Phone Sex - help

[Divawithattitude]

Ok I will try and keep this short and factual
Picked up DH's phone and was flicking through texts - discovered a whole load of texts from him to a woman - D -.
Confronted him only to discover that the woman is in fact a close friend of mine who moved abroad about 10 years ago - he claims this has never gone anywhere started as a bit of harmless flirtation and has happened intermittantly over the last 10 years. the time I found was back in November when I was away for a week - texts are quite explicit. He says it stopped because he 'oversteppped the mark' and she did not reply.

He is trying to convince me its just a bit of harmeless fun between them that was never going anywhere.

She won't speak to me - have called her to ask what is going on.

What do you think?

[CreditCrunchie]

Bump

[fedup1981]

Is she still abroad? ever planning to move back? does he go off on business/holidays without you or near her?

If not then it probably was "just a bit of fun" but it's no less of a kick in the teeth for you, you must be seething. Ten years??? What was he thinking?

If he really wanted anonymous no strings phone/text sex there are services for that kind of thing which aren't much worse than looking at porn. It's a different kettle of fish doing it with someone you/he knows, imo.

[WhatNoLunchBreak]

He is almost certainly lying ... primarily because explicit texts to another woman that he, in his own words, feels "overstepped the mark" are not harmless fun.

If it was harmless fun, why would he keep it from you in the first place?

[Divawithattitude]

She now lives in her 'home' country and won't come back. They have not met at all in that 10 years, he didn't even come to her wedding when she and her long term partner married about 8 years ago.

I was hurt by the content of some of the texts that even mention me, and our relationship.

He says it was all him, he started it and kept it going.

I feel betrayed by both of them

[BigBadMummy]

Regardless of any "it wasnt going anywhere" or "she lives abroad and isnt come back" lines, he has over-stepped the mark with you.

That is the important thing.

He has lied and deceived you for TEN YEARS.

He has been having sexually explict text conversations with another woman, who is your friend, behind your back.

That is unforgiveable.

I could forgive a one night stand and admitted it straight after (don't start or divert on this thread with this fact!), but I would not forgive ten years of deceit.

You hit the nail on the head with the word betrayal

[Divawithattitude]

I am struggling with the thought that nothing 'real' has happened its just talk, but on the other hand that he has done it at all.

He had the cheek to be angry that I was looking through his phone.

I am not sure if it has been constant for 10 years or just periodically, the last batch of texts started in November when I went away for a week - there was nothing prior to then for at least the past 6 months.

[docmartin]

what things did he say about you and your relationship in the texts?

[Divawithattitude]

Well he alluded to our somewhat sporadic sex life, said 'Woo hoo she's away for a week', nothing that was really unpleasant or derogatory. Of course I have no idea what she has said to him, if indeed she replied at all, I think she must have as some of his texts were obviously replies.

So screwed up about this, when I first found them I was sure it meant he was having an affair so I was almost releived to find out it was 'only' over the phone and that they could not possibly have met face to face during this time.

Before she moved she was my closest friend, she was even there the night DH and I met each other.

[Devendra]

This would be a deal breaker for me.. I would go and see her personally and demand an explanation as your DH is not giving you the truth.. It would not matter to me whether they met up or not.. its the lies lies lies..

[Rindercella]

Diva, I really feel for you. This is a double betrayal - both your husband and old friend felt that somehow this was acceptable behaviour. It is not. Imo there must have been something to have sparked this off in the first place: some mutual attraction or possibly some liason between them. Otherwise why on earth would one start sending the other dodgy texts and the other respond in kind? And somehow think this is an ok thing to do?

I think you need to speak to her too. You have obviously tried to do so, but keep on and get her side of the story.

[StellaLovesPotato]

How horrible. Is sounds like he doesn't think it's that big a deal, which makes it seem like he doesn't care that he's hurt you.

If it was me, the "woooohooo she's gone away" would really upset me.

So he didn't sleep with her- do you think they had an emotional affair?

[Kiwinyc]

i think you need to fix your marriage so that your DH doesn't feel the need to confide in someone that lives in a different country.

Not saying that you did anything wrong but people don't seek attention outside their partnership/marriage unless they feel they're not getting it from their relationship.

Those of you that are saying its a 'dealbreaker' are being ridiculous. Its a wake-up call though - heed it.

