I'm an ex-heroin addict and I'm falling.

[Nemofish]

Put this in relationships as it's all about my mum really.

It's half two in the morning and I can't sleep for thinking so I come downstairs and down 4 nurofen plus and around 20ml of medised (seriously! I have a diphrenthingy addiction fondness).

I was brought up to feel totally worthless, as I have mentioned on other threads, I was abused by an older boy as a child and my step dad was shall we say fucking creepy innapropriate with me when he was pissed from about the age of 11 onwards. Mum knows but frankly couldn't give a flying fuck.

I was an anorexic at 13, depressed and self harming at 16 and addicted to heroin by the age 0f 19. At 20 I did methadone as well and at 22 I also dabbled with crack cocaine. I didn't give a shit, I wanted to die. I hated myself.

I walked out on my druggie boyfriend (who introduced me the wonderful world of 'trainspotting' as a lifestyle) went back home and things started to get better. Mum was nice to me. I was probably a few weeks away from dead so I had to go home. I met my lovely husband and that made me determined to get better, so I did, gave up all the drugs and clawed back some self esteem. Went back to work.

Heard less and less from mum, finally it was like it was when I ran away left at 16. She forgot about me.

When I got pg I realised I had to protect my dd from my mother. (she was physically violent with me, rough with me as a baby, slapped me across the face etc) I did the no contact thing and have had bile and hatred from her ever since on the rare occasion she sends a guilt tripping Xmas card in the style of a poor me frail old lady (she is not. she knocked my step dad who is ten years younger than her, out cold with one punch once).

I was born in canade and she brought me to england when i was around 4. Turns out she never made me 'legal' in this country and as employment law has changed in this country I found out and now I have to apply for british citizenship or I can't work. I needed documents from her (the fact she is british is my 'claim' to citizenship) and she didn't see why she should help (her words) but 'after yet another sleepless night' decided she would help me (how kind).

I got a 'new' original birth certificate and found out that she changed my name at some point. She has never bothered to tell me this. I have a half brother in canada, (my dad's son) she didn't tell me until I was 15 cos she forgot.

I had to have all my teeth removed apart from 4 at the front when I was 6years old as they were all rotting. She had never got me to brush my teeth or bought me a toothbrush.

I know she is at the very least on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder spectrum. I know I need to move on from this, but I am crumbling, I am so angry and hurt, I use tablets at night to sleep so I don't have anxiety and panic attacks. I'm slipping into the old ways of coping. I would never touch heroin again, nor is it available to me, but by god am I a pill popper.

Would I get anything out of 'confronting' her and telling her what I think, being sensible but expressing my anger? I am drowning and I don't know what to do.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Crikey nemofish that's a very complex post. You've had such a difficult history and obviously done very well just to survive it all.

Your question is very difficult to answer, yes you may feel better by confronting your mother but then again she may well react very badly - visciously - and it may open up very painful past wounds. I don't think anyone on here is qualified to make that call.

What do you think is best? What would you like to say to her?

Have you had professional help to overcome your addictions and self harming/eating disorder? It sounds like you may need to talk these issues though with someone professional if you feel that you are slipping into self destructive modes of behaviour.

Your mum sounds horrible and very destructive btw, perhaps distance would be best.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

Hi Nemo. See I didn't get lost this time!

Firstly, 4 Neurofen doesn't sound very sensible. Isn't the maximum dose 2? Stop taking too many as it will make you really ill. And I can't believe you'll get any notable difference between taking 2 and 4 in terms of how it makes you feel.

Have you seen a GP about the anxiety and panic attacks? Or a good therapist who does CBT (I've done this and it was useful to help me recognise the good coping stratergies I already have and give me confidence to see I'm actually pretty together)?

I didn't have as horrific childhood like you - not even close. But I did have a mother who I believe possibly had a personality disorder and I developed depression and an eating disorder in my teens so I can understand how much some of us are standing on the edge of a precipise and one small push could send us spiralling out of control.

What coping and support strategies do you already have in place/use?

[Nemofish]

Thanks Claudia I have had lots of counselling which has finally got me to be able to be angry and got me to this point. I defended my mothers every action for years, I felt that she had to be the way she was because there was soemthing wrong with me.

Realising that there's nothing wrong with me and more than likely soemthing wrong with her has been a huge weight lifted off me!

