Am i crazy?

[curvychick]

My dp started a new job last April in a managerial position. Last summer i started to feel a bit funny regarding one of his younger female employees, nothing concrete at all just a gut feeling.....Since then there have been several incidents that have rung big alarm bells but i have had no hard evidence and i guess in isolation they could be innocent but all togeher i am now really worried....I am not sure how best to put it all down so i guess i shall just do bulllet points

1.I arrived at his work unannounced heavily pregnant with dc4, he was very reluctant to give me a hug (hadnt seen him since the day before), we were outside at this point so not infront of staff, and he looked over his shoulder towards where she was standing

2.He picked me up from hospital after birth of dc4 and called work on the way home, he spoke to this girl and was pretty over familiar, and refered to her as 'darlin'

3.I knew he was giving one of the lads from work a lift home but he didnt mention that he was also giving this girl a lift too-he let slip something and when i questioned him he said about it.

$.After incident 3 i asked him why he didnt tell me he was giving her a lift home (admittedly i was rather post pregnancy hormonal) and implied that there was something inappropriate goin on-he went MENTAL .Oh and a few days after this incident he came home and said that she wasnt right for the company and he was keeping an eye on things with a view to 'managing her out'

4.Soemtimes he gets in up to 2 hrs after finishing work with vague reasons as to why (not always on the night he gives her a lift but frequently)

5.Whenever i go into work this girl blatantly ignores us but when i took dc4, in at his request, she gushed over her, and TOTALLY ignored me, like i wasnt even there.

6.He has pics of the work crimbo do on his phone which she just happens to be in all of them. theya are not of her but she is in them all IYKWIM

7.He has been stroppy and withdrawn, parcticualr unkind to ds1 (who has special needs) and blames in on work

I got a suggestive picture message of his bum cheeks this morning which he hasnt done since we first got together with some text underneather about how he was missing me today. The wording on it didnt sound right and something meade me check the rota to see if this girl was in today....she isnt

They dont look good do they? Or have i just totally lost it? I'm sat here feeling sick and shaking.........things have been really iffy since christmas when he proposed and i dont know whether i am just looking for trouble because i am paranoid and insecure or if he is doing what i think he is.

Have been checking his phone now and then but nothing dodgy-although i know he would delete.....
Dont know what to do

[curvychick]

Sorry about the typos forgot to preview before posting....

[Iklboo]

Text back - 'is this an apology for you behaving like an arse?' and see what he comes back with

[JodieO]

That sounds off to me I'm not sure what you should do though, do you think they're actually having an affair or in earlier stages of?

[curvychick]

Really dont now what to think JodieO.....just have that awful adrenaline sick shakey feeling.

I am even more worried as i am generally quite a percepitve person and my 'innervoice'is usually right....i'm feeling like i have ignored it for so long with dc4 arrival, ds1 SN and now its screaming at me that something is really not right.......i've probably ignored dp too to a certain degree, but have only just realised typing this.......

God, crying now....

Iklboo i like your style

[sima74]

sorry to say this but gut instincts are usually right although u need a bit more info on whats happening after work , know this might sound bit crazy but maybe you could gety a friend to do a bit of spying, its better to know sooner than later

[skinsl]

you have 4 children together, he proposed to you at Christmas and you think he is having an affair? Is that right?

[mrsboogie]

well, to answer your question, no you are not crazy,

I would find it very odd that someone was coming in 2 hours after work with no explanation, especially with 4 children at home.

your inner voice should not be ignored.

what prompted his proposal at Christmas time? what was happening at that time?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

There are red flags and white flags here. The red flags are the irritability, this girl's demeanour with you, the (misdirected?) text, the over-familiarity with her on the phone, the failure to mention she was in the car, the delay in coming home. The white flags are the proposal and him insisting you came in to show off the baby. You say he went mental when you raised your suspicion - one of the clues is if someone denies or goes mental - and then never mentions it again. Most people with nothing to hide will actually do all sorts of things to reassure and allay suspicions. Are all his texts deleted? Have you checked the phone log and all the folders?

