Is this normal?

[gosssipgirl]

Name changed in case anyone knows who I am.

I have been married for 2.5yrs now and been with my DH for about 4 years all together.

DH is driving me nuts..... I love him so so much and would never want to be without him. I wouldn't want my DS to be without his father either.

DH doesn't help me in the house BUT he does pay for a cleaner to come every week.

He doesn't cook, at all. Not even for DS. I mean he'll make him a sandwich but that's about it. I have to prepare everything in advance if I am leaving him alone all day. BUT he does let me spend whatever I want on food/posh pre-prepared deli means, takeaway if I can't be bothered to cook etc.

He doesn't fix things in the house unless I ask a million times (and he is in the trade so knows how!) No BUT to this one really.

He is a very loving father but he is so lazy. He would never take DS out on his own and has to be pestered to go anywhere at the weekends (claiming to be tired from working all week). He just lies on the sofa and watches TV. I have also caught him watching what he wants on TV in the living room and having cartoons on for DS in the kitchen

I hate this and it's driving me mad.

I am sure DS isn't suffering as I do lots with him in the week -
Monday: Nursery
Tuesday: Regular lunch date with my best friend and her DD
Wednesday: Nursery
Thursday: Local playgroup
Friday: Sure Start
My DM also takes DS to various friend's houses/church/park/village events etc.

I know he is tired but I really think he should be making more of an effort.

When I nag him to go out he acts as though I am so unreasonable and just refuses so I either go alone with DS or just stay at home.

I recently had a MC and now DH is on about trying again for another baby and I find myself secretly thinking "why do you even want another baby if you're too lazy to look after the first?"

Sorry this is a bit of a rant. Any thoughts?

[lilolilmanchester]

I see where you are coming from; but your DH probably thinks he is providing for you (with cleaner/pay whatever you need to for food etc).

I am sure you DS isn't suffering because he is well cared for, has your attention, is well fed etc etc.

Your DH is missing out by not building a close relationship with DS. It would be easy to say that this is because he is lazy, and this might be the case, but this could also be because he is frightened. YOu are clearly very capable and it could be that DH is intimidated by that?

Or it could be that he has NOOOOO idea what is involved in looking after a child, and perhaps he thinks that by providing a cleaner/ability to spend a lot of money on convenience foods that he's done his bit? Any chance you could get someone to babysit,take him out for a meal and discuss? I really, really think that he might think he is doing his bit by providing the money, that obviously isn't enough to help you -but does he know that?? Alternatively, he could be a lazy slob who is treating you badly - but that is not my gut feel based on what you've written xx

[gosssipgirl]

Thanks for repplying.

Yes I do think he feels he is doing his bit in "providing" as you say.

Also, I think I might be a little to blame for being "too capable" and ppl have said this to me before (in RL) for example, my DH would never change DS while I am around, he would just tell me he needs changing

Fair play, he does work 40 hours a week (I work 14 out of choice) and he must be tired but he finishes at 5pm on a Friday until 9am on a Monday so a lot of ppl have it much harder.

I should say we do go away for weekends/holiday once every 6 weeks or so and he does make the effort then just not on a normal boring weekend.

He is currently asleep on the sofa.

Snoring.

Git.

[fed up emoticon]

[shushpenfold]

Hmm

I'll be honest - the only thing which I would be slightly annoyed at is the 'not doing anything with DS ever'. You are a SAHM I assume and in my book that means fair division of labour - you do the house stuff, full stop - you have a cleaner and so are v lucky in my book. DIY, fair enough, you could share...although to be honest I woulnd't know where to start and as MY dh points out, he's paid to be a ..... and wouldn't expect decorator to know how to to that so why should HE know how to decorate (for instance) It sounds like a typical 'one child family' so far - my DH was vastly less helpful when we had one child as opposed to now that we have 3 - we just muck in together. Also though, my dh liked doing things at the weekend with children AND me - not on their own. You do have to let him flop about a bit though as he has been working all week...and no that doesn't mean that you haven't!

[shushpenfold]

OK - so not completely a SAHM. Difficult situation then. Another child may help as you then have one adult to one child IFSWIM....he has no excuse then!

[gosssipgirl]

Yes not exactly SAHM, I go to work when DS is at nursery on Mon & Wed morning and I enjoy the adult company this brings.

I guess I just feel DH should be putting more effort into DS, not just putting ITNG on and sitting in the other room!!!!!

I just worry after we have another baby the TV will be on even more and DH has to occupy DS for longer and TBH he is already letting him watch too much IMO.

