I think my heart is breaking

[skinsl]

DH is close to a breakdown. He is a very complex character and to explain the reasons would take all day. Suffice to say we are trying very hard to make things better, quality time together, time alone for him etc. However the rows are awful, he says some very hurtful things and I know there is a time limit on how long I can put up with it. He knows this. He knows he is close to losing his family. My sister was supposed to babysit on Saturday, while we had our "quality time" ( going out for lunch) but she let us down. This is the first time she has let us down. She is suffering from depression and has major issues herself. This is a recent problem and we have all been trying to help her.
Saturday then went from bad to worse, with DH blaming everything that went wrong on sister. He was very nasty about her.
Culminated saying he doesn't want her looking after DS if she can't sort herself out. Says he is worried about anti-depressants and alcohol. I thought he would calm down and back down from this but no.
I have just had a big chat with sis and she is brokenhearted. I think it will help her to have DS to look after. They adore each other.

I want to help DH, he is in a bad way, but he is abusing me, my sister and anyone else in my family that gets in his way.He recently had a row with my brother which really upset my family. We are a very close family, good caring people. It breaks my heart to hear him talk about my family in this derogatory way.
There is so much more to this, but I have tried to be consise.
We have counselling appt this evening, which I am dreading as I know the family situation is gonna come up.
I know there are tons of threads about families falling out but we have never had anything like this in our family.
Don't even know what my question is!! think I just need some outside views

[tiredoftherain]

Oh you poor thing. Didn't want you to go unanwswered. I think you are doing exactly the right thing going to counselling, and don't dread anything coming up, it sounds as though it needs to be talked about, and an outsider's perspective may well calm down your DH.

It sounds as though your DH definitely needs help, but it is absolutely not on for him to abuse those around him in the meantime. Help him all you can, but make sure you also protect yourself and your dc's - if this means you need to be apart for a while, that might be what needs to happen.

[HappyWoman]

yes he may well need help - but he needs to do it for himself. Set your own boundaries and make it clear to him. You cannot change him only he can do that.

Good luck

[maristella]

how did your counselling session go?

[skinsl]

counsellor is very good, she knew I was low. She figured out that there is much more to the family situation, told him that he has to work on it for me. And she asked did I want to see her by myself. I think she knows there is a lot more to the situation than what comes out in joint sessions. I couldn't really keep the tears back so that was a bit embarrassing, but hey, what the hell!
Going to see her by myself on Thursday, which I think will help. Cos don't really have anyone who knows the whole story.
thanks for asking and thanks for your replies. i think we are coming to a crisis point. Great, it's my birthday this week!!
still feel very emotional. Spoke to mum and she is gonna come down a bit earlier this week to help sis.And hopefully we are going to do something tomorrow

[skinsl]

still crying

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'm not surprised you're crying a lot. You must be emotionally exhausted. Hope your solo counselling is helpful.

[tartyhighheels]

Depressed people can often be very abusive and wholly unreasonable. I would say grab all the help you can with both hands because you are the most important adult in this scenario. When this crisis passes I am sure your family will be able to move on from the slights of your partner so do not run yourself ragged to protect everyone else. Your child relies on you so keeping yourself well both physically and emotionally should be your priority and protecting yourself from abuse is vital. Have you considered contacting a mental health charity? They quite often offer outreach services for partners and family of people with problems and perhaps you need some support and strategy to deal with the emotional blows you are being dealt.

Allowing someone to abuse you is not part of loving someone or being loved.

Perhaps you need to make some space between you and your husband to protect yourself and your child because believe me, taking a lot of shit off anyone, for whatever reason is demoralising and will drag you down too. Sometimes self preservation must kick in. It is not your job to protect everyone from everything.... your job is to take care of yourself and take care of your child. Please do get some help outside of your family - you sound like such a good loving person but this is not the same as a doormat. Keep posting here because I am sure there are others in your situation who can help you or indeed be helped by you. My absolute kindest wishes to you at this difficult time.

[skinsl]

tartyhighheels thank you, you talk a lot of sense.
He is depressed but taking action is easier said than done. Think he might be about to quit his job! which will bring another load of worries.
Looking forward to solo counselling session tomorrow. Never thought I would hear myself say that!