I realise mn'ers are not qualified to make the call on confronting or not, nor woiuld I want someone to feel that they could be responsible for my actions due to an opinion expressed on here. I phrased all of it that part badly.

Suggestions perhaps on how to deal with the anger I am left with? It is such a new emotion to me, that I'm flummoxed and aware that I can all too easily take it out on dh / myself as I just don't know what to do.

I should point out that I am no longer self harming, using heroin / food / lack of food or depressed anymore. So not about to go kablooey in that sense, iykwim.

[Nemofish]

Thanks JAMM coping strategies realistically consist of nurofen (rarely) Nytol / sleepeze (frequently) and food (over eating a bit, having choc/ cake). I do reiki self treatments and train in holistice therapies (the irony, I know) whcih does help me be 'kinder' to myself.

Oh and the nurofen have the same 'active' ingredient as heroin, (codeine / opiates) and so make me feel calm and fluffy and happy.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

So is anger the only emotion you are struggling with? I don't mean to diminish it but they things you write about seem like you are fearful of something (anxiety, panic attacks). I'm not drawing conclusions, just asking really.

I don't think being angry is a bad thing. It's how you channel that anger that makes a difference. My anger at things that have happened in my life makes me ambitious, assertive and confident. I refuse to let it make me feel insecure, anxious or out of control.

Obviously if you're feeling that you may lash out at someone you care about either verbally or physically that's very different.

[Nemofish]

I might snap at dh but he is aware of everything I am going through and is a very laid back guy... I have snapped a bit at dd the past few days and I think that it is this that has made me think that things are not okay the way they are. Well I am not okay. I would never harm her, nor have I ever felt angry towards her in that way.

YOu are right it sounds more afraid than angry. Truth is most of the time I am fucking terrified of life, terrified that I am just not good enough, that I am shit at everything (patently untrue I know, nobody can be shit at everything!)

I am scared of being a bad mother to dd. I am scared of not being good enough to work in my chosen field. I am scared that we will starve to death (seriously) be destitute, homeless, in a country in a state of war (yes I spend time thinking up stuff to be afraid of). None of this stuff is going to happen, I know that intellectually, but I am petrified, it literally keeps me awake at night.

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

"I defended my mothers every action for years, I felt that she had to be the way she was because there was soemthing wrong with me. Realising that there's nothing wrong with me and more than likely soemthing wrong with her has been a huge weight lifted off me!"

I think the above statement is very significant Nemo. And a HUGE leap to make - like transitioning from a childs point of view to an adults. Well done! (Sorry does that sound madly patronising? I don't mean it too - it's just that for many people never get to make those kind of realisations and they become stuck in a victim/self loathing place).

It is totally understandable to be left feeling furious with a woman who treated you with such little care. JAMM makes a good point, not all anger has to be destructive to you or those you hold closest.

[Nemofish]

JAAM admiration at channelling it to make you feel ambitious, assertive and confident, btw

[Nemofish]

Not patronising at all Claudia. My dh and therapist applauded me for that statement, in fact I think I joined in myself!

[ClaudiaSchiffer]

Sorry x posted with your last post.

It sounds as if CBT may well be helpful in dealing with your fears. I have a history (a long time ago now) of panic attacks and anxiety issues and after years of fairly ineffective counselling more or less got fixed in a few weeks with CBT (a bit of a gnerality but CBT was very effective in challenging the "truthfullness" of my thinking.

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

I was thinking active ingredient is ibuprofen an anti-inflammatory... and couldn't see the benefit. If it's codeine then yup, I get it.

I think you should see the GP. This self-medicating is not good. Not for the stuff that is pushing your buttons per se, but the other stuff in them that can cause long-term damage if you exceed the dose, like paracetamol or ibuprofen.

You do realise that nearly all of us have those worries don't you? And it is the people who don't worry about others (like your mother) who don't treat people well? In order to be able to tackle/prevent a problem you have to know about it/the possibility. Sounds like you just need help with the rationalising what needs immediate attention and what can be left at the back of your mind (IYSWIM)

I can thoroughly recommend CBT when done well - more information here. It is all about coping strategies and a good therapist will also help listen to you too if you're worried about burdoning others (you shouldn't be but I know that's how I felt and ended up in therapy).

