Sensitive subject, teenage DD attacked...reposted to busier topic

[AnyFucker]

Hi All, I am re-posting this with the permission of the OP as she posted it in area with not much traffic at the end of an old, possibly dead, thread

Have re-worded it very, very slighty so the context makes sense.

Any input welcome.

.......................................

I am desperate to talk to someone who has gone through what I am going through, my DD now 16 was raped last year, she was 15, we are due in court next month, the vile pig who did this is currently in prison and has just been on trial for another rape so we are waiting to hear what the sentence is for that also.

my DD is destroyed inside, my cheerful cheeky girl has gone, she is so aggresive now, and keeps running off when things dont go her way, she won't go back to school, its been almost a year now come spring, and she should be studying for her GCSE's. She will not accept counselling or anger managment, or help of any kind, and i am so scared that she is not going to cope with the court case, i know i cant even come close to understanding how she feels,

she has nightmares and often ends up sleeping on the floor in my room as she wont be on her own if her big sister isn't home, she doesn't feel confident to go out much other than very locally, i don't know how to reach her, and i just want to make it all better for her , i don't think there is a day that goes by that i dont think about what happened to her, i had been pacing up and down in my living room venting my anger at her cos she was late home(it was about 10pm)and her curfew was 9, trying to call her mobile and thinking she had switched it off to be smart and stay out later, my door knocking and me marching to answer it and give her what for, only it wasnt her , it was two police officers, who came in , sat me down and told me my Daughter had been attacked and they had come to bring me to the hospital where she was,

i could hardly breathe when i saw her, she looked so broken and lost,i cried more tears for her that night than i think i have ever cried before in my life, and it is so weird as i have dreams where i am there with her, i see what he done to her as though i really was there, does that sound mad?? i have tried to talk to her but she clams up, so now i don't but i feel like i should, i need her to know that she doesnt have to keep it all in, but every time we have had any kind of appointment in connection with it, either with, the Haven, or the sapphire unit she is unbearable to be around afterwards, she becomes so aggressive,

her SOIT officer rang last night to confirm a date to view the court and she totally went off the rails, she ended up attacking her sister and throwing a shoe at her head which caused a big lump on her forehead, ny older DS cried and told me that i dont protect her or do anything when younger DD attacks her and that if it had been the other way around i would have sent her to her room and gone mad at her, i did get inbetween them and break the fight up, but i don't know how to deal with yDD at the moment and i am scared she will run away again if i try to discipline her or tell her off, i desperately need help with her but she is just refusing everything, i feel like i am almost scared of her now, not in the way that she would hurt me (although she has threatened to hit me) but scared of her reaction, scared of making things any worse than they already are,

can you please help try to help my DD cope with the whole court thing, as it is getting closer and closer, sorry my post is so long, i just have so much questions and emotionswhizzing round and round in my head and i dont know who to approach with them,

i cannot bear the thought of my family knowing, it would break their hearts if they knew, so i have to keep lying to them, that she is doing great at school and all is fine,

[AnyFucker]

sorry, the OP is called leenie and the original post is in "teenagers"

[ItsGraceAgain]

How absolutely awful for you and your daughter, OP. Your story made me cry.

I'm breaking a personal resolution here so will keep this down to a few short points.

1] Shame & secrecy are complete enemies of emotional health. I don't know your family and am sure you have your reasons, but would ask you to reconsider on that point.

2] She presumably has a counsellor to support her through the terrifying prospect of testifying & seeing the guy again?

3] Sorry if this sounds idiotic - did she see East Enders when Whitney had to testify about her abuser? She went through a heart-rending process of denial, anger, depression, fear ... The guy was sentenced in the end. You can watch back episodes on the BBC iplayer website, though I don't know how far back the archive goes.

4] Abi Grant's book "Words Can Describe" gave me a wonderful sense of optimism, although her experience was harrowing. Caveats: Abi Grant is a grown-up and she successfully fought off her rapist. As she repeatedly points out through the book, the latter fact isn't the important one: she was violated, terrified & injured. She testified and got a conviction. Maybe you could have a read of it, and then let DD decide if she wants to.

Naturally your daughter needs a vast amount of support and I am surprised her school isn't making a little more effort on her behalf. Sending you both much love: of course you need to be gentle on yourself, and with her.

[AnyFucker]

bump

[roses2]

So really sorry to hear about your daughter . Was it someone she knew or a stranger?

Do you know if she has friends she talks to about it? Is it possible for you all to go together to see a counsellor?