Have to say I grimaced when I read about him "managing out" an employee - does this mean he is going to bully her into a resignation? I hate that sort of piss-poor management.

[curvychick]

Hi all, thank you for your replies, i couldnt get on last night as he was here.....Skinsl, i know it sounds crazy that is why i am doubting myself (we have 2 cd together ds1 and 2 are mine)

Whenwill-she is still there 6 months later, so whatever was going on then has changed his mind-either they were/are still up to something or else i have been mental for so long he is just telling me what he thinks i want to hear to shut me up.

Anyway, i spoke to him last night, told him i had this awful feelinghe was cheating on me, didnt tell him what triggered it ie the txt. He reassured me, told me he loved me, how much me and the kids mean to him, how he'd never fuck it up and then as we were cuddleing in bed, he reached over and checked his sent message box on his phone I asked him if that was what he was doing and he got all blustery, told me he had taken 2 pictures and couldnt remember which one he sent me and that he quite often likes to check what he has sent during the day

I got upset. He spent 2 hour trying to reassure me. I still cant believe him.

He txt me on the way to work to tell me 'i love you, but this is really hurting me, its not fair'. 2 minutes later he called me told me he'd do whatever it took to reassure me, suggested some kind of relationship guidance like relate. I feel like total shit, like a paranoid mentalist. I'm going to the doctors this morning and will speak to him about things and see what he says.

[skinsl]

you are not paranoid, there is enough here for you to get suspicious.
you have confronted him, so well done. still a bit dodgy, but it looks like he wants to make it work. the proposal is a big thing.

I think it has probably been a bit of a flirtation.

If he admitted something had happened how would you feel? Is is the suspicion that is driving you crazy?

[curvychick]

I would be gutted. But it wouldnt be beyond salvation.

Yes, its the suspicion, its just eating me up, and the fear that he is just making an absolute fool of me. I feel so bloody confused. On one hand, in my head it feels so real, and like he is looking me in the eye and lying to me, on the other hand, i so want to believe him. I am really worried because if he is telling the truth, i am pushing him away and i also have some serious ishoos...

[curvychick]

Sorry didnt answer all of the questions that were posted above....

He proposed to me at christmas after asking some very unsubtle questions about rings etc around my birthday. so i kind of knew it was on the horizon.

He doesnt clear all of his messages no, but i know he would delete anything incriminating.

I dont have anyone who would spy on him, dont really have any friends who i want to discuss this with, well any friends at all really these days.

Saw gp but he was running very late, and we only had time to talk about ds1 medical stuff....

Does anyone think relate could help us?

[mrsboogie]

oh god, you are in bed together talking about your fears about him cheating and he reaches for his phone to check his sent items?

you are SO NOT a paranoid mentalist!

[curvychick]

Thats what i thought mrs boogie, oh god wtf am i going to do?

I cant think straight...........

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Hmm.. I'm not surprised you're confused - a lot of these signs seem to conflict with one another. Him reaching out to check the phone last night could have been an "Oh shit, did I send her the wrong picture?" and, since he felt he'd had a close shave, he's piling on the reassurance this morning. If there is something going on, it doesn't sound as though he wants out of the relationship with you though. Did you ask him what two pictures he took yesterday? Perhaps you need to check the sent messages again and also the pictures on his gallery - my phone dates pictures, perhaps his does too?

Have you ever had a proper conversation as a couple about your attitudes to temptation and infidelity? What I mean by this is a grown-up admission that we will all find others attractive at some point? Once people understand that this is normal and that temptation is particularly difficult to resist at key flashpoints in their lives (when their esteem is low, when their lives seem full of responsibility) and the attraction is escapism, not necessarily the affair partner, it is easier to see it for what it is.

Your life together seems full of responsibility and demands, having so many children and trying to juggle the usual stresses and strains of family life. It can be really addictive when someone attractive shows interest in us - and a welcome bit of escapist fun. The problem is that other things associated with it become addictive - the secrecy (lies of omission about her presence in the car), the lust, the feeling of being adored and special.