[Divawithattitude]

Kiwi - nothing in the texts I saw indicated that he was 'confiding' in her they were more smutty sexual texts, the sort of thing we did in the early days of moblie pnones when they were a novelty. Some were more graphic than others but I have not seen her side of the conversaations to make a judgement.

I am not sure if he was attention seeking

I asked him if they had had a sexual relationship before she went away and he said not, that it had only ever been a silly phone thing that had 'got out of hand'.

she had two small children then so it would have been very hard for her to organise so I think I believe that is true.

[Malificence]

Actually, it would be him that would need to fix the marriage if he felt he needed another female's attention. If he felt neglected or that there were problems in the relationship then he should have behaved like a grown up and talked about his feelings rather than resorting to a teenager-like state of text sex.

[Rindercella]

Agree with Mal. If Diva's H has felt the need, over the period of some 10 years, to have phone sex with a friend of hers, then it is really his problem to fix. If he is prepared to understand that it really is a big deal, then perhaps it needn't be a deal breaker.

If I found texts such as those on DH's mobile sent to anyone other than me, I would be asking some very big questions about the state of our relationship.

[Kiwinyc]

Since when was sending texts to someone phone sex? Good grief, you lot live sheltered lives.

[Malificence]

Sending overtly sexual texts to a person is phone sex and is a form of infidelity.
I'm not talking about sexual jokes, i'm on about "what I'd like to do to you" type messages.

Kiwi - so you would be happy for your husband to text sexual messages to a woman would you?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I struggle to see how this isn't phone sex - a phone was used to convey sexually explicit messages. Does it really matter that they came in text form and not via conversation?

I also see this as the H's problem to fix - and not Diva's. I absolutely detest the notion that women are responsible for men's behaviour and the idea that textual infidelity is somehow the OP's fault because she wasn't giving her H attention is archaic to me. Like Mal, I'd say that as an adult male, it was his responsibility to articulate any feelings of neglect - not Diva's to mind-read.

Diva, this is actually a pretty serious problem. These texting relationships are never harmless. Stopping the behaviour does not remove the desire. In your shoes, I'd be trying to find out if more has gone on and I would be asking him some searching questions about what he was getting out of this and why he felt the need to do it. As for the friend, well she's not a friend of your marriage is she? I'd persevere with trying to contact her to see what she says.

A lot of people caught out like this will pretend that "nothing would have come of it" but that is invariably bollocks. What they mean is that something might well have come of it if a) the other party had been willing and b) they hadn't been found out.

[Divawithattitude]

WWIFN, I agree, he was angry that he was caught but claimed it had all fizzled out back in early December, and there are no texts after that date.

[Rindercella]

Was he angry with you Diva?

[tartyhighheels]

Diva - poor you

I would really feel betrayed actually, and how exactly is this harmless?? I have to be honest this could also be a dealbreaker for me too because it changes how you think about your H. You have had an impression of him all this time and i bet it didn't include smutty messages to a friend.

Clearly he has let this women know you have found out otherwise she would pick up your call no? So he must have had some sort of contact with her since then.

Dodgy dodgy dodgy - this is an infidelity

[tartyhighheels]

And i take it you have seen the 'gone too far' text?

[nigglewiggle]

I find it hard to comment without knowing exactly what was said TBH. But my first thought is that it is unlikely that a platonic relationship has become a sexual one via texts alone. Why would he be texting your friend in the first place? If this was me, I would suspect that something physical has happened before the long-distance texting.

I would also be concerned about the fact that she won't speak to you. Presumably he has told her what you have found and perhaps she is embarrassed and guilty. But I would want to speak to her to get her side of the story. Does she have a partner? If so, do they know what has gone on?

Really sorry that you have discovered this, but I think you need a lot more answers before you can decide what to do.

[Divawithattitude]

Yes, he was angry that I was'snooping' on his phone.

Yes I have seen the probably most explicit 'too far' text.

She has a partner and two children and Even back then when we lived close together would havefound it hard to conduct an affair with DH with two small children in tow.

I did suspect that there had been some previus physical relationship but he says not!

I called her phone from his mobile as when I first found the texts I thought it was another woman never dreaming it would be her and as soon as the phone picked up I recognised the voice, I left her a message saying what I had found and asking her to call me to expalin what has been going on.

I suppose she could have seen it was a message from him and just deleted it.

He says he has not spoken to her! Who knows!!

[nigglewiggle]

I'd ring her from your phone and try to get her side of the story. It will be hard over the phone, but you might get an instinctive feeling for what has gone on.