[NinaJane]

Hi Anyfucker, I read your thread yesterday and I am so sad for you and your daughter - I honestly don't know what to say to you, as I have never been in your situation and I do not feel qualified to give you any advice.

I basically just want to say that you sound like a wonderful mother and I pray that you will find a way to help your daughter.

[ChocDee]

That really is a horrible, horrible situation that you are all in. The whole family has been affected and is suffering because of that monster.

The only advice I can possibly give is to talk. Don't be scared, she is the 'child' and she is hurting. It is important that your other children see that you are trying to protect them as well as her.

Please insist on the therapy route. Yes, it will make things worse at first but it is a part of the healing process. It really is. She needs to know that yes she is hurting, it is not her fault, she is justified in her anger - but she is not justified in taking it out on others who love her.
It is hard and unfair and absolutely awful - but... it is also up to her. She needs to take some responsibility for her own healing. She now has a choice of who she wants to become - victim for life or a fighter?

I cannot begin to imagine what you are all going through. My thought are with you. Please be kind to yourselves...

[nickschick]

I have a friend going through a very similar thing and she too feels this way,she has been taking counselling herself to help her daughter through this period but its a horrid time.

Your not alone.

anyway bumped it a bit hope someone can really help you.

[cocolepew]

leenie you need to have counselling or therapy, has any been offered? I'm so sorry for what has happened, if possible after the case it would be beneficial for your DD to get therapy but I have no idea how to get it for her if she refuses. So sorry.

[zoggs]

Leenie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand a little as my son was seriously assaulted recently and now faces months of surgery (facial injuries) and a possible court case. I realise that what your daughter is going through is much more serious but I understand your desperation and anger at how someone could do something so vile to your child. How dare they.

Is there any chance that her attacker will plead guilty thus avoiding the need for her to give evidence?

[AnyFucker]

hi ninajane, I am not the original poster, I re-posted it for someone having a bit of temporary trouble navigating the boards

your input is very useful and valid for leenie though, thank you

[mampam]

Leenie, this thread is absolutely heart breaking.

Two things jump out at me. The turmoil your daugher is feeling and the turmoil you are feeling. I think what is so heart breaking for me and I'm sure others that are also parents is that you cannot protect your children forever.

I think you feel guilty (hence the dreams) because you couldn't protect your daughter from this monster. You want to make it all better for her but I think it's something that will take time. It is affecting you and the rest of the family in different ways so much so that you are also victims.

Do you think that once the trial is over and that monster is in prison that maybe then she will maybe be ready to take the next step ie counselling?

[Duritzfan]

Hi Leenie..

no advice really.. but I wanted to say that I will be thinking of you and your daughter over the next few weeks ..

I was attacked when I was 14, but managed to get away, to this day I am unsure how...so your story is truly terrible to me .. I can identify a little with your dd's fear .. it took me about ten years to not check every room in the house after I came back home.. usually armed with a knife ..

The court case will be extremely hard for your whole family and you will need all the support you can get..if your reluctance to tell family and or friends is down to embarassment , then please reconsider .. you deserve the support ..

Hopefully justice will be brought and you can begin to recover from this awful thing..

with lots of love t your whole family..xxxxx

[Frenchgranny]

This is absolutely dreadful and all I can say is that this young girl needs therapy of some sort. There are many different types that can be offered. She is obviously still suffering from shock and her anger is, for the moment, her only way of getting rid of her fear and, unfortunately, self-hate. She is very lucky to have such a loving mother to help and support her. It will not be easy. I cannot give any UK support lines, but I am sure someone can, or they can be found on the web.
Whatever happens in court, she must learn that this is not her fault, it can and unfortunately happens to many young and older persons.
She must learn not to be embarrassed about this. This is the hardest bit.
To be able to help her daughter, the mother must also seek professional help. You cannot do this alone. It is long, embarrassing and extremely frustrating. But if her daughter is to learn how to put this horrible act behind her and continue her life, she must also accept to be helped. And for the moment, her mother, or anyone close to her, or a very qualified outsider, must find a way for her to accept help.
Her anger is healthy, she must just learn to use it to her own benefit and not against herself (if you see what I mean) in such as using her anger as a healthy way of evacuating her extreme suffering.
If I can find any specific way of help for her and her mother in the UK I will forward. Hope that all goes for the best.

