar ways), and makes spiteful remarks amidst all the charm. I find her very cutting and judgmental. When I tell DH how I feel, he says it's me and that I am oversensitive - makes me feel so alone and desperate.

Thank you if you've read all through this. All I want is a hug or for DH to listen to me without judging. How can I salvage my dignity in this situation, stop being so needy and get on with life?

[DawnAS]

I have read your post and although I can't offer any advice, didn't want it to go unanswered.

This will hopefully bump it back to the top and someone more helpful will come along! Good luck.

[JustMoon]

Why do you think your DH was being condescending? Perhaps he was genuinely thinking it would have been nice for you and it didn't come out right - men are quite crap at setting the right tone sometimes? Do you think you are oversensitive? If you are feeling emotional, hormonal or insecure this can easily turn into becoming oversensitive to people's comments. I am not saying you are but maybe try stepping back for a minute and think if there is a possibility that you are. If not then perhaps you need to have a calm talk with your husband and let him know how his comments make you feel, hopefully he will understand and make a bit more of an effort.

[DuelingFanjo]

If it were me, I would be insisting that if the MIL wants to spend time with her grand child then she should come to you, for a day or a few hours.

It sounds like your baby is quite young to be away from his mum for a long period of time. He should also be backing you up and sticking up for you if your MIL is making comments about you and your mental health.

[mumonthenet]

hmmm.

Which came first, the dh problem or the Mil problem? Perhaps you should work that out first in order to see how to address your problems.

Is it possible to resolve the situation with Mil?

Can you have a chat with your SIL...not to backbite about Mil but to get some clarity?

As a rule, if a person is undermining you or trying to pour cold water on your conversation you should simply recognise it for what it is, and say in a calm, firm voice "stop undermining me dh".

[overmydeadbody]

Are you sure you aren't just oversensitive and reading the condescending bit into his conversation? Maybe you could handle the situation better and by your responses to his seemingly condescending attitude you could turn the conversation more positive again?

You caannot change your DH's behaviour or the way he speaks to you, but you can change your response to it.

If you are prone to emotional outbursts maybe he is just treading on eggshells when speaking to you, or just fed up and assuming every conversation will be turned against him and you eill be over-emotional about it?

You do need to stop being so needy, by taking control and realising you are the only person responsible for your emotions, if you are sat on the soaf crying youtr DH is not to blame, you are. You have a choice, you can get up off the sofa, cheer up and do omething positive for yourself to make you feel better.

Take charge and take responsibility. I hope you feel better.

[diddl]

If OP has been banned then I think her husband should be backing her & refusing to go to his mothers.

That said, I don´t see how OP can refuse to let her child´s father take him to see his own mother.

But I do find it odd that OPs husband has seemingly criticised her for not lunching with a friend.

[overmydeadbody]

And also, you need to accept who your MIL is, she's not going to change so there is no point you dwelling on it or trying to critisize her to your DH, after al she is his mother, he won;t see the faults in the same way you do (just as your children will be in denial over your faults)

What was your outburst about over christmas?

[overmydeadbody]

diddl I think we should reserve judgement uintil we find out why the OP was banned form the mil's house. For all we know the mil could be well within her rights.

And just because the OP took her DH's comment about lunching aone as a critisism doesn't mean that's how he meant it, just hoe the oversensitive high maintainance OP interpretted it.

[boilinthebag]

Oh I do feel for you. I too have had a judgmental MIL, who had raised a man with no desire to explore my feelings or thoughts, but with a tendency - which I think I detect in your DH - to provide quickfix solutions in a somewhat dismissive way. An example to illustrate my comment: if I ever try to describe any difference of opinion with a close friend, or some temporary coolness, he will comment, " Yes I know, women are always falling out with their friends." Cackhanded attempt to sympathise, but deeply demeaning, generalising and stereotyping in reality. Is this a second relationship? Your mention of a SIL makes me think it is. Me too. I too need 'encouragement to talk'. If I think there is little interest shown, I will just clam up. Solution? Oh dear! 1)Have many empathetic friends but don't expect them to see the same things you see in your DH. 2)Leave now and open yourself up to finding someone more truly able to have an equal relationship. I went down the first route, but wonder daily....
He should be supporting you and refusing to go to the MIL home if you are 'banned'. Yuck what a control freak she must be. Stay proud. Stay strong.

[Pikelit]

You do sound awfully needy and ever so doleful. It must be horrid, however, being the wrong side of what should be a family visit. But I'm finding it hard to imagine what could possibly justify being banned from your MIL's house and also, why your DH appears to collude with what comes across as a very strange situation.

[confuseddd]

Thanks for replying.

Maybe I am oversensitive, and I would love to be more robust in response to clumsy or condescending comments. The smallest thing makes me clam up.

Duelingfanjo - my DS is 2, (pregnant with second baby) so he's old enough to be with just DH for a few days. I do wish that DH would stand up for me - feel I am always trying to reason him into doing this - say it over and over, but he does not rate me if his mum is around.

[JustMoon]

I have to say, if my MIL banned me from her house that would also include my children! Your DH had better be there talking sense to her! Assuming of course you didn't insult her incredibly.

[diddl]

Perhaps the problem is more the husband than the MIL?

OP it does seem that your husband thinks that his Mum is justified in banning you though.

[confuseddd]

At Christmas, I raised my voice over matter of cooking a ham and asked her to leave me to it. Felt awful for raising voice - 5 mins later - apologised.

