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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Oh what to do?????????

32 replies

lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 15:57

Hi all, I'm new on here, haven't posted before but have been reading lots of threads. Hoping for some sage advise from you ladies!

Dp and I have had many many problems in our 4 years together, briefly...he's had a drinking/drug problem, was awful while I was pg with ds (2:10). Abandoned us at birthing centre and didn't have anything to do with ds for the first 6 months of his life. Anyway things got worse and I ended up leaving, left for 7 months but decided to come back blush for ds's sake.

Things really aren't going well again (have been back since March). The main issue now is with a dog! I had wanted a dog for a long time so spent 6 months researching the correct breed for our family and decided on a cocker spaniel, we got her and all was going well. Dp however, wasn't satisfied and wanted a more 'manly' dog so in September we made a rushed decision to get an english bull terrier pup from a friend (I say desicion, what I mean is I gave in to stop him going on and on)

Basicly ever since our lives have been chaos, this dog has caused sooo much stress for all of us, she's a lovely dog but so much hard work, our house has been trashed, she is becoming so strong I am struggling to walk her, there is constant fighting/wrestling between the 2 dogs and I don't want to deal with it anymore. Have tried talking to dp several times, he is adament she is not going as she is 'his dog' even though he is out of the house 12 hours a day and all the extra work of course comes down to me.

All in all this is just another stressful situation that I feel he has caused and I don't know if I can really put up with this anymore. My family dearly wish I would leave him, my sister described our relationship yesterday as 'a constant headache' and she's right.

I'm sure I probably should leave for good but it's just such a huge desicion....any advice welcome!

Sorry if this is all a bit garbled, hard to explain 4 years of problems in a short space!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2010 16:04

Think actually the dog is the latest in a long line of problems within your relationship, problems that you alone cannot fix.

He cares more for this animal than either of you.

Why are you still with this man, what is in this relationship for you now?. Your DS deserves better frankly, this man is no decent role model for your DS to be looking up to is he. He is not doing you any good either because he is doing your self esteem and self worth in. Returning solely for DS's sake was nother mistake in a long line of mistakes with regards to him.

Think your family have a point, why not take heed. The longer this goes on, the more ground down you will become by him.

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 16:11

Thanks Attila I was kind of expecting that. I know deep down that we are not good together. I grew up in a single parent family and so wanted a 'normal' family life for my child which is why part of me thinks I should keep trying. I've read many times on MN that if there is no physical violence you should do everything you can to keep the family together...

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2010 16:22

"I've read many times on MN that if there is no physical violence you should do everything you can to keep the family together..."

Oh yeah?. Sorry but I've never seen that particular message being sent out at all and I've been on here for some years now.

If you keep trying with this relationship that is basically defunct and dysfunctional you are flogging a dead horse. He is patently not bothered with either you or your son. He is selfish to boot, a common trait too in people with addiction problems. It will do neither you or your son any good at all to be in such a relationship that is so one sided.

Your partner went on and on about wanting a more "manly" (he has a ridiculous attitude) dog, a dog that you've got responsibility for now even though he says it is "his dog". Sounds like he wants all the rights but not any responsibilities on his part and that is applying to all areas of his life. He is a selfish twunt and unfortunately you chose badly when it came to him.

You have a choice with regards to this idiot, your son does not. Do you really want your son growing up in such an environment?.

You have had 4 years of crap from your partner, do you really want another 4,5 years of the same?. Because this is what you're potentially signing up to if you were to remain with him.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable. You yourself came from a single parent family. There are many types of families out there, you can make a happier life for yourself and your son if you choose to do so. What you have now is certainly not a "normal" and happy family life.

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GypsyMoth · 13/01/2010 16:30

No violence then you should work it put?? No. I think you have mis read that,it's if there's no 'abuse'

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SqueezyIsStartinAResolution · 13/01/2010 16:31

What Atilla says.

Also bear in mind that these lessons are the ones you (and him) are teaching your children about how relationships should be. You can teach them to grow up and have good relationships by dealing with this one even if it means leaving him.

You sound like you deserve SO much better than this man

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Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2010 16:31

I'm sorry, is that the same MN that I read? Because I think it's mainly the people in abusive relationships who think they should keep it together as long as it's not violent (or even, occasionally, when it is), while the rest of us are screaming "RUN AWAY! NOW!"

It is good to try to have a normal relationship, not to give up at the first hurdle, and to be tolerant to one's partner's shortcomings. On the other hand, some people just aren't capable of having a normal relationship however hard you work at your side of it. Your DP seems to have no respect for you at all, and that isn't a basis for a relationship. You're holding the rest of it together despite him, not with him. He may have cleaned up his addictions but he hasn't turned out to be a very nice person even sober. So yes... in hindsight, letting him back was a mistake. (Hindsight's a wonderful thing, ain't it?)

If he loves his dog so much, they should be very happy on their own together. (Of course he'll have to pay someone - someone strong! - to walk it for him, oh, and someone else to clean the place up after it.)

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 16:37

Thanks for the comments, it was one lady in particular who made the comment about staying and I guess it just played on my guilty feelings about leaving.
It was a mistake to come back I admit that but if I'm honest I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of facing the future alone.....I know, I know, I'll slap myself now!

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overmydeadbody · 13/01/2010 16:37

Attila and others are right, where exaclt on MN do people advocate staying together if ou are unhappy unless there is violence?

Perhaps you are just reading what you want to read rahter than what is actually written.