I think it might help you if you get to the bottom of how he responds when other women show him interest, explaining that you would absolutely understand if that made him feel good - it is normal after all.

If there is genuinely nothing going on for him, he will want to engage in this conversation and he might need your permission to be truthful about what has really happened. I imagine if he was honest enough to tell you that he had perhaps been a bit silly and got carried away with some female attention, that would make sense to you. By confronting it together and accepting that at this flashpoint in your lives, it is perhaps understandable, you are already working as a team.

I understand your fear about being made a fool of - you seem brave enough to deal with honesty, but perhaps he doesn't know that.

[curvychick]

Thanks for responding wwifn. I did ask him what pictures he took, one was of his bum and the other was of his balls apparantly he said he didnt send that one as it was crass and he thought i might not find it funny. I looked at his phone last night, through the pic gallerly and there was nothing dodgy in there, no sign of bum or nuts. Sent messages were also devoid of anything dodgy.

We have talked about fidelity, but not temptation. He is very anti-affairs.....but i have read enough on here to know that that means shit tbh I have never cheated on him but he has previously accused me of getting up to stuff on the rare occasions i have been out.

You are right about the chaos and responsibilty of family life, its 3 preschoolers at home and ds1 with sn and he also has 2 dc who come often to visit and stay. I just feel so overwhelmed by everything.....

I fell pregnant with ds3 after a bit of fun went a bit wrong...i decided to carry on with the pregnancy but we didnt actually become a couple until ds was 3 months old. I guess on some level i feel that he never actually 'chose' me, just got stuck with me because he had the misfortune to get me pregant. In the last 3 years my life has been completely turned upside down. 2 new kids, 2 step kids, ds1 special needs came to our attention, lost touch with most of my friends, ds1 and 2 dad buggered off to NZ stopping off on the way to the airport to let us know.

I just feel so fucking sick and tired of my life and like i dont even know where to start to make things right and for me to feel normal again. I feel like i have lost me.

Thank you for your advice whenwill, i will sit down with him tonight and try to discuss this calmly without too many tears on my part. I so hope you are right and that he is just flattered by the attention, i think he will probably feel that i am so on the edge at he moment though, that he might not want to be honest, when really it is exactly what i need from him.

[Bimble]

Dear Curvychick, your last post really resonated with me when you say that you fell pregnant with DS3 after a bit of fun went wrong. I fell with my first DD under the same sort of circumstances but I was the one that felt stuck. DH was delighted as he'd been 'courting' me for years well whilst very much playing the field I might add!!! I decided to give our relationship a proper go. We've had our sticky times and he is a flirty bugger -even took the sales girl out for a drink that we bought our sofa from last year (stupid cock) turns out it was because he's losing his hair and feels unattractive because I wasn't paying him enough attention. I found it really difficult to accept that part of that may possibly have been my fault because I wasn't very nice to him for quite a long time. (This may not be the case with you at all so please don't think I'm saying this is at all your fault). Anyway I went with it made a supreme effort to show my love for him a bit more (stopped taking the piss out of his baldness, made more effort to initate sex) that sort of thing! It's never easy to spend quality time on yourself or with each other when you have small children and very little family support but that I think is what you need to do. Try and reconnect with friends you can call your own and do things with them even if it's only a coffee once a fortnight. Make an effort to go on a 'date' once a month and try and rediscover what drew you together. Sounds cheesy I know but it does work if you both want it to. I'm not saying for a minute that you should overlook any shinnanigins with female colleagues far from it but there is a case for finding all of the reasons behind this sort of behaviour. Oh and you are NOT mental just overworked and under appreciated by the sounds of it....

[geekdad]

I have to say that I really don't think that you are paranoid: each incident on it's own doesn't amount to much, but taken together I'm afraid to say that I think you have reason to be suspicious.

I'm not sure where you take it from here. I thought I was crazy when I was in a similar situation to you. In the end I discovered incontrovertable evidence, but that took four years (!). I could have found out sooner if I'd checked DWs phone (didn't because of my fucked idea that that would amount to a betrayal of trust!).

I think that you do need more evidence, but you also probably need to talk this over with someone in RL. Bottling these worries up are not good for you.