[skihorse]

nemofish Congratulations in surviving so far.

Whilst I know you think you're doing great I would suggest you explore options of further therapy for yourself. Children of abusive parents frequently exhibit symptoms of personality disorders themselves - and, confronting your mother with your diagnosis will solve nothing. It won't change her, it won't change the past - your life will not improve, your feelings and fears will not improve and the lives of your children will not improve.

(Schema Therapy is a good one for coming to terms with childhood abuse. x -- I am no longer scared that I will be a bad mother - i.e., no worse than anyone else doing "everything wrong" )

[nickschick]

Nemo

Im really sad at what youve had to go through,its not right children dont ask for that - I too as you know had similar stuff and as much as you are extreme in your pill popping im exactly the other way - I rarely drink,never smoke never have taken any drugs because I know that Im just one step away from assuming my mothers dependancy needs (she was a junkie and far far worse).

My half brother is a junkie too I rarely se him he lives in 'joe world' a space he created just for him.

Just lately have a very traumatic episode (v boring and i got flamed under my assumed name when i asked for help on here)Ive had panic attacks and very sad thoughts- so much so that I know I cant keep my past locked away anymore and I now have to face my demons-I cant confront my mum she died when I was 11 -but I dont think I would and for this same reasoning I dont think you should approach yours either - they did this to us,they cant take it back what really matters is us and how we can live with what happened to us.

Its not very mn but I dont care ((hug for u)) xx.

[MummikinsOopNorth]

Nemofish, you are one of the most inspirational people I have ever come across. Absolutely amazing that despite all you have been through, you are off the heroin. Very well done to you! I really don't know what to advise you r.e. your mother and the pills, but I think you are a wonderful person.

[Nemofish]

Thank you all for you lovely words!

I would love to tell my mother 'what for' but yes it probably would be counterproductive and change nothing. She won't have a change of heart or personality just because I finally tell her what I think to her face (Oh but I can dream can't I?!)

I think further therapy is the way to go. I had thought I was 'past' that and able to do the work oon my own, but I have become stuck again. I know there's no shame in that.

And yes MummikinsOopNorth I am feckin amazing!

Will google Schema therapy thanks skihorse

[flibertygibet]

Nemofish...do you go to NA meetings? Can you get yourself to one? If you want I can find a meeting for you to go to. Sounds like the support of others in recovery can help you at least get through this thing with your mum.

Well done for getting this far in life - against the odds you are here. And that's what matters right now. Hang in there. We're all here for you.

And put down that bottle of Nurofen+

[verytellytubby]

I was going to suggest NA meetings and CBT. My husband has come so far with both. You know you have the strength in you as you have beaten the hardest addictions. What a heartbreaking childhood and you are still fighting. Amazing!

[MakeYerOwnDamnDinner]

Hello Nemo.

You already know that self medicating negative emotions with substances is not a healthy long term strategy. The substances in the end just add more shit on top of everything else.

You got yourself together and off the smack - that is NOT easy and takes a lot of courage.

It seems to me that what you're saying is those feelings you were numbing are still there, and the temptation is to still use substances to try to medicate them. Don't be under any illusions here - addiction to painkillers can be very damaging. Nip this in the bud before it gets out of control.

What I would suggest first is that you access treatment at your local drug and alcohol centre - your G.P. can refer you or you can self-refer if you would prefer that.

As far as confronting your mother is concerned, that can only ever be your call. What I would say though is if you do decide to do that (some survivors of abuse have found it very cathartic) you have to be prepared for every possible reaction and know you can deal with it. How might she react? She could deny it or minimise it, she could become aggressive, nasty or angry. She might try to emotionally manipulate you and make you feel bad for bringing it up. Have a tight support network in place of people that will be there for you afterwards. And know that you can remain steadfast in your knowledge of what happened, and not allow yourself to be made to doubt your own truth.

Take lots of care, and don't allow yourself to fall back into addiction. Get some support now.