[AnyFucker]

Leenie, you are very brave and generous

I sincerely wish with all my heart that your dd and the rest of your family can work through this ad find some peace eventually

you have a long, hard road but you sound like a fantastic mum and your dd will be ok if she has you

[aSilverLining]

I feel so heartbroken for you all.

I think most people do assume that all attackers fit the wierd middle aged stereotype but sadly in your DD's case she was proven wrong.

I have no knowledge or experience in this area but is there any online support your DD could access? Just thinking if she uses the internet anyway it may feel 'safer' to her than seeing a counsellor face to face. You could ask on her behalf when you go for your first session. Or call your support officer and ask them to find out for you.

[luckywinner]

Leenie, I have absolutely no experience with this. But I read this post so for your darling dd.

Like AF said, she has an amazing mother behind her and I think you going to therapy is a really good idea, even if it helps you through all of this. I will be thinking of you and wishing with all my heart that you get through this incredibly difficult time together.

Your posts have brought me to tears.

[PrivetDancer]

That's terrible, leenie, poor you and poor dd.

So scary to hear how easily it happened, as what she did wasn't all that silly really, she had met a group of people, with a few people she knew, in the daytime, and was going home at a reasonable time. Not just one old man, like you imagine. People do far stupider things and get away with no consequences. Ever likely she is angry.

[tammybear]

Hi Leenie
I don't have anything really that I can say that will be of help, but I had to reply.

Your posts made me cry. I feel so terrible for you all to be going through this.

Like you said, I do think that your DD reacts the way she does partly because she is angry with herself. Hopefully with you going to counselling, she will one day agree to go with you. If not, least you have some support to cope as well.

Is there possibly an outlet you can suggest to her for her anger? Like going to the gym, or even attending self-defence lessons? I have no idea if that would benefit her or if she would find that a good idea, but it's just a thought I had.

I know you said that she seems to shut down or lash out when you try and speak with her, but I think the best thing you can do is to keep reassuring her that you are there for her to talk to and that she doesn't have to be afraid to speak with you. Then hopefully she'll begin to talk to you more eventually.

I really hope that things will get better for you all, and you and your family are in my thoughts. hugs xx

[RoseWater]

Leenie - I have nothing to offer other than my hope that the future holds happiness for you all.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Leenie. This is heartbreaking. I wish I had some way of helping you and your family.

I wonder if some of your DD's reaction also involves guilt. Not because she is in any way guilty or culpable but simply because she is a young girl and my (limited) experience of abuse is that it often does result in feelings of guilt in the victim. This could in turn make her angry and volatile. My heart goes out to her.

I feel for you all. x

[EldritchCleaver]

Leenie,
Poss take the details off as the case is coming up and if this thread were picked up I would not want you to face any criticism or problems at court. Unlikely, but why take the risk?

I suffered something similar and carried truly toxic anger around with me for years as a result. Your daughter's luckier than me, though- I didn't tell anybody.

Your support is so important, even though she may appear to be rejecting it. Why not write to her? Needn't be detailed. You can leave her little notes etc to read in private.

Though she is suffering I think your DD probably does still need boundaries-I sort of needed protecting from the force of my own anger, if you see what I mean, so the limits my parents set on my expressing that anger were very important. You do also need to protect your other children, because they shouldn't be punchbags. The sibling relationships need to be safeguarded for the future when your daughter is better able to participate in them.

I suspect at the moment your daughter just can't articulate anything. Do you think vigorous exercise, especially martial arts, would help her to blow off steam and just manage? Same as exercise helps with depression. Music too eg dance classes. I know it sounds barmy but that kind of approach helped me. Pain really is beyond words sometimes.

Good luck with the case-use Victim Support to the max and hustle for as much information and contact with CPS and barristers as you can, to stay informed and ensure your daughter's interests and feelings are taken into account as much as possible.

[EldritchCleaver]

Sorry, realise how bloody crass it is to talk about your daughter being lucky. Wasn't thinking straight. I just took over 10 years to deal with it and had it overshadow my life as a big shameful secret. Your daughter has a fantastic mother fighting for her from the off. Big plus.

[AnyFucker]

not crass, eldritch

OP will know what you mean and I bet your support is very much appreciated

you make a good point though, about the details of the case

leenie, after this evening it may be best to report your post and get it removed after people have absorbed your very good warnings included in it

[Leenie]

Thanks EldritchCleaver and Anyfucker, i didnt think about the possibe implications for the pending case and my post tonight, but i do want other mums to know how dangerous FB can be, how do i do that btw? i mean get it taken off, i'm not good at navigating around the site.