why do i get so upset about friendships not working out

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

I am happy,friendly,outgoing,sensitive and popular but I get so down feeling if I want to be friends with someone and it doesn't work out as I would like.
Why do I get like this and how can I care about things a little bit less?

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

anyone else out there like this?
I know it's good to have feelings but I get swamped by them and can't let them go.

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

I can't descibe what the problem is properly ~ I have a lot of friends but sometimes,when I want a special friend and they don't seem as interested I get upset,or just generally care a lot about people's response to me and the emotions I have I find quite uncomfortable?

I get strong feelings about films,books,and I'm terrible with bereavement and death... I just wish I didn't feel everything so deeply.

[GirlWiththeMouseyHair]

totally understand, especially if you make friends within a group and you realise others are making friends quicker and firmer than you - it's probably not anything personal but can't help but make you feel down.

Trouble with spreading myself so thinky over thousands of friends at uni makes me feel like I ought to have that many close relationships now which just isn't as sustainable.

Feelings always troubling, but remember how dull our lives would be without them....

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

Thanks for replying rasputin and girlwiththemouseyhair I just wish I could tone it down a bit sometimes

[GirlWiththeMouseyHair]

do you ever show people how you feel? I never do, am brillaint at bottling things up to the point where I start having nightmares about it all and convincing myself my friends all actually hate me and think I'm boring....

But then as I say, I think better to lead a technicolour life

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

maybe because it all seems a bit intense I can't decide whether to show my feelings or not so give out mixed messages

[EcoMouse]

Friendships - 'A reason, a season or a lifetime'

They tend to fall into one of those catagories. Not everyone you do befriend is meant to be in your life for a lengthy or deep stay. Some will be.

A friendship that isn't meant to be can become more detrimental than enjoyable and those are the ones that are destined to run their course, with good reason.

[Flowertop]

wdiftss - I do know exactly how you feel as pretty much everything you say sounds exactly like me. I get really upset and confused when I am part of a group but not in the heart iykwim. I tend to back off before I get hurt and don't really open up to people always appearing happy and at ease with myself. Inside I'm a wreck and feel everything acutley. I just think we are like that and can't really give you any advice. I tend not to analyse every relationship anytmore too much and just try to go with the flow.
XX

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

flowertop ~ that's really sweet of you to say ~ thanks

[MollyRoger]

whydoifeel - I am the same, horribly over sensitive and over empathic.
In fact, I am emotionally incontinent
If you are popular, you are obviously doing things 'right' and are likeable. So can you find a way to accept that in the same way that not everyone likes Stilton, not everyone is going to like you...

[GirlWiththeMouseyHair]

Flowertop I think you've described exactly how the majority of people probably feel and act

[laurielee]

whydoifeel - just wanted to say that I often feel like this too. I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, as I struggle with it myself, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I do agree with Flowertop though, maybe some of us are just like that and best just to try hard not to get too got down by it (easier said than done sometimes).

Molly - I often feel that I am emotionally incontinent too! And I have a terrible tendency to over analyse everything as well.

[Flowertop]

I love 'emotionally incontinent' expression as sums it up perfectly!
Probably everyone has a degree of this emotion but whether it is a problem depends on how strong you have it.
XX

[sadperson123]

I am exaclty the same as you - if anything I am over sensitive and worry about things all of the time. In fact if I don't have something to worry about I can make it up in my head.

I over analyse things all of the time like "Why did X say/do that, is it because X,Y and Z" I can get myself into a total frenzy about nothing.

I think it is how we are born and it's in our gene's.

How to stop it - I have no idea, what it does make us is very caring people (according to my counsellor) and someone that people will turn to for advice and to feel safe (If that makes any sense).

I can get down very easily, and really worry that my DS will be the same, as he is a very sensitive little boy.

No I haven't been any help, but at least your not on your own.

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

Thanks for your replies

feel sad again tonight don't even understand why ~ it's like I need something I haven't got and though I know my happiness has to come from within,sometimes I meet someone I feel happy with but I can't be as close to them as I would like

does that make any sense

[Casmama]

I wonder do these feelings just relate to friendships? The reason I ask is that this reminds me of a friend of mine and it turned out that she was suffering from depression which was treated and she now feels far more self assured and confident - from what I can tell. If I have got this wrong or it is not relevant to you then I apologise, I'm certainly not trying to imply that being sensitive is a sign of depression just that the overanalysing and constant stress sound familiar.

[OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper]

Sometimes over-analyzing and stress are symptomatic of anxiety, even phobia.

You don't say you're shy, but social phobia or social anxiety can be the cause of this constant self-monitoring and 'why did they do/say that? constant questioning.

There are some good books on this subject, and I'm sure other MNers will have better advice.

I just think a 'noisy' brain is often a sign of depression, as someone has already said, and being over-sensitive to other people may point to depression in the form of social anxiety, even phobia.

Hope this makes sense and doesn't alarm you - sometimes just knowing what your 'problem' boils down to is enough to calm things down.

Could be totally barking up the wrong tree, of course.

[whydoifeelthingssostrongly]

well i think most of the time I am happy but when I open up and feel more vulnerable is perhaps when these feelings surface more strongly.

Throughout my life I have felt strongly about things whether crying over animals in the zoo as a child or books and films to basically trying to put the world to rights with volunteering and my job ~ it's part of who I am but I'm not sure if that could mean I have some basic stablity lacking or am just very empathetic towards others.

[potatofactory]

I over-analyse some friendships and et very upset if I feel that they are not right for some reason. I like the 'reason, season, lifetime' thing. That does make sense. I have two lifetimes only, though, and one of those has gone pear-shaped recently! Arghhhh! That doesn't make me feel too hot...