Ultimatum to end ping-pong behaviour...

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Was going to name change but thought I'd rather be "me" if that makes sense.

Have just issued an ultimatum of "you need to get this sorted by the end of this year or we're through" variety to man I've been seeing for six years and who is DD's father. Have effectively said that seven years is enough.

Basically, he was separated when we met but is still not divorced; doesn't live with us; and is not committing to us. I strongly suspect that he's actually not sure if he wants to be with us or his ex and two children.

Feeling a bit relieved to have said it but also a bit scared that he might actually make a decision! If he chooses us that means I then have to make a commitment to him (I'm quite commitment phobic). If he doesn't I'll be really upset but probably better off. I suppose he'll always be around in some way because of DD but I'm sure we can handle things in a civilised way.

Not sure what I'm hoping for by posting this - think it might just be cathartic to do it but also suspect there will be some blunt speaking here that I won't like very much!

Trying not to cry my eyes out in front of DD but it's hard not to. Just so fed up with being the one having to cope 90% alone with no end in sight.

[duke748]

Hi Belle.

Wow! I think you have been more than patient and an ultimatum is long overdue.

Is he still living in the house with his ex? Do you think he is still seeing her/sleeping with her?

What actions do you think would actually prove his commitment to you? Do you mean getting divorced? Do you mean moving in? Marriage? You need to be really clear in what you want when you talk to him.

Or, actually, did you say you have already spoken to him? What was his reaction? Did you give him a time to come back to you?

Good for you for asking for what you want. There is nothing at all wrong with doing that. Keep your head up. And of course, let us know what he says and where you go from there.

Good luck!

[BelleDameSansMerci]

He's not living in the house with his ex but he spends a lot of time there. I may be naive but I don't think they're sleeping together (but, really, I may be kidding myself).

I have told him that things can't go on as they are; that he needs to make a decision; that I want him here with us. I haven't said I want him to marry me although I would probably want that if I'm being honest. God, this it's hard to admit this stuff when I spend so much time pretending that I am happily independent and don't need anyone.

I do wonder if I'd been less independent at the outset then things might have been different by now.

He's said he'll be here tomorrow, weather permitting, so we shall see what happens then.

[havoc]

Do you really want him? Or are you just sick of fighting for his attention?

After 7 years together, why give him another whole year to make up his mind? Some men just love women fighting over them, you are letting this happen for yet another year.

Sorry if i have been too blunt. I'm wishing you the best.

[havoc]

Sorry, x post. I didn't get from your first post that you wanted commitment!

[SqueezyIsStartinAResolution]

Agree, a year is far too long. He has had enough time already.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Yeah, you're right. I should just force things now. I think it's partly because I don't feel I have the energy for big emotional scenes at the moment. Also, of course, this enables me to hide my head in the sand a lot longer. I haven't told him that he's got a year. I just said, "you've had six years to sort this, you're not getting seven." In my head, though, I'd decided a while ago that he could have until our 7th anniversary (October) so that's why I referred to a year in the OP.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

I mean a year in the post thingy...

[winnie09]

I have been the so-called ex in this scenario. My x husband no longer lived with me but we were still a couple and with our child a family. We originally lived together for several years but five years after he moved out we were still together and going around in circles. I finally put an end to it as he was not committing himself to us however many times he planned to move back in, only to discover 6 months later that he had been in a relationship with someone else, engaged to marry and I had been described as a needy ex wife! Whilst you have been with him for a long time please don't assume that he has no relationship with x just because he says so. Sorry.

[duke748]

Hi again Belle.

It seems that even now you are not being 100% honest with him about what you want. For example, you have given him a deadline of your 7th anniversary, but not told about this. And the same again about wanting marriage.

And again, I am still not 100% getting what commitment you want. You 'want him there with you' - does that mean living with you? Be careful to make this about you and your relationship, not about his kids with his ex. If he thinks you are asking him to choose between them and you, you will always lose.

Do you want him to spend less time with his ex? As you have been with him 6 years its not unreasonable to expect that you are part of his life with his kids now. Would you be happier if you and he spent time with his kids together? Would that be OK with his ex? Give him specifics of what your idea of commitment is.

Is it about less time/affection/energy/resources for his ex? Or is it about more of those things for you? Do you think the ex is the problem, or a bit of a red herring?

