My friend is in a mess..

[JammyK]

Hi all. One of my closest friend is not in a very good situation and I'm not sure I've done the right thing to help her. Its a bit of a sensitive subject.

Basically, until October she was quite happy in her relationship. She has 2 young daughters with her (now ex) partner and he has 2 other children from a previous relationship. Anyway, she got a phonecall in October from the Police telling her that her boyfriend had been arrested. His 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship had put in a complaint about him sexually abusing her. He's going to trial in the middle of May about that. Obviously she kicked him out and its been really distressing for all involved. Then a few weeks after that she found out she was pregnant with his baby, their 3rd child together!! Since then he's been slowly worming his way back in with her. Social services said that he could have supervised access to her 2 daughters (who are 4 and 2) and she's taken this to mean that he can see them as much as she allows him to as long as she's there. They've been getting closer and closer and I was horrified to find out that he not only took her and the girls to a SAntas grotto in December but he also attended their pre-school nativity play. I think it's wrong considering he is on the sex offenders register and is awaiting trial for such an offence. What do you all think? I've been trying to support my friend as best I could but I couldn't take it anymore and I told her exactly what I thought about him and that I think it's wrong he's spending so much time around her girls. She hasn't spoken to me since. I think I went a bit over the top. I've been worried about going to her house with my children in case he's there. Luckily he never has been when I've visited. I don't want him around my children or anyone elses. I've been tempted to tell the pre-school where her children attend cos I don't think it's right. But that wouldn't make me a very good friend would it? I guess I'm just wanting to know other opinions on this subject and suggestions of what to do??? Thanks all.

[maristella]

social services will have had all the info about the allegations against him, and will have made the decision for supervised only access based on that. they probably know know more about the case than your friend does. if you are concerned about the access he has to them and to other children you need to let SS know. there may well be bail conditions that he cannot be alone with any child, so do tell them

[ConnieComplaint]

Is he on the sex offenders register?

I thought that would only be done as a result of the trial?

If he is on there then he shouldn't have been anywhere near a Santas grotto or the nativity play!!

I would advise you to find this out for sure before saying anything to SS.

I don't know who you would contact for this information.

[maristella]

ss will have this information

[hobbgoblin]

I think, quite important;y you need to get your facts straight.

[ConnieComplaint]

Yes, but will SS hand it over.

No, they won't.... unless they're very unprofessional.

If he's on the SOR, he would be being closely monitored, I should think.

[EcoMouse]

Speak to SS. Supervised contact means supervised. i.e. Your friend should not even go to the toilet leaving him alone with the children.

If you suspect she is placing them at risk, speak to SS. They will only act to protect her children if she is failing to do so.

[JammyK]

ok thanks for all your help. He's admitted some things but is denying others so it is going to trial in May. I wasn't sure if he'd be on the register as he has admitted to sexual abuse or if he won't be on the register until he's actually convicted. I will speak to ss. Thanks again.

[EcoMouse]

Good luck jammy. Not an easy situation to be in but in doing right by the children, you are doing the right thing IMO

[maristella]

yes you are: it's their job to carry out the investigative work alongside the police. this guy has already admitted to sexually abusing his own child.
don't ever underestimate how manipulative he could be, and it works in his favour as an abuser to deceive your friend.