Advice re Friend

[startingovernow]

Was friends with a woman for 9 yrs, she was my closest friend & we confided everything & helped each other out with everything.

Anyway, 2009 was a very traumatic year for me. I split from exh after 11yrs in horrific circumstances. In the last three mts of '09 my MIL that I was very close to died. Two weeks later my granny died (I wasn't very close but still hard to see my father so upset), a few weeks later my closest aunt who was only 48 died in horrific circumstances and to top it all off my only brother died very tragically on 22nd of Dec. My friend would have know my aunt & brother very well.

About 10 days before my brother died, I had been trying to push myself to start moving on with my life and went on a date with someone that both my friend and I knew very well. He is a close friend of her h. Spoke to friend several times before going on date, asking her what she thought. She thought it was great & said go for it.

After I'd met him about twice she told me that she found the whole thing very akward as he was friendly with her h. She & h have had a very difficult marriage, always fighting & always on verge of splitting up. Anyway, she said she felt I had gone over to her h's side & that this was going to affect our friendship. I tried contacting her to try and resolve things but she didn't return my call.

Five days later my brother died, she came to the funeral & we spoke as normal so I thought we were back on track. I never heard from her after that. Last week I rang her a few times as she has some stuff I need back. Eventually I got a text from her on Fri (she never texts), trying to organise to leave the stuff somewhere. I text back saying I would meet her tomorrow morning if she was free. I haven't heard back from her but I am imagining she will try to avoid meeting me. I wanted to meet up & leave her know how much she has hurt me by her actions.

Should I just leave it go at this stage or should I try to get her to at least recognise that her behaviour was very hurtful? I am terrible at any type of confrontation or nastiness, I'd normally run a mile but this time it's different she was one of the closest people to me & she caused me terrible pain at what was already a very painful time for me. I don't think I could ever forgive her for this or move forward but I just want to put a bit of closure on it for myself i.e. stand up for myself in some way.

Sorry this is so long but I couldn't explain it properly without giving the background history.

[startingovernow]

Forgot to say I'm no longer seeing mutual friend.

[HislittlePoppet]

I suspect your friend might have designs on this guy herself. Perhaps when she encouraged you to go for it, she didn't think far enough ahead or assume you and he might like each other.
I wouldn't make any further attempts to contact her. A friend who goes down the road of telling you how awkward this is for her, rather than being happy for you - after everything you've been through - is no real friend, IMHO.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Hmmm - given all that has happened I find it hard to understand why she's behaving in this way. Having said that I think it's definitely more about her and her state of mind rather than you IYSWIM.

Given where she is at the moment I think that you've either got to leave her be for now and hope that she returns in time or have a chat with her and somehow, in a way that doesn't make her feel pushed into a corner, try and understand what's really underneath her feeling the way that she does right now. Given that you've been good friends for sometime, it seems a real shame that you're not friends now - you could probably both do with each other's support (especially YOU IMO ).

FWIW I think that if you want to get things back to normal now, then you're going to need to listen a lot to how she's feeling at the moment, rather than telling her how you feel first. I have got a vaguely similar situation with one of my friends also and have just decided that a)she just can't relate to my situation b)the problems in her world (although IMO much smaller than mine) are very real for her and distressing her to the extent that she just can't hear mine. Hope that all makes sense.

[startingovernow]

Thanks Hislittlepoppet, you have just made me see this from a different angle. I don't think she was interested in him for herself but it has made me think that perhaps she is a little jealous that I've come out the other side while she is still trapped in a vicious circle in her own marriage.

Thanks Anothermum, I've been seeing a counsellor regularly to deal with initially the separation & then the deaths etc. I deffinately know this is not a case of her distancing herself due the bereavement though. This is more about her own insecurity in her marriage.

[MistyRuby]

I would say that only she knows exactly why she is behaving like this. If she continues to act like this then it may be that you just have to walk away from the situation- it could drive you crazy otherwise.

Hugs to you.

[startingovernow]

Hi Ifyourhappy, great to hear from you & thanks for your advice. I'm going to see if she'll agree to meet me tomorrow morning & just take it from there. I've mixed feelings on it though, part of me feels like I would not be able to forgive her for this.

Looks like all the dumplings are missing in action!! Hope they'll reappear with exciting tales!!

[startingovernow]

Thanks MistyRuby