Think about your life. You deserve to be happy. By your own admissions your life with this man is a constant headache, and he doesn't support yuou and you don't seem to be working as a family unit anyway so you will be better off leaving him.

A normal family doesn't mean one where both parents live together, it means one where the primary caregiver or caregivers can give their children their best because they themselves are content and fulfilled in life.

By putting youyrself first, by putting your needs, your happiness, your strss levels first, you are also putting your DS's needs first, because what he needs is a mummy who is happy, content and coping.

You know you have no future with this man. So leave him. You only have one life and you ar wasting it staying.

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Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2010 16:40

Your spaniel will also thank you for it!

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DuelingFanjo · 13/01/2010 16:42

Do you love him? Your partner that is, not your dog.

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overmydeadbody · 13/01/2010 16:44

You don't face a future alone though, if you leave you face a better new future full of possibility and opportunity.

By staying you are missing out on a better future with the possibility of being with a partner who is good for you and who enhances your life and makes it better, more fun, more full of love.

Take charge of your future and make sure you get the most out of what life has to offer. Leave this man who you are not compatible with.

Your DS will not thank you for staying. That is guaranteed.

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 16:45

Yes she will!!! She lived like a queen before and is most disgruntled by the new addition.
It will take me a while to save some money to move though, I think it's the financial security that I'm clinging to right now.

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ninah · 13/01/2010 16:47

you may be able to train the dog but get rid of your partner
single life doesn't have to be 'abnormal' you know

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 16:47

Duel...
I do have love for him, but he makes it hard for me to love him most of the time and he knows that

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 16:50

Oh I know ninah, we were much happier without my Dad (very violent) but it's just very hard that's all

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 13/01/2010 16:54

Oh lions, it sounds like a total nightmare. What does this bloke bring into your life that's positive?

The "manly" dog thing is just ridiculous and Attila is spot on about the lack of taking responsibility for 'his' things.

As for your DC - does your partner spend any time with him? Feed him? Read him stories? take him out?

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 13/01/2010 16:59

And OMDB is right - you are further from having a good relationship than you would be if you were single. You have to a) ditch this man who seems to care nothing for his family, then b) meet a nice person who loves you and respects you and wouldn't dream of abandoning his partner while she was in labour or any of the other shitty ways in which he has made your life a misery.

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 17:00

In his defense he helps a lot around the house, cooks most of the dinners and is a hard worker in general. He has got better with ds but by his own admission has no patience with him. I work evenings so he puts him to bed and he did take him out for a day last summer!

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lionstigersandbearsohmy · 13/01/2010 17:03

Have to get ready for work now, will check in later. Really appriciate all your comments

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2010 17:22

lions,

re your comment:-

"In his defense he helps a lot around the house, cooks most of the dinners and is a hard worker in general. He has got better with ds but by his own admission has no patience with him".

That cuts no ice with me. The last sentence of yours in itself nullifies any previous "good" points re him that you wrote of in your above post. What good is a partner who by his own admission has no patience with your son?. Short answer to that is none. He is NO decent role model for your son is he?. Your son will learn from your P not to have any patience with you. You have yourself admitted that you and your P are not good together and this whole relationship is clearly not working. He honestly thinks more of the dog and he can't even be bothered to look after it properly even though he declares it is "his dog".

He works 12 hours a day as well, when is he ever around?. My guess is that you have to "jolly" him along and or plead with him to do anything because he is at heart a selfish twunt.

What do you actually love about this man?. Is he really a project of yours to try and rescue and or save because no-one else but you can really understand him, you could not manage without him or he says that no-one else would ever want you if you leave him (or he tells you as much)?. Is this what you've been led by him to believe?. If you are thinking that then you really are on a hiding to nothing.

You cannot act as someone's rescuer and or saviour in a relationship, it just does not work. All you're doing now is enabling him and enabling only gives you a false sense of control.

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overmydeadbody · 13/01/2010 19:34

My God, he took his own DS out for a whole day last summer! Give the guy a medal!!!!!

Lions listen to yourself, this hardly makes him a 'good catch' or worth wasting your life staying with.

He doesn't sound like a great dad, he sounds like he is doing what he has to do as a dad, but no more. One day last summer?! I'm sorry but if that is something you think is worth commenting on then you are seriously disillusioned with how much dads should are are involved in thier children's lives.

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overmydeadbody · 13/01/2010 19:38

lions do you realise that most fathers who are seperated from their partners and don't live with their children spend more than one day a summer with them? At least, the ones who are proper fathers do. Your DH is not providing a normal family upbringing for your DS anyway, so you really do have no feeble exzcuses to stay.

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ILoveGregoryHouse · 13/01/2010 19:41

Lions, think I know the thread you are referring to and remember the individual as very much a lone voice about leaving where there is no "abuse". I agree with others, this guy is a complete twunt and needs a severe (metaphorical) kick up the arse. You deserve better.

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Batteryhuman · 13/01/2010 19:47

In the meantime you are stuck with this dog 12 hours a day. i would suggest you post on the Pets thread. There are some fantastic dog behaviour gurus who may be able to help. Far easier to fix a dog than a man.

Not ignoring the man problems BTW just no one else has really mentioned the bullterrier.

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overmydeadbody · 13/01/2010 19:50

and I agree completely with Attila and all the advice she gives. She talks a lot of sense and I would have written what she did if she hadn't got there first.

Please properly take in this advice and take your future into your own hands and change. You do not have to live like this and you do not need to defend this man.

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