[peanutbrittle]

I see you are interested in reiki an dholistic therapies - have you ever tried mindfulness based techniques or meditation? I've found both absolutely FANTASTIC in the last year helping me get over some issues but more importantly helping me CHANGE MY WAY OF VIEWING MYSELF, MY THOUGHTS AND THE WORLD AROUND ME

I've not had half as horrendous a history as you (god, you ARE amazing!) but have had the low self esteem, very strained relnship with mother when she was alive (though happily we were quite close in the few years before she died) eating disorders throughout my teens and twenties, alcohol problems throughout my twenties and thirties, now shacked up with an alcoholic H who I need to get away from etc etc etc...so, you can see somehwat similar patterns though nowhere near as drastic. I do quite like nurofen plus too and have to be quite careful about taking more than I need on a more regular basis than I need for "that toothache" that "leg ache" that "lifeache" Anyway, what I am trying to say is that meditation and midful techniques have pretty much got me going on what I think will be a life long journey towards a much more positive place

the NHS hasd started to recognise this too (see my other thread) and I know MBCT (Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy) is on offer in a few places now, easier to access if you are in london or somewhere of course

if you are interested in finding out more about any of this stuff just let me know, I'm a bit evangelical as I have felt the change for myself and it has been hugely beneficial and liberating

best of luck

[JustAnotherManicMummy]

Nemo how are you feeling today?

[LauraIngallsWilder]

Nemo - I am trying to write something sensible that doesnt sound patronising or trite and have given up [bluah]

So I have settled on:

I have read your post, how absolutely awful - if my punching your mother would help, I gladly would!

[ItsGraceAgain]

Hi, Nemo, just another friendly pat from me

You have done amazingly well to put your life as straight as it is.

You are completely justified in feeling FURIOUS with your hopeless mother, who is clearly several sandwiches short of a picnic. I imagine she can't help the way she is - but then, Haiti couldn't help having an earthquake. It doesn't make the suffering any less real.

Confront your mother if it makes you feel better - I have to say this, in case you still suffer from a misguided sense of loyalty and (god help you) responsibility for her well-being. Confront her if you want to. I think you understand the responses you will get. Keep confronting her, if you want to! therealsmithfield posted a neat outline of how to handle her responses, at the top of the Stately Homes thread. But understand you'll only be confronting her for your own benefit. It won't bring you 'resolution', because she is incapable of providing it ... but go ahead, if you want to. It'll hurt her feelings. Tough.

FGS, don't up your codeine intake any more.

I agree, you need to 'out' your anger. Telling your mum might help, and you need a great deal more in terms of dealing with/dissipating/facing your anger, which is entirely justified. Personally I'd recommend both a new therapist (for talking therapies, not the quick-fix methods mentioned above) and targeted physical outlets. Running helps, though you need a violent sport as well ime. Squash is good & violent. I had great fun with kick-boxing classes.

As well as anger, you need to feel your sadness and your sympathy for your young self If you're that way inclined, you can try to express it via writing or painting. I couldn't have done it without therapy, but I get the impression you're a stronger character than me - your mind may be focussed enough to express your self without guidance.

Hope some of this was some help

[Nemofish]

Ooh LauraIngallsWilder I don't think so, she has a killer left hook...

Have read all posts and admitted to myself that although on a 'break' from my favourite drug, Nytol, I will probably go back to it in a few days time, it is certainly the lesser of two evils as far as the nurofen plus is concerned! It has been getting me through the night (albeit every night) and I find it difficult to see it as a bad thing.

But I recognise that it is not a good long term strategy.

I have been looking at the mindfulness meditation / Celestine Prophecy type route for a while now. I think that I am just scared of it. My mother would have seen it as a symptom of me being a 'hippy' and 'abnormal' and so on. (Despite being a total 60's flower child who dropped LSD while pg)

It is fucking ridiculous, I am 33 next week and still so concerned about what mummy thinks. I haven't seen her for years, and I still want her approval. Bonkers.

[Nemofish]

Thanks ItsGraceAgain. I have done some kick boxing and it made me cry! I didn't feel able to handle the aggression of the sport, punching people or being punched was just awful.

I do have a healthy gym habit which really helps, but have been unable to go during the 'big freeze' and now I need to start it up again. Always an effort.

I very much take your point about expressing and processing anger and also empathy for my younger self. I think that all the sadness, pain and anger about what happened to Young Nemofish is what is causing this upsurge of emotion I am feeling.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Cool Kick-boxing made you cry? It was working then! (or hadn't you seen it that way?)

{{{{little Nemo}}}}