I have a self obsessed, controlling, world hating friend who doesn't listen to anything he's told because he knows best and I'm starting to loose patience.

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

I am one of the world's most patient of people, I've not known this poor soul for very long, since August.

He's in his late 20s, in and out of relationships, looking for the girl next door who he can devote his life to at the cost of all friendships (which he claims he doesn't need because people always let him down and are selfish ). He's always "I want/need someone to talk to/ no one ever does anything for me/I just want someone to care about me/me..me..me..me", see's the world as him vs everyone else, gives no regard to the things that I and other people, do for him (take him warm drinks at work when it's cold, talk to him when he's down, offer to cook him tea, take him food, take him for pizza etc) and claims that no one does anything for him . Is incredibly fixated in meeting 'the right person', thinks his life will be perfect when he meets her. I've spent time telling him there's more to life then this and he should relax, if it will happen and he needs to deal with his past first etc (I'm trying to be supportive), he did meet someone on an internet dating site, he liked her and it was (for him apparantly) love before he met her. She doesn't want to know and he's pining for her, he claims she's helped him face up to things from his past that have hurt him (wasn't her by the way, it was me. I did point this out to him but apparantly I didn't say this in the right way for him ), his women history is far from good, he claims several stalkers/wierd women, the ones he likes don't like him back. When he's down the whole world is crap, all the people in it are crap, just wants to find a woman and shut himself off with her because she's all he needs.
He looses alot of friends, he doesn't see that he's hard work, if I tell him something he doesn't want to hear (I'm an optomist, I see the good in people, they are not as bad as he makes out), he gets really upset, angry and refuses to talk, I find him draining but I am reluctant to be one of those people who wash their hands off him. Even our friendship had to be on his terms, he'll accept nothing but openness, because "he's doing this", I've got to a point where I avoid him and don't mention things in my life because I want the choice who I am open with. He doesn't listen to his staff, I know them fairly well and they are on the verge of leaving because they are not being listened to, he knows best and doesn't care what other people think.

How do you deal with someone like this?

[wukter]

Honestly? I would tell him all this as a parting gift, and leave him to it.
Friendship should be two way - you are getting nothing here and it's not like oyu go back a long way and owe him 'loyalty'.

[MarineIguana]

I think you have to distance yourself and just try to be an acquaintance rather than a friend really. I can't be doing with people like this - you give them a bit, they take a lot and they will suck you dry. It's sad for them, but you can't keep propping them up because it will never be enough and you'll get exhausted.

I've also noticed with people like this that they get very over-involved very fast. They home in on people who might give them what they need and suddenly you're in this situation. If you think about it, real friendships that you value usually take longer to establish because the person has their own life and isn't latching onto you from the start.

[JeremyVile]

By avoiding them.

I realise you dont want to cut him off - but what is the point in continuing a relationship that is not enjoyable?

He's not your responsibility, his life will improve when he adjusts his attitude.

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

He's (hopefully) moving away in a month or so, I was planning on not being in contact when he goes.

I'm not surprised he has so many problems, I had hoped to have helped him but I really can't be arsed now. You are right wukter

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

Thankyou all. I've never met anyone like this before, I didn't know if it was how I handled him, he's just draining now. I have been avoiding him, I feel bad though as he's had alot of people abandon him, he's never explained why, probably because he's oblivious to his behaviour. There's no two way friendship here at all. I refuse to let him know all about me or to be my 'close friend' as I've only known him since August. It takes time for me to do this.

Ahh, I want to run off!!

[BlackLetterDay]

My sister is a bit like this . Obviously it's harder to do the cut and run when it's a relative. But she is very self obsessed with a huge slab of entitlement to go with it. I don't know why but it seems to be getting worse, we used to get on well and have lots to talk about but since she left work it's gotten much worse. If you don't have any emotional attachment just let him go, it's not worth it at all.

[Ronaldinhio]

lose and loose

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

Oh god, poor you. I've only had a few months of this.

[BertieBotts]

It's sad (and frustrating when you can see obvious self destructive behaviour!) - but really it's better to stay away. You are not helping them by sticking around IYSWIM. Losing touch when he moves away seems like a good plan.

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

He's a nob isn't he. I tried hey, I do feel sorry for the next friend though.

Thankyou

[BertieBotts]

If you do want to help without getting involved, you could always suggest he goes for some kind of counselling or therapy. If he is anything like the people I have come across, he will brush off the suggestion or be offended by it, but on some level he might take it in and choose to explore that option some time in the future.

Interesting reading?

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

I've tried this already Bertie. He has problems that I can't help him with, he seems to think that meeting 'the right person' will fix them all. He was quite offended when I suggested going to see his GP or seeing a counsellor.

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

Thankyou Bertie. Sounds familiar.

[BertieBotts]

I might be completely wrong here but I would be willing to bet that his "problems" are 90% of his own doing (the way he treats people?) and 10% stemming from his childhood. Unfortunately it's near impossible to help someone like that. Nice to know that there are lovely people in the world who will try Just be careful, protect yourself first. (I don't envy his future "right person"!!)

[taxiservice]

If anyone finds the diagnostic term for this kind of man please tell me because I know one just like that.

Not depressed, not manic, not paranoid, a bit of each but not enough to warrant a diagnosis. Perhaps it's a new disorder brought about by excessive amounts of ego and a severe lack of maturity.

[BertieBotts]

Taxi - take a look at my link above. That is a very good description of NPD.

This link very interesting as well (Especially the point about lack of maturity)

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

No, I don't envy her either, it's because I know she doesn't exist. Someone would have to have real problems themselves to put up with him. He's really willing to accept food etc from people, sometimes he takes (as in helps himself) sweets from children in the shop he runs, I'd never do this. I can only judge on what he has told me about how he is treated. He takes everything personally and takes offence way too easily which isn't helpful, he see's everyone as out to take the piss out of him and doesn't accept that sometimes people have a bad day and get snappy/can be a little rude or whatever and it is not aimed at him.

I can't wait for him to leave, I've been very encouraging.

[BertieBotts]

Sorry I meant This article "Now we are six" (though other website illuminating as well)

• sorry to bang on about NPD - It's just I had a complete lightbulb moment when I read the description and it fitted my (then) partner perfectly - as in, not a case of google hypochondria, but he was a man whose behaviour you could not describe to someone who didn't know him, because it didn't make sense, and which you constantly questioned your memory of because again, it didn't fit together. When I read the descriptions of NPD it was like someone was describing him to me exactly, all the little traits I could not put into words were there on the screen. And now I have recognised it in him, I see that nearly every man my mum has had a relationship/close friendship with has it as well, and I can spot it a mile off.

[BertieBotts]

I know But sadly I think if he found someone kind-hearted and vulnerable enough they would become that "perfect person" - it happened to me with my ex and I never thought I would end up in an abusive relationship, he just caught me at a vulnerable time.

However have moved on and count myself lucky I was only in the relationship for less than 3 years, and there is no way I would ever let anyone treat me like that again so good has come of it

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

I know what to look out for now

Even his FB updates are needy, "I need a cuddle" (he's 28 by the way), "I'm tired" "Why am I so tired?" "I'm at work" "I work too much" It's like he wants constant sympathy. ARGH!!!!

[BertieBotts]

Haha yes constant sympathy - my ex used to text me several times a day.

"Hey baby just thinking about you what you up to missing you love you forever and ever xxxx"

"Hey hun hope your day is going ok we can cuddle up tonight and watch a film I love you forever do you love me forever and ever too xxxxx"

"Why are you not replying are we ok I hope we can have a cuddle tonight missing you loads love you loads xxxxxxx"

"Please reply to my messages are we ok baby love you forever always in my heart xxxxxxx text back"

All of these repeated every 5 minutes if I did not reply straight away. I actually got told that I was texting too much when I was at work and he was really annoyed and thought they were being Very Unreasonable.

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

have a look at this thread

ah, the fucking kisses!! He also does so many!! Why?? It drives me nuts. Whenever I don't want to talk to him he's paranoid. "Is it me?" The whole world doesn't revolve around him FFS! I don't do sympathy, I ended up telling him to stop being so silly, then told him about my year (diagnosed with MS, nearly thrown off my course, mum fractured her femur, ds's grandad had a severe stroke and can't talk or walk now, ds's gran was diagnosed with bowel cancer etc), his response was "yes, your year has been bad" He shut up moaning for all of 5 minutes!!

[FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas]

He runs a games shop, the ones with the little models in them Ds likes to go in there, he took over in the summer holiday. It's like ds's second home, there's a few weird (one teenager that likes to hug children ) people in there so I stay around to make sure ds is OK.

I do occasionally take him a drink and something to eat in, he's normally running the shop by himself and doesn't have a lunch break. I have not done this for a few weeks though, he's really ungrateful.

He does take sweets from children, teenagers go in there aswell and he's begging for their food!!

[taxiservice]

Thanks BB that's interesting reading indeed. I had never heard of this, probably because said narcissist doesn't tell me what his doctor diagnosed him with - well it wouldn't make him look good, would it?

I have another friend like that too. But it seems both these people lack the 'haughty attitudes' and belief they are superior that are in the studies you have linked to. Most of their problems lie in their needing to be appreciated and loved - constantly.