would you think differently about a friend if you found out they had been having an affair for 5 yrs with their friends dh

[brimfull]

tis very weird feeling

I feel quite cheated as well

[purpleturtle]

I think it would have to have an effect. I can understand you feeling cheated, because she must have lied to you at various points over the last few years.

[pagwatch]

yes.

[Poledra]

Yes, I would. She wouldn't be the person I thought she was. I'm not saying I wouldn't get over it (it's not really my business) but it would change the way I felt.

[countrybump]

yes

[Bucharest]

Yes, because even though she might still be a good friend to you, as Purple says, at some point, you must have been lied to and she obviously didn't think you enough of a friend to tell the truth to.

[brimfull]

yes , don't know how I feel

think twice about believing what she says now

[brimfull]

I am glad I didn't know whilst the affair was going on as I am friendly with her dh as well and her kids..would have been very awkward.

[Poledra]

TBH, Bucharest, I'm not sure I would have wanted to know the truth. I suppose it would depend upon whether the friend whose DH is cheating on her was also my friend. Then I'd really struggle with it.

[morningpaper]

Gosh I would just feel really sorry for her on all sorts of levels and would want to be there to support her

[Malificence]

She would no longer be my friend.
I can't stand liers.
Has she told you or have you found out via a third party?

[ChickensLoveMarmite]

Yep, I would certainly look at her with new eyes.

[Lulumama]

of course, people who can lie, dissemble and deceive for years, are not people i would want as friends, as if they won't be faithful and honest to their own DH,why woul dthey be with you?

[brimfull]

I am there for her

I think it's the fact that she did it to a very good friend of hers that's shocked me.

[Lulumama]

you;d feel sorry for someone hvaing an affair for 5 years, MP? on what basis?

[brimfull]

She confessed all becasue the other wife has found out.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Yes definitely. To find out someone is capable of lies and deception on that scale must change how you feel about them, even if their actions have no direct effect on you.

I would also disapprove and judge hugely.

[brimfull]

I have not judged , I have supported her becasue she is in bits.
Privately I am so shocked though and weirdly quite hurt.
I cried ffs!

[DecorHate]

i understand how you feel - two friends of mine are in the process of divorcing their husbands. Undoubtedly the dhs displayed some challenging behaviours during the marriages but both women were prepared to put up with it - until they met someone else.

Fair enough to want to separate because of certain issues but I feel far less sympathetic knowing they effectively have been unfaithful to their dhs.

[ChickensLoveMarmite]

I would also put on my biggest, sparkliest judgey pants, Alibaba.

[Malificence]

It's a little bit late to be "in bits" imho.
Five years?

Serves her right.

[MarineIguana]

Doesn't affect me myself, but I have a friend whose close friend has been having an affair with a married man, whose wife she knows too, for ages and is now pg. (I don't know the friend of friend IYSWIM)

She (my friend) is supportive of her friend and it's made me think. On the one hand, that's true friendship, not judging her for it all, and still being there for her. But, I don't think I could be quite the same. I really don't have much respect for people who can do this. I'm afraid I would think less of her.

[brimfull]

Very close friend though- don;t want to lose her friendship becasue of this.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

MP - really? Why should someone be pitied for making the choice to break their marriage vows and lie to their husband and children, not to mention parents/friends and whoever else?

My aunt had an affair for 10 years, eventually it all came out when she finally left my uncle. The collateral damage was huge - her parents, my uncles parents were devastated, and she has all but lost contact with my cousin and her grandchildren.
Affairs are awful, awful things and anyone who tries then 'I can't help it, poor me' line disgusts me.

sorry, v.close to home.

[Lulumama]

i would try to understand what would drive someone to do this, but i would judge.

if the home life was so terrible,that she felt 'driven' into th earms of another, then maybe leaving should have been considered, rather than an affair, and such a long one.

it makes a mockery of so much and the wife of th man she was cheating with will feel robbed of the last 5 years

you just can't do that to people

[Malificence]

I think I have dibs on the biggest Judgey pants of all.
I've cut people off for far less.