[curvychick]

Thanks for replying bimble.

Your post has really made me think. I know i dont pay him enough attention and i know he can be sensitive and insecure too. I have tried to put aside time but whenever we have any money we can never get a babysitter (family wont look after all 4 so have to pay for qualified due to ds1 as i dont really trust anyone else with him) Evenings tend to be an endless round of kids traipsing up and down the stairs and before we know it its 10 o clock, i'm knackered and even when i feel in the mood, i end up bloody falling asleep. TBH i wouldnt blame him if he had gone elsewhere I ahve booked an appointment with relate as i have been battleing these feeling for too long now and i clearly cant get to 'the happy place' without a bloody good point in the right direction. I hope that they can help me. I love him so much and i know that he does love me too. I hope its not too late.

We have decided to pack the kids off to bed early tonight and spend some time together though, so fingers crossed for a quite evening.

Thank you for sharing your story bimble, it gives me hope that we can make this right.

[AnyFucker]

have read your post curvy, I have very little to add, but just wanted to send you lots of good wishes

try to talk to him...and if you sense a confession coming, stay calm and listen (I am not condoning anything, btw)

it does sound very dodgy to me, but you may be able to knock it on it's head before anything progresses too far together

you sound lovely, btw

[curvychick]

Geekdad, i think i remember reading about your story before on mumsnet, 4 years.........I hope you are happy now. Would you mind if i ask, but why did your wife stay for so long if she had om? was she essentailly happy at home but wanting her cake, so to speak? Please dont answer if it is too personal and i am being a nosey bint!

I have and will continue to check his phone (he has told me to, that he has nothing to hide) but he would delete anything incriminating anyway, so although i get some reassurance from doing it, its false reassurance iyswim. I really dont want to be thinking the worst all the time. Its so exhausting and i tye myself up in knots with the what ifs, maybea and would hes. Due to his job sometimes he works late, sometimes the traffic is bad, but sometimes he is late though and doesnt offer any reason and i have been too weak and scared to ask him and on some levels even acknowledge it.

If he wont admit to anything, catagorically denies anything untoward, what can i do? I'm not sure i could bring myself to spy on him from his work car park-not nomal healthy behaviour! I have to trust him.......If i find out that he has made me think i am crazylady when all along i wasnt being paranoid, i will never forgive him, we will split but hopefully seeing someone at relate will help me to make sure i dont get into another relationship like this in the future.

[curvychick]

Thanks AF [feeble smile]

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Curvy - I think you need to tell him that if you subsequently find out that anything was going on, the one thing you will not be able to forgive is the denials and the feeling you are going mad. Make him see how awful that really is. It was a major sticking point in our recovery after my H's affair - I'd confronted him with my suspicions (never heving done so in 24 years and having been the least jealous person on the planet) and I was met with denials and protestations of love for me.

Like many others, I can now understand why affairs are easier to forgive than the associated lying, deception and generally shitty behaviour. These are also the aspects that my H finds particularly difficult to rationalise and forgive in himself too.

Your conversation tonight should therefore focus on the respect you have for one another, your commitment to be truthful to each other and also what I was saying earlier about how you both deal with temptation. It doesn't surprise me in the least that you haven't discussed that - but sometimes it's only when we give eachother permission to come out of denial and tell the truth that real honesty emerges. Too many of us stick our heads in the sand and pretend we are immune to a bit of flattery and ego-boosting. As you say yourself, you can see how and why it could happen for your H right now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - I can now see that my H was textbook affair material at that point in his life.

Neither of us would have acknowledged that particularly at the time, but that knowledge has been very painfully gained.

[curvychick]

Thank you whenwill, i know that if he does lie to me and i do rumble him in the future, i will not be able to forgive and forget. The way i feel now, well i do feel like i am loosing the plot tbh. I am hoping that i am crazy and paranoid, what a thing to hope for ay?

I will definately raise the points you mention above tonight.

Thank you all again for taking time to offer yuor help and support to me.

[Bimble]

Hey no worries glad to be of help. Good luck