Christmas eve - BIL had promised to pick up DH from station (he had had to work up til 24th). BIL turned up pissed as DH's train was about to get in, so I flew out of the door (with DS) saying 'thanks for nothing' to BIL on the way.

Became apparent that MIL had not accepted my apology before, as many glares, avoiding eye contact and sharp comments from her. DH confirmed she had not accepted my apology as did not think it genuine.

28th - went to pub with DH. He dismissed a point I was trying to make and I got upset and left pub. DH followed, apologising. I said leave it - need to calm down. Returned home and DH was with MIL - wanted to settle things with DH and nudged him hard to indicate I wanted to speak in private. He responded angrily - mil joined in with him in accusations. I started crying and said DH please listen to me - I was sitting on arm of sofa and MIL insisted I move to another chair. Too much for me, ran downstairs and said in raise voice 'this is too much - can't you listen' etc. Fllowed by DH yelling that I had woken DS, followed by MIL who grabbed me by wrists and shook me, told me I was mad etc.

sorry that's so long (and pathetic)

boilinthebag, DH will often say we should sort things out between us and leave him out of it

overmydeadbody and pikelit, I do sound like a bit of a wet really - would like to shape up a bit.

diddl, had not even considered stopping DH from going there with DS.

[confuseddd]

Justmoon, MIL would not ban my DS - she is in heaven when it is her, DH and DS - I think that I'm extra to requirements.

[confuseddd]

boilinthebag, I have thought about leaving many times.

[diddl]

Blöödy hell-your MIL shook you?

Did your husband see this?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

confuseddd,

My guess is that you did not fortunately come from such a dysfunctional and emotionally deficient family. This makes it doubly difficult for you. Unfortunately for your H he is a product of such dysfunction. Your H is a weak man and does not want to rock the boat with regards to his Mum. He is more afraid of her than he is of upsetting you.

Your MIL would have acted in such a manner regardless of whom he married. It is not your fault that she is like this.

Do you have a FIL - if so what is he like?. You haven't mentioned him at all hence me asking.

Your H's primary loyalty should be to you and not his Mum who sounds toxic to me. Her projecting as well (her sounding off that you need professional help, telling you that you're mad) is nasty behaviour on her part and is also a very poor reflection on her. She needs professional help but these emotionally damaged people are often never assessed clinically.

My guess as well is that she has always acted like this and perhaps relations have worsened since the children came into being.

BTW I am also an afterthought when it comes to MIL, she barely acknowledges my existance when we visit. I do not feed her innate narcissistic tendencies, she is truly a ghastly woman who values her image to the outside world above everything else.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Was your H aware that his mother grabbed your wrists and told you that you were mad?.

I don't think you're mad at all actually, just deeply unhappy that you're caught up in his family's dysfunctional unit. And by turn so is your child.

[sincitylover]

I think OMDB has got a weird take on this - sounds to me that the MIL is a right interfering old trout who doesn't like her DIL and is extremely close to her darling boy who can do no wrong.

The fact she bitches about SIL (I am assuming that's her other DIL ?) is a red flag to me - probably no-one is good enough for her darling boys.

Granted the OP sounds a bit sensitive but isn't it up to MIL in this situation to make every effort to get on with her DIL imo and accept her son's choice of partner.

I have two boys and hope I won't be like this when they get gfs.

[confuseddd]

Yes she did shake me diddl and DH saw it. He dismissed it whent I brought it up again.

Atilla, my family have their problems too. It's reassuring to hear that it's not personal - I know MIL made life very difficult for my SIL too.

MIL did bring up her 3 boys singlehanded though as FIL was a womaniser and left her when DH was a boy. So she is a strong and admirable person, but also sometimes spiteful and given to blaming me.

[diddl]

Oh FFS!
How can he dismiss it?

You should be keeping your son away so that he can´t be hurt by her!

Sorry, but her behaviour was unacceptable even if you are high maintainance/sensitive or downright rude!

[YoMoJo]

It seems to me that you got bit streesed out & emotional as a consequence of spending few days with the in-laws (just like the rest of us!) I agree that they sound quite dysfunctional & unemotional.

I think because they are so unemotional, when you respond in an emotional way (shouting, crying etc) they see you as the one being "not normal" when I think they are the ones that are "not normal".

I dont know what to suggest as I am bit of a person-pleaser & would have to go down the bunch of flowers & apology (again) route which I know is not the way to go as you are so not at fault!

[confuseddd]

diddl, she wouldn't hurt DS but I agree that DH should speak to her about the shaking thing.

Yomojo, I know that probably the best course is to send a note apologising to mil for me going OTT emotionally, but feel desperately that DH has to read her the riot act as well. But I don't think he will.

[overmydeadbody]

My takes not that wierd is it? I agree the mil is a bit of an interfering old trout, but the op cannot change that, she can only accept what the MIL is like and be in control of her oen emotional responses to this. And by this I do not mean she should lie down and take it like a wet fish from MIL. Just not take it personally.

This woman (the mil) has singlehandedly raised her boys and is probably overly clingy and nopt wanting to loose her control over her boys. OP you need to just rise above it, like when cooking the ham, just ignore her suggestions without shouting or gewtting rude. Don't give her the power to effect you emotionally, be more distant and unbothered by her comments and behaviour.

Your DH sounds like he needs to grow some balls and cut the apron strings and be more supportive of the woman he married.