Throwing things back in your face - why do people do it?

[SallyBlue]

I am in the process of getting divorced and spending a lot of time thinking about what really went wrong in my marriage.

Although H and I got along quite well in some respects, there were some major "life" decisions we made for which he can;t seem to take any responsibility. He seems to agree to something, and then if something goes wrong, to need to throw it back in my face, thus making any problems entirely my responsibility and not his.

The major thing is our decision to have DS, which I know he was reluctant about (he has children froma previous marriage) whereas I had always made it clear I did want children. From the moment DS was born, every time a problem arose, he basically said "I gave you a baby, it's what you said you wanted" at every opportunity - e.g. when I was struggling with sleepless nights, when he refused to let me have any money for myself when I wasn;t working, etc.

I am trying now to negotiate our divorce settlement and this behaviour has really escalated. At the moment, he is insisting I must return to work FT, because otherwise he will have to settle for less, but equally refusing to make any committment to childcare. E.g I mentioned that when DS is ill, if I am working FT, we will need to share emergency care 50-50 - his response was that it's my problem, not his.

I really need to get through to him somehow on this - but I don;t understand why he does it, or what I have done wrong.

It makes me feel like I have been a selfish, demanding person through our relationship, but I think there has been a lot of give and take. I spent 10 years helping to look after my step-children which was not always easy, but I don;t begrudge or regret that for a moment, because it was my choice to do it.

[Ivykaty44]

i CAN SEE WHY YOU ARE DIVORCING HIM sorry

Go to work part time, stick to that - holidays other wise for 14 weeks will be a nightmare

[SallyBlue]

Lol Ivykaty...I do work PT already, although of course my job has never been "as important as his", because he earns more. Well that's not entirely untrue - I have a lots more flexibility and less responsibility - but if I went FT, it wouldn;t be so easy.

There are better aspects to his personality, of course - although we are very different, we did mostly rub on OK together for the majority of the time.

And I'm not perfect - I cna be quite bossy and heavyhanded sometimes, I get stressed about things, I like to have a certain amount of space and independence in a relationship. He's the opposite - needs a lot of reassurance, has always had trust issues etc.

It's just the kind of passive control he exerts when he behaves like that that I need to try and understand, because at the moment we're at a real stalemate.

[Ivykaty44]

ok

So he earns more than you, so will have a good pension if he chooses

You earn less than him and will have a naffer pension

he doesn't want to do childcare - ever period

you will have to do all childcare and pay for it and have less money

therefore you get a begger share of the pot to account for the fact that he gets a larger wage and he refuses to do child care.

realisticly he he never going to do the childcare as it will effect his earning capacity - so he has to either give you more maintenence or do childcare, or give you a larger share to start with.

it is stalemate as he will not do the either or, and wants a half share and no share of responsability. he needs to decide and let you know......

TBH it is much better for dc to have on parent there for them than neither - but you know that already!

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

OMG I don't know the answer but I can sympathise as I have EXACTLY the same problem.

STBXH appeared to be happy go lucky when I met him, happy to go along with whatever was thrown at us. But more and more, as time went on, I seemed to have to make all the decisions, which he was part of, but just tended to do what I suggested IYSWIM. Now he looks back on this really negatively and is quite passive aggressive with angry outbursts at times which are annoying. He doesn't seem to be able to take responsibility for anything that happened.

How to solve it? I don't know. I need to maintain an amicable relationship with him because of the DCs but it's very difficult (especially as he has run off with someone else!). In my case I am trying to listen to him more, in the hope that he will start to come up with sensible ideas of his own and take some responsibility. I'm not sure it's really having the desired effect yet though. He seems to be much more comfortable with blaming me for everything that happened which is a shame really.

[SallyBlue]

IfYourHappy yes, very similar, H never wanted to make any decisions really, either by himself, or together with me.

When we booked a holiday, he would leave it up to me, saying he wasn;t bothered where we went. Beforehand, he wouldn;t be in the least interested to find anything out about the place, or plan what we might do when we got there. Although I sort of accepted he approached things differently to me, it never really felt that "special" when he didn;t want to be part of the decision.

Now, of course, me choosing where and when to go on holiday would be considered an example of "me wanting to have my own way all the time". Bit late, mate.

[lilacclaire]

Stick to your part time.
You are not going to get the support you need if you go full time.
I can also see why you are divorcing.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Same for me on the holidays Sally - always down to me . I did it because it seemed to me that the odd holiday was a good idea. Not sure we would ever have gone if it had been down to STBXH.

[OptimistS]

Is mediation an option? Would he go?

How long has it been since you made the decision to split? Will he calm down and be a bit more reasonable in time?

He must not be allowed to pull the 'but I never really wanted DS card'. What a horrible thing to let his son grow up believing. What about if you'd both agreed not to have children and then you discovered you were pregnant? As far as I'm concerned, if you're prepared to have sex, you have to be prepared for the fact that it's possible a baby will result. Most of us hope to achieve some control over this with contraception, etc., but it doesn't alter the fact that the only sure-fire way to avoid a baby is not have sex. He chose to have sex so he's as responsible for your DS as you, however reluctant he may be.

As a single parent, you should get some help with childcare costs. That's worth remembering when you think about your future plans.

Despite everything I've said above, if you think he will remain steadfastly unreasonable, I think you're only choice is to:

1. Assume he is neither going to give you childcare nor willingly pay more maintenance.

1. With that in mind, think long and hard about what you think is a reasonable settlement, and where you would be prepared to compromise.

1. Stick to it, negotiating via solicitors and CSA if necessary.

It is always, always better to try an maintain a co-operative relationship with your X when children are involved (which is why I'd suggest mediation first) but not to the extent where you allow yourself (or your child) to be walked all over. Sometimes, standing up to a bully and provoking a confrontation is the only way to get that person to view you with respect and can lead to a much more co-operative and amicable relationship in the future.

HTH