When I do force him to go out he does enjoy it and doesn't sulk IYKWIM but it's a battle to get him out the house on a Sat/Sun.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Is the problem that he isn't "involved" with family life? It's that old-fashioned man thing, isn't it, where it all works out on paper but you still feel taken for granted. Generally speaking, old-fashioned husbands have absolutely no idea you're not in a state of permanent bliss

In your place, I'd give him an old-fashioned talking to! Explain that he isn't bonding with his son, he can't possibly consider having another one until he engages more actively with his family, and spell out the things that will make a difference to you.

Don't forget to include dinner out once a week or something: as well as bonding with DS, there's also the bonding between you to consider!

I don't think DIY is anywhere on the worry scale, as long as it gets done somehow.

[gosssipgirl]

We've made plans to go away together in May just the two of us to bond with each other.

I do think he's quite old-fashioned though - not a modern man!

[macdoodle]

oh FFS, I am a single mum to 2 DD's (8 and 2)and I work over 30 hours a week AND do everything else!
He is a lazy arse!

[gosssipgirl]

You're right macdoodle he IS a lazy arse but I do love him to bits!

[giveitago]

OK my thoughts

On initial reading I thing - lucky lady - you have cleaner - you go away as a family. I don't have cleaner - dh works about 50 hour week - we have spent about 25 days as a family (not joking here) since ds born 3.5 year ago.

Then I remember my situation which is SHITE (ie spend about the same time per year as a family as others wuld spend in one month of weekends because he's a mummy's boy and wants to only spend time with her.Refuses to do anything with ds and me without her.

I think your situatino is OK but you are bored. Yep, if you're very capable your partner will probably take more of a back seat but quite honestly I've done a much longer working week than your dp and I've done much much more at home and ensured we've had more of a life.

Dunno - I'd love your position BUT if you haven't talked to him about it you won't ever find out his motives.

Sounds like you both pull your weight but perhaps not empathise with one another - talk to him - really talk. You might find he's feels that dc is sorted with you alone and you can correct him on that score.

[gosssipgirl]

giveitago, do you mean your DH refuses to do anything without his mother?

[giveitago]

Gossip - we've spent very little time together as family (ie three people) but far more of his holidays is us spending time with mil - so yes - he only wants to do things as a family if it involves his mum.

BUT my point is that his is a taking love - he needs ds far more than ds appears to need him. H is overprotective - wants ds around when he's around - hugs him all the time but won't do anything with ds d(ie last year he didn't take ds to the park once - possibly taken ds to the park about 4 times in 3.5 years).

But ds goes out lots as I take him - but I still think ds is being let down.

[Kiwinyc]

He behaves tlike this because you let him. Have a conversation about how you feel he should be spending more time both a) pulling his weight around the house and b) having a relationship with his son.

For a) Agree mutually a list of chores that each of your is responsible for. Once agreed, you each own them, and are responsible for carrying them out. YOu are allowed to remind each other to do them.

For b) Tell (don't ask) him you're going out shopping/to the gym/to see some friends/ whatever and that you'll be out from x to y time and that DS is all his.

Then go out. Don't leave instructions, or any sort of routine to follow, just leave him to it. Don't be surprised if the house is trashed when you get home, the point will have been made.

The other thing you can try as well is book DS into swimming or football lessons or Gymboree or something and tell DH he's taking him to those.

[gosssipgirl]

Kiwi that's exactly what I want, I want to go out and have DH take DS to some kind of activity but he won't do it.

He's fine looking after him and I often do go out on a Saturday but he keeps him cooped up inside watching TV all day.

I tried to get us all to go to mini-moovers on Sat but DH said no way - too tired.

I suggested the father's group at Sure Start one Sunday a month so he could meet other dad's he said no way, didn't even want to know what it entailed.

giveitago does MIL live near-by? DH has never taken DS anywhere alone ever.... He is almost 20 months.

[giveitago]

No mil lives abroad!!!!!!! Last year we took ds on holiday for a week and out one day (all organised by me) - h works in catering so has antisocial hours to a degree but when at home sleeps.

It feel like a single parent scenario but with the disadvantage of looking after another adult who contributes nothing other than money.

FFS - I know people who work 60+ hours who contribute more to the upbringing of their kids. The danger for you (which is what we do) , the more lax he is - the more dynamic I become - the more dynamic I become the less he does.

Put it this way - we as a couple spent ZERO time together last year - me for myself - well I had one haircut last year.

I'm working on my issues but you must ensure that you do not get into my situation.

[gosssipgirl]

I just hope when DS gets older he will nag his father to take him outside, even into the garden FFS!

Looking forward to spending some alone time with DH in May and hopefully we can reconnect a bit....