And why not in for a penny, in for a pound? Tell him what you really really want (who would have thought the Spice Girls would give such good advice?). Otherwise if he agrees to live with you, you will only feel satisfied for a while and then have the same feeling when he hasn't married you by a certain deadline. Its not fair on him to not be honest.

I know its painful to admit to wanting someone. But you aren't saying you need him, but that you want him. Its not weak to say what you want, quite the reverse. So, don't think about it as not being independent, but in fact being very independent!

[winnie09]

Meant to say I hope (obviously) that your situation is different

[BelleDameSansMerci]

winnie09 - in truth, I fear my situation is no different. I have no evidence on which to base that fear but it's there.

duke - you're right. What I want is for him to live with us; get divorced; and for us to get married. I want a proper family life for me and my little girl. I don't really know why I find it so very hard to admit that I want these things.

I do want him to spend more time with us but I absolutely do not want or expect him to cut his children out of his life in any way. His "ex" doesn't want the children spending time with me and I have to respect that. I'm sad about it but it's her prerogative.

[winnie09]

belle, I DO hope your situation is different but just because he says his ex doesn't want the children spending time with you doesn't mean she doesn't The lies I discovered Separating his life out is not a good sign imho BUT you are doing the right thing in giving him an ultimatum but whether he is being dishonest or not. Don't do what I did, which is not carry through the ultimatum. I did eventually but I went through years of misery first wanting to give him benefit of the doubt. x has now split up with other woman too. Despite their 'engagement' he has spent his entire time with her dodging commitment too. After finding out about me she gave him some time to commit to her but he just couldn't/wouldn't do it.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Yes, I haven't posted on here about the things he's said about her because I take all of them with a large pinch of salt. He did tell me something once and I responded with "well, I expect you drove her to it" and his response was "that's what she says". At that point, I thought we might have more in common than he thinks...

Anyway, we shall see what tomorrow brings.

Thank you for responding. You've really helped me to think more clearly about this.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

And I've stopped crying which helps me to see things more clearly too.

[havoc]

I'm glad you have stopped crying. I hope you get the answer you want tomorrow.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

StayFrosty - sadly makes perfect sense. I think you're right and my ultimatum is really to make him decide instead of me doing it. Ending a relationship by passive aggression?!

It doesn't look like I'll see him today either so I guess that tells me pretty much everything I need to know...

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Update - he didn't show up today and didn't even text or call to let me know.

I couldn't reach him by phone (big surprise) so I ended up sending him an email stating that since I wasn't able to see or speak to him I'd resorted to the written word. Spelt out that things have gone on far too long; that I don't want my DD growing up with an absent father; that I want a normal relationship; etc. Not surprisingly, I haven't had a response or even a phone call.

I think I have my answer really... Lots of tears this evening, I expect, but it's not like I've never been in this situation before. Just feel very sad and worn out really. So, so tired. I can't say I've wasted six years (although it feels that way) as I have my beautiful DD. Feeling a bit of a fool tbh.

Anyway, thank you for your advice and thoughts and thank you also for helping me to find the strength to do this.

[SleighGirl]

Argh I'm sad to read that it appears you have been strung along by him. Being positive at least you are now free to rebuild your life and perhaps meet someone who is worthy of your love and committment.

[winnie09]

Belle, I am sorry you have been left waiting.

Is he often difficult to get hold of? You imply that his ignoring you isn't unusual.

You will have the strength to get through this I feel furious on your behalf. {{{}}}

[MrsMattie]

Can I be brutally honest? he sounds like an absolute shit. You are better off without him.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Thank you. I'm a tough old bird so I'll be ok. Not got any financial dependencies on him either so not in the awful predicament that so many women find themselves in. It'll be fine. If I keep saying it, I'll believe it!

[ItsGraceAgain]

Good lord, you did it! Well done!

It is hard to handle a loss, even when you never really had what you lost iyswim. There's the loss of that mad hope it all might change and so on. I'm sure there were good times - and, as you say, you've got your beautiful daughter

So he served a useful purpose

Enjoy your new clarity! Take care of your self. xx

[ninah]

what absolutely craven cowardice on his part not to reply
all the best to you
Personally I would never date a 'currently separated' bloke again - I was involved with someone last year who 'kept meaning to' get divorced and it turned out to be a real dead end
I'm sure you've not heard the last of him, however - stay strong and stick to your principles. If you want marriage and a home life don't settle for less

[ninah]

while we're in a musical vein - Aretha
R.E.S.P.E.C.T