What does this mean? About to lose my rag big time

[LimboLand]

Since Christmas my DH is a whole new person, not a good thing in this case. He has become really miserable, and is now getting very very nasty. He has today accused me of cheating on him, because his guitar was moved (!) and I had put some rubbish in a bin bag - so of course this means there must have been someone in the house. Oh also someone called me the other day, they got the wrong number - another 'sign' (apparently it was not a wrong number but my 'boyfriend'???!).

Why is he doing this? He keeps picking fights over nothing. He is also barely calling me when I'm out. I feel like he may be cheating on me but I have nothing to say he is really...

I feel so upset. What is he doing?!

[BitOfFun]

Projecting?

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Paranoia OR
He is cheating OR
he's a fucking twat
Does he have any MH issues? Smoke a lot of weed?

[NotQuiteCockney]

My first thought was, as others have said, that he's up to something, and feeling guilty, and projecting ...

[GibbonInARibbon]

If it is very out of character I would wonder about MH issues. Does he use drugs at all?

[LimboLand]

Sorry to sound stupid but what are MH issues (MH?)?

He is being exceptionally weird - just picking fights about anything, looking for any reason to place blame on me for something or other.

I can stand a lot but I am not a cheat - I have never even contemplated being unfaithful and he knows that about me. I find it really rude to be honest and I am getting to the point where I give up.

Any ideas on how I can sort this out?

[LimboLand]

Oh also no he doesn't use drugs, they are not easily available where we live and he has never used them when at home.

He has started drinking more at home....

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Mental Health. You can't sort it out, at least not on your own and not if you don't know what's up. You need to show him this is not acceptable somehow and let him work out the rest. You cannot change his behaviour to you, he has to do that.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Oh - the alcohol use is worrying - do you think he has a problem?

[mamazon]

what makes you feel he is cheating on you?

It is quite common for men who feel guilty about their own infidelity to project those feelings onto their partners.
do you have any other suspicions?

Mental health issues is indeed another consideration. has he been very stressed at work? any major incidents recently?

or he could just be being a twunt.

[GypsyMoth]

how old is he? any changes at work?

[Anniegetyourgun]

XH was frequently like this, in his case it was a MH problem and the signs were always there. If yours just suddenly started to act like this, temptation to stray sounds like a pretty likely explanation, sorry. Alternatively someone has done an Iago on him, and convinced him you're cheating.

I'm kind of a forthright person and I'd be likely to stare him straight in the eye and say with dignity "Lately you have been grumpy and rude and have accused me at least twice of having an affair. I can only assure you I am doing nothing of the sort, but I tell you now that I will not stand for this unpleasant behaviour. We have a household to run and children to raise; we need to pull in the same direction. If you can't be nice, at least be humanly polite."

I would neither ask him what happened to change things, as he will inevitably turn it round to be your fault, nor accuse him of anything other than the bad behaviour. If he is up to something, accusing him of it will prompt him to hide his tracks, but either way he will get terribly righteously offended and use it as an excuse to be even more unpleasant.

[HappyWoman]

my first reaction was cheating and he is deflecting it. He wants you to end the relationship so he does not have to take responsibility for it.

If he head has been turned he is hardly likely to see you in a good light is he?

When my was having an affair i really thought it was mh issues he changed so much.
I couldnt do anything right at the time and i felt i was in a no win situation and at breaking point.

It is hard unless you find the cause and if he is having an affiar he is hardly going to tell you straight away unless he really does want to leave. (many people have affairs not because they want to leave the marriage but because they can for a while have both). He may be confused himself at the moment and so acting badly.

Good luck

[LimboLand]

He is having a bad time at work yes, but I refuse to accept that as an excuse. I just feel as though there has to be something more substantial - he keeps telling me I have 'ruined' the relationship, to which I respond that he is welcome to go (not helpful i know, but I will not beg him to stay!).

I just feel it's weird to suddenly feel your relationship is ruined and that it's all your partner's fault, when nothing has actually happened....at least on my part.

Why do I suspect cheating - well I will admit that I am incredibly insecure, always have been. I do trust him and it took a long time to get to that point but now...I don't know. He is a lot better looking than me for example, and always has girls looking him up and down. This bothers me no end, but he usually hugs me right in front of them, or holds my hand...something to signal that he is with me. Recently he has become a lot less affectionate too. I just think, with the number of women who try it on with him, it is not impossible that he could have accepted an offer.

I am desperately sad right now - I did nothing wrong but I am being treated as though I did. This is not fair is it?

[LimboLand]

Sorry - forgot to address some questions - he is 28, and yes I do think the alcohol may be a problem, he was not brought up with 'normal' alcohol consumption (i.e. mum and dad having a small glass of wine with dinner) - in fact there was no alcohol around at all, so I think he is not aware of what is appropriate and what isn't (I would say drinking before work, even though it's a night shift, is not good, and drinking alone is also IMHO not good)

[EcoMouse]

No, it isn't fair.

My X behaved the same when he was having an affair (combined MH issues & affair, they often seem interlinked). All of a sudden, I could do no right but actually, it wasn't me at all.

He was demonising me, needing to find fault with me to 'justify' what he was doing.

In my case, it was almost a relief to find out why. I honestly thought I was losing the plot!

[LimboLand]

So....what do I do? Just sit and wait for him to slip up? I'm not near family and don't have too many friends. I love him and wish he would just go back to normal...ugh I know I sound desperate

[EcoMouse]

Your name says it all sweetheart. I'll never forget that feeling.

I don't know what the answer is for you. I did remain in limbo until things became clear and the wait was absolutely horrific.

You can't change his behaviour. You can't make him be honest with you if he is being unfaithful. You can only decide what behaviour you are prepared to accept and accept no less x

[snowpoint]

I'm with HappyWoman and EcoMouse, it happened to me and EcoMouse is totally right, the limbo aspect is is truly horrific to go through.

Don't let this go on too long, face it and bring it to a head as soon as you can, is the best advice I can give. If you want to know what he's up to, start digging. How does he behave with his mobile?

[tartyhighheels]

This does sound really dodgy and you know in yourself if something is wrong. Maybe he is up to something and picking a fight to cause a drama and make himself feel justified.

On the other hand, if someone is really acting out of character and drinking more then perhaps depression is an issue. The idea that depressed people are always sat in a chair gazing at their navel is all wrong. They can be very aggresive, paranoid, violent and treat those around them very badly.

That said, like the ladies above I think he is up to something. He could be very stressed because the pressure is too much. Accusing the innocent party of having an affair is standard stuff because he wants to perhaps justify what he is doing.

Most importantly, do not take any shit of him if he is being nasty. He sounds a bit of his nut and if the nasty words transform in violence run for the bloody hills. I am really sorry for you too, it sounds like a horrible situation and I really hope it resolves soon.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Limbo, it's amazing how often this behaviour happens when someone is cheating - something I never knew about at the time, more's the pity.

It seems absurd but there's a kind of relief when you realise there was a reason for the anger, the finding fault, the criticism and the stress. It's horrible while it's going on though - I felt like I was withering. What didn't help at the time was that two of my new business clients were also behaving very badly towards me (something I hadn't experienced in all the years I'd been running my business) and at times, it felt like the world was against me. Thank goodness for my friends at that time - had it not been for the positive strokes I got from them during this period, I might have gone under.

Mine did no projection about cheating (far too complacent) but he was uncharacteristically interested in an exchange of innocent E mails I had with an old male friend - at about the time he was also exchanging E mails with an old colleague (who later went on to be OW). So, probably a bit of projecting there too...

Like others have said, don't let this go on if you can help it. You'll probably be met with a denial, so in your shoes, I would be trying to find evidence. The phone is always the best key - but look for a second one. It seems that very accomplished cheaters tend to have a second phone on the go.

Also, try to pinpoint when you first started feeling unsettled - often the best clue is about how you were feeling yourself. Cross match that against what he was doing at that point.

If I'd been a member of Mumsnet in 2008, I would have been suspicious much earlier on, but the "infidelity clues" I'd read about just weren't there - it does seem to me that often, adulterers behave differently these days.

[PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow]

DP was like this when he thought I was cheating (I wasn't). It was awful. Hope you find